Flakalikes
It only takes a slip of the finger, a spotty memory hampered even more by an extra beer the night before or handwriting that couldn't pass a 3rd grade cursive test to turn "www.flakmag.com" into something as erroneous as "www.flagmag.com" or "www.flack.com" or even, gasp!, "www.kalf.com".
We, the editors at Flak Magazine (flakmag.com), are perhaps even more heightened to the subtleties of a web address and the horrible errors that can occur when one is mistyped, ill-remembered or illegible. What happens in the rare instance in which a loyal reader, a first-time surfer or someone simply randomly inserting words between the "www" and the ".com" comes across one of these bizarro Flakmags? What evil lurks in the heart of the sordid underbelly of Flak-alikes? What follows is a sampling of the result:
www.FLAG.com
There are certainly times when it is appropriate to know how far the American flag is permitted to hang above all other flags. Or whether the American flag may assume a position of grandeur over Mickey Mouse in a parade. When your final destination is actually the off-beat, witty, intellectual commentary of Flakmag, however, it is highly inappropriate to be reading about the ordering of various sizes of flags and flag paraphernalia. This is what happens when, instead of typing "www.flakmag.com" into the Netscape box, you get utterly confused and type "www.flag.com."
Aradyne Flags is a website for the patriotic. It sells flags of all kinds: standard American flags, flags of exotic countries such as Zimbabwe and Liechtenstein, state flags (specializing in Texas flags) and even flags of the customer's own design (a bright orange flag from "The Province of Sara" would be my selection).
The real choice bits of the Aradyne Flag website, however, is the rhetoric. Just as a site selling tools should warn the consumer not to drill without proper protective eyewear, a flag site should outline the proper usage and the improper abuse of the flag. Aradyne Flags heads straight to the source, Public Law #94-344, for a concise and helpful description of all the things you can and cannot do with the American Flag. Who knew, for example, that when a flag is flown at half mast, it must first be raised to full mast, then lowered halfway? And that the white in the flag stands for "purity and innocence," while the red stands for "hardiness and valor?" Those of us weaned on Evel Knievel helmets and Harlem Globetrotter short-shorts will be much enlightened.
www.flag.com may be a far cry from our mission here at Flakmag, but it's not a bad place to kill a couple of minutes, either.
www.FLAGMAG.com
Stop me when this no longer sounds familiar: Strapping men. Bone-crunching football. Paralyzing injuries. Argumentative, trash-talking fans. Brought to you by the NFL. With sponsorship from Nike. Nationally televised bowl games. The biggest match-up of 1998. The Los Angeles Glory Days demolishing the San Diego Swarm. Flags.
Is this another wacky miscellaneous article in Flakmag? I don't think so. This is the result of a heinous mix-up between the "k" and the "g" on your keyboard. This is not Flak. This is Flag football.
That's right: Flag football has broken out of its gym class trappings, and a few minutes at
Flagmag.com will tell you everything but why. The online presence of Flag & Touch Football
Magazine, Flagmag.com is the interactive flag football resource and a labor of love for Jim
Zimolka (whose name appears on practically every page of the site). You gotcher leagues, you
gotcher tourneys, you gotcher international rankings, you gotcher ferocious message board ("quiet
before the storm???? WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES!!!" warned King Cobra last week), you
gotcher fair-to-middling graphic design, you gotcher rampant typos...Flagmag.com has everything
you need if you know flag football is your thing.
If you don't know that, however, there's little here to convince you. There's nary a mission
statement or expression of purpose to be found, and I couldn't find anyone on the message board
praising flag football at the expense of the vagaries of tackle football, or talking about the
transformative effect flag football had on their lives. Sure, you won't find that at the NFL site either,
but the relative obscurity of the flag football movement would recommend some allowance for the
casual surfer who just happened upon this URL.
The Glory Days, the Swarm and their ilk are still a long way off from anything resembling popular
recognition. While, according to the site, the NFL and Nike collaborate on the annual Let it Fly
playoffs and Jose Cuervo has sponsored the (apparently televised) Margarita Bowl for six years, I
couldn't find reference to flag football on any of those corporations' sites. Without any inroads
from the big boys, the flag football phenomenon and its uncertain appeal (is it big among those with
osteoporosis?) will remain a secret than we can only know if those on the inside choose to tell us.
www.FLACK.com
It is not inconceivable to mistake "flack" for "flak." Webster's on-line dictionary defines the latter as originating from the German "FliegerAbwehrKanonen" (flyer+defense+cannons) meaning: 1) antiaircraft guns, 2) the bursting shells fired from flak and 3) criticism and opposition. The former is defined as: 1) one who provides publicity; especially a press agent and 2) a variant of flak. How nicely circular. With those definitions in mind…
On his personal site, Flack, Kurt Williams downplays his early online days whipping up for-sale term papers and is similarly low-key about working for the websites of National Geographic and USA Today -- not small-potatoes stuff given the low percentage of sites with any kind of name recognition at all. But rather than meaningless self-aggrandizing, Williams instead peddles his opinions about the development of media, new and old, with the earned cynicism of an insider.
At first blush, there's not much there; a music- and science-history-heavy quiz, a guestbook, an
unfinished essay and some annotated code. The kicker is that, except for the essay, the site's elements are heavily interrelated: The code is for the quiz and guestbook (both classy and very clean), as well as for
a keen survey applet and info-harvesting piece of PERL goodness. Moreover, the annotation is
less techie gronk than commentary with historical and biographical overview. It falls short of a full
manifesto (sadly, that's the unfinished essay), but remains provocative.
It would be nice to get a little deeper into more fully-formed opinions of Williams, who makes a lot of barbed statements: He singles out Art Alexikas, Shirley Manson, President Clinton and Tiger Woods as the candidates for "media mastermind of '97" (for another test of that survey code), and those four are pretty unique choices for final contestants in that race.
Williams does allow himself one long tear - the manifesto from the "classic" version of his site,
which focuses on how to self-publicize online. It's a good read that's no less applicable for being a
few years old. He's swift in his deconstructions of media myths and fiercely witty ("Censorship is
always wrong - unless it means banning words like 'content' and 'interactive'"), all the while
doling out solid design advice and observations on sites and developments you probably missed.
Unless you're given to ogling PERL, it's the best thing on the site.
Aesthetically, both incarnations of Flack are clean, color-coordinated beauts, with only a few mars
from ungainly text layout or broken links. While it appears to have fallen into disrepair the past few
months, it remains an engaging read that's particularly worthwhile to neophytes who need a
heads-up on where the Net's been and where it's going.
www.FADMAG.com
It's only two keystrokes away from flakmag. Yet, somehow, those two keystrokes make a world of difference, pushing fadmag (a.k.a Fallen Angels Digest) into another realm.
What is it about fadmag.com that sets it apart? Is it the melancholy (yet chesty) dark angel on its cover? Is it that its articles are about famed creep-lord Aliester Crowley and "hand twisted terrors" instead of John Smith and "movies"?
More contrasts can be made. Here is the fantasy of one of the patients of a fadmag contributor: "Initial fantasy involved super intelligent succubus who feeds off energy rather than blood. She seduces him and forces him to enter her into the Net so that she can feed off the intelligence without repercussion. He, as a result, is enslaved to her for fear of being put to death."
Here is a typical Flakmag reader's fantasy: Initial fantasy involved an affordable, nearby Chinese restaurant that served Dim Sum 7 days a week from 10am until 10pm, instead of the normal 10am to 1pm weekend hours. The waitress is extremely attentive, and ensures that only hot appetizers of the highest quality are brought to the table.
And a situation that this Flakmag reader entered into with the fadmag correspondent: "Situation: After the final panel at the SCI/FI Con. we met at my room to discuss fantasy, limitations, etc. After two hours of conversation he was placed in a current receiving c. ring with twine bondage underneath his
clothing. Went to Cyber party at Park where computer technology, techno wastelands and virtual lifestyles were the main thrust of interest. Stayed for approx. 2 hours before returning to the room.
After an hour turned into basic sex toy once genders were reversed. Anal insertion used to dilate area to be electrified.
Go to electric pulse: Clear dildo with charge remote for pulse, frequency; charge and shock."
A similar encounter that I, personally, had with a flakmag reader: After the final round of pool at the student union, we met at the coffee shop. Literature and politics were the main thrust of interest. After two hours of conversation, he was placed in my living room with a couple of imported beers. We watched Full Metal Jacket before returning to our respective domiciles.
It takes all types. But it begs the question: Are Flak readers sickos? Is what we're doing perverse? Perhaps, yes, but thank God we live in a society free enough to let us be as wild as we want to be.
www.FLAKE.com
The silent E causes foreign students of English more than a few problems. Thus, it's entirely possible some well-intentioned (and hip) foreigner could hear about flakmag from a friend, accidentally drop the "mag" part of the name and add an e. It's happened!
And though you might chuckle at our potential similarities with flake.com (This review was two days late, for example), further analysis reveals that flake.com is actually about CEREAL, not this reviewer.
Though they're not attacking us outright, the folks at flake.com are apparently trying to out-hip us by going retro, with pages and pages dedicated to all forms of cereal, past and present. Though the focus is ostensibly on all cereal, the site's key selling points are its cereal walls, which are meant to take aging hipsters for a trip down memory lane. With cereal names like "Jets," "Clackers" and "Cornfetti," the casual observer might wonder if flake.com is a cover for some sort of international pill ring.
And how can you make a website devoted to cereal without mentioning "C-3PO's?"
Oh, and they sell books, too…with names like, "Cereal Boxes and Prizes: 1960s: A Tribute and Price Guide."
Price guide? Does that come with cereal or without? Do people still sit down in the morning and eat a bowl of aged "Clackers?" More importantly, is it good for them? What's the half-life on cereal? Is flake.com free of liability? Will lawsuits (probably already underway) spill over to include the innocent flakmag.com?
We unaging hipsters at Flak have a problem with this. Why focus on the past when there are so many exciting things happening in the present? We resent this pathetic challenge to our hipness and will take on the cereal enthusiasts armed to the hilt with every spoon we have in our arsenal!
Clearly we need to protect our interests, and we, the editors at Flakmag.com, call upon you, the readers to do everything in your power to stop these hooligans from destroying our good name.
Flak is fortified with 12 essential vitamins and minerals. Flak stays crunchy, even in milk. And it's high in fiber. Flak is kid tested, mother approved! Why settle for flake.com's sugary goodness when you can have a tasty, USDA-recommended bowl of Flak?
www.KALF.com
A hypothetical situation: After writing down "flak" on a cocktail napkin, you drunkenly look at it in a mirror. The hypothetical result: You're accidentally guided to "www.kalf.com," an even greater guffaw on the road to loading up Flakmag. KALF is popularly known around Chico, California as the Moo Crew in the Morning and Today's Best Country All Day Long! Wake Up to the Moo Crew! Just say Moo! Ad nauseum!!
It would obviously be a rather unfortunate accident to drop unknowingly onto KALF's website instead of Flakmag, but these are possibilities that we must explore, however painful they may be. KALF, along with providing plenty of moo-ronic cow puns, presents a concise listing of activities in Chico. Buck's Crazy Horse Saloon has $3 pitchers from 7-9, at the Slice of Chico Sidewalk Sale complimentary watermelon is provided, and at the next Chico Heat home game, it's Rally Towel Night!
The gauntlet has been thrown: KALF has challenged Flakmag to take it up a notch: Yes, Flak Rally Towels are not far behind, and, please, have a slice of watermelon on us!
There can be no mistaking the real Flakmag from these callous wannabes. From now on, Flakmag will accept all competitor's coupons and beat all comers: we will offer flags, flag football paraphernalia, flack-ish manifestos, fads galore, corn/rice/chocolate/other flakes and country music up the wazoo. We will also be found at www.FliegerAbwehrKanonen.com. There will be no need for typos — Flakmag will be your one-stop super store!!
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