The Internet's worst ad

Advertising is fascinating. By using basic psychological techniques, a good ad gets a consumer to feel that his or her life is incomplete until the advertised product has been bought and used.

The Internet is fascinating. By using a global network of computers, it allows the spread of information on an unprecedented scale and in a remarkably democratic manner.

What follows is an ad found somewhere on the Internet. Don't ask. Just "somewhere," please.

There are a number of problems with this ad.

1. The man's name is James Banks. His wife's name is Ilona Banks. She calls him James Parkson.

2. The copy reads "I am James Parksons wife." That should actually be "I am James Parkson's wife," with an apostrophe (denoting a possessive relationship) following "Parkson." Which should, incidentally, be spelled "B-a-n-k-s."

3. The "before and after" ruler reads "It's just not cool to smoke." Points for the apostrophe, but what — really, what — can this possibly have to do with anything?

4. There is no evidence WHATSOEVER that the wang in the "Before" picture is owned by the same person who owns the wang in the "After" picture. None. The floor's even different in both shots, for Christ's sake. You idiots!

5. Or, for that matter, that the featured members aren't just plastic or something. A low-res black-and-white photo just doesn't cut it.

6. Seriously, why does the ruler have an ineffective anti-smoking slogan written on it? Anybody? Anybody?

7. This sentence: "When James told me he wanted a bigger penis, would never work." What does this mean? The whole beauty of transcribing a testimonial — or better yet, just writing one yourself — is that you can take the time to copyedit the resulting text.

That means reading it over before it goes to print. Out loud. At least once. Like this:

"Okay, let's go over the next line. 'When James told me he wanted a bigger penis would never work.'"

"There's something not right about that, Lem."

"I know! Why don't we throw in a comma after 'penis?'"

"Okay, read it again."

"'When James told me he wanted a bigger penis, would never work.'"

"Yes! Perfect. That has a nice cadence to it. People are going to respond to this. The key is making sure there's a poetic rhythm to the copy, without being too overt about it."

8. There are two periods at the end of the last sentence in the first testimonial. That may seem picky, but remember: these people want to adjust your wiener.

9. Also, "afer" is traditionally spelled "after."

10. And does the program take 8 weeks, or 3? James Banks — if that is his real name — quotes "two months." The text between the maybe-penises says "3 weeks." That's a big discrepancy, PenisEnlargement.com.

11. It's worrisome that at no point do they actually mention HOW the website will enlarge your unit. Will it be springs? Pills? Psychology? A device that utilizes centripetal force? Pep talks? We're talking about 2.5 inches of dick, ladies and gentlemen. That can't come from nowhere.

Conclusion: This is not a very effective ad. Here's why:

Any man planning to enlarge his genitalia by a factor of more than 25 percent needs to be careful. The last thing you want is for something to bust, or get all kinked up.

The missus don't care for that. No, sir.

So, when any thoughtful male entrusts his genital region to the tender care of another human being, he wants certain signs of respectability: medical degrees. Clear, understandable theories about what will happen to said genitalia. Clean, edited ad copy.

This ad is botched on all counts. Go back to marketing school, PenisEnlargement.com. You have failed.

— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)