Super Bowl XXXVI Ads: Fourth Quarter

Blade II

Wesley Snipes spreads his coat a la Batman and, aided by computer graphic effects, drops some wannabe Matrix moves to impress an army of cliched goth vamps. Dramatically he cries, "You do not. Know. Who you're. Messing with!" Not only do we know who we're messing with; we've just seen the entire film for free. — Alethea Allarey

M&M's — "Hotel"

In this ad, previously aired only in movie theaters, a man checking into a hotel selects services offered him by a snooty Euro-trash concierge. The complimentary chocolate on his pillow turns out to be "Red," the M&M's spokescandy. Though audiences titter when he asks the man, "Mind if I watch TV?" wouldn't it have been even funnier if they had a mint M&M instead of milk? — Alethea Allarey

Philip Morris — "Reaction"

Short clips of teens rolling their eyes, sighing, hiding under the bed, with a explanatory voiceover a la "Wild Kingdom." What's going on here? Only at the end do we learn — these kids are all getting the dreaded "talk," which in these days is about smoking and drugs, not birds and bees. But at the very end we see one such kid casually refusing a cigarette. The lesson? More for parents than kids, this ad tells us that somehow those looks of frustration, boredom and otherwise spaciness on the faces of our nation's children actually mean that they're carefully absorbing each and every cautionary morsel. That's it! Forget trying to reach kids on their level — monotonous, stupor-inducing lectures are the way to go. Is it any wonder that this Swiss-cheese logic is presented by Philip Morris? — Clay Risen

Budweiser — "This Bud's for You"

When I was in the student paper biz, we occasionally had more space than content, and we'd fill that space with in-house advertisements — come work for us, we're the best, etc. Similarly, Budweiser appears to have purchased more spots than they had ideas by one, and so they have this filler ad about it being their 125th anniversary and they're so happy to be providing us with the same "premium lager" they've been supplying for years. As it so happens, hearing Budweiser talk about their history reminds me of a story, but even taken on its own merits, this ad is the example that proves the Super Bowl rule that the more you extol your product, the less effective the ad is. Of all Bud's ads in this game, this is easily the one that screams "bathroom break" most loudly. — Sean Weitner

Quizno's — "Guillotine"

One of those ads you really can't come into in mid-sequence. If you do, all you see is a tall guy in a lab coat holding a plastic hand under a guillotine, which then cuts the hand in half. Hoagies are involved, somehow. As is a smaller, more devious-looking man to his right, apparently egging him on. Do it! Show that dummy hand who's boss! And for God's sake, don't let it near the sandwich! Apparently the message is — our subs are so good we have to use outdated execution devices to keep the masses at bay. But then, this could be all wrong. — Clay Risen

Roche — "Anti-flu"

What is a straight-up, ask-your-doctor, anti-flu commercial doing in the midst of all these hyper-patriotic non-essential entertainment spots? Sure, it's winter and a lot of people probably have the flu. But it's the fourth quarter of the big game and most of the audience is probably drunk by now. A PSA on not mixing drugs with alcohol would send a timelier message than a deep, doctorly voice assuring that "No one needs to suffer from the flu"; but obviously that would be a conflict of interest for the makers of Rohypnol. — Alethea Allarey

Volkswagen — "Rocket Science"

A beautifully rendered clip of 3-D schematics explaining how turbocharging works is cut into by a couple at the wedding, supposedly incapable of comprehending the technical information that preceded it. The man blubbers a few syllables before the woman explains to him how the design will improve gas mileage.

This ad would, of course, come from Volkswagen, whose Beetle relaunch co-sparked the cuddletech revolution with Apple. What's the point, exactly? Is the VW target demo dumb? Or does the woman prove that you don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand how great VW technology is? Whatever. There are funnier, more effective ways to subvert a technical message than this. — Sean Weitner

"Greg the Bunny"

Has Fox succeeded with an edgy comedy since "The Simpsons"? "Action"? No. "The Tick"? No. All those other shows I can't think of because they led brief, futile, unmemorable existences? No. So here's Seth Green and Eugene Levy with a cadre of living puppets that, for some unfortunate reasons, make me think of Meet the Feebles. The only conclusion to reach, then, is that the show won't live to see the next Super Bowl. — Sean Weitner

Bad Company

Longer theatrical trailers outperform this ad in conveying that this movie is supposed to be funny. As to whether it actually will be funny, well, it's directed by Joel Schumacher, but it's produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. My guess, judging from these clips, is that Bruckheimer has force-fit Schumacher into Tony Scott's Enemy of the State style. So if that means that Bruckheimer has smothered every unique, interesting, personality-driven quirk that makes Schumacher's film so brain-scaldingly unwatchable, then I suppose Bruckheimer deserves some thanks. But if the movie is anything more than prettily-photographed actors hamming and yukking it up betwixt gunfire and explosions, you have the right to be surprised. — Sean Weitner

ONDCP — "I Helped"

As if drug abusers don't have enough to worry about, now the White House is telling them they helped knock down the World Trade Center. In this spot, various children and adults of various genders and ethnicities tell you that if you buy drugs, you help Colombian terrorists kidnap dads, or help train kids how to kill, or help bombers buy fake passports. The ad plays on the tragedy of Sept. 11 by making you feel guilty about toking on the pipe now and then, or piercing a vein with a heroin-laced syringe once in a while. It might come as a surprise to some people that many terrorists raise money from selling drugs (Afghanistan is one of the world's leading producers of opium, from which heroin is derived). But is information about the inner-workings of the drug economy going to stop anyone from smoking pot or shooting up? Probably not. Instead the government should make it more personal, just like those cigarette ads. After all, drug addicts, like cigarette smokers, are concerned about their health, not some skinny Afghan growing opium on a hillside. — Ben Welch

GMC — Cadillac CTS

Cadillac desperately tries to show off its alleged new hipness — to the tune of Led Zeppelin's 1972 chestnut "Rock and Roll." "Been a long time since I rock and roll-oo-oo!" Yeah, that's why you're in the age bracket to buy a Caddy now, except you're probably looking at a Lexus. Apparently the Escalade is getting props, as the hip-hoppers like to say, from rappers and pro athletes — why didn't they use Jay-Z's "H.O.V.A." and stick Chunky Soup-eating Donovan McNabb in one? Oh well, Matt Damon lookalike Tom Brady seemed thrilled to get a Caddy for being Super Bowl MVP. — Bob Cook