Super Bowl XXXVI Ads: Third Quarter

"Malcolm in the Middle"

It's no mistake that "Malcolm in the Middle" sat in a cushy post-"Simpsons" time slot for so long. Despite the illusion of live actors, its content marks it as the other really good cartoon sitcom running on network TV. So in the tradition of "Simpsons", post-Super Bowl Malcolm will feature a grip of celebrity cameos. No mistake. — Wayne Lewis

Honda

In times of uncertainty, a man needs comfort. But it's a lonely world, and when no one else cares, we can at least look to our automobiles. Thus Honda, taking cues from the Saturn Car Company's bizarre cult of customer service, brings us the car that thanks you. There's even a friendly voice at the other end of the line to tell the driver how much Honda of America appreciates him. It's hard to believe we've gotten to the point that people are so starved for validation — even for some human contact — that car companies, cars themselves, are trying to fulfill our emotional needs. — Wayne Lewis)

SBC Pacific Bell

In a fairly entertaining ad that debuted in advance of the Super Bowl, a shag-haired, orange-suited young man chases desperately and ineffectively around the city delivering messages. "Ted", you see, is the company's new e-mail system. Might SBC Pacific Bell Internet be damning their services with faint praise by boasting that their e-mail solutions are more efficient than the foot messenger system that resulted in the runner collapsing dead at the end of the first Marathon? Clients who have waited forever to have their DSL hooked up and weathered customer service hold-time best measured in geological ages would probably disagree. — Wayne Lewis

Callaway Golf

A funny juxtaposition: The fresh, young faces of the golf world interrupt the action of a football game to hawk a new technologically enhanced club. On the one hand you have the biggest event — and a surprisingly interesting game at that — on the calendar of America's favorite brutal sport, where careers rarely last more than five years. On the other, you have a sport that most people take up after retirement, where people often forgo even the walking that could provide exercise. This must be a way of delineating the line between the players on the field, almost all of them superb athletic specimens, and the viewers at home, obese slobs who are seeking ersatz youth and require the miracle of modern engineering to enjoy the country's least strenuous sport. Notice how golf is even butched up with a club named after a big gun ("Big Bertha"), and whose product identification, C-4, recalls explosives, C-3. Cue "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again." — Wayne Lewis

Mercedes-Benz

Long after "Baywatch" has lost its currency, parody ads continue to run. In this one, which has been in circulation long before Super Sunday, a man fakes drowning only to find that the Pamela Anderson clone on the beach is not a lifeguard, and that he is doomed a hot and heavy session of mouth-to-mouth with a frumpy long-haired dude, to his certain dismay. This probably isn't homophobic, though it certainly leans in that direction. One would think that Mercedes is damaging their upscale image by pitching their cars as affordable for the hoi polloi, but then again, maybe times are that hard. — Wayne Lewis

California Cheese Council

The enduring appeal of talking animals lives on. The flip-side of this "happy animals make good food products" message: The misery endured by most of the livestock we upright-ambulating omnivores consume must result in decidedly bad food. I make sure not to think about this stuff when I'm eating a double double at In-N-Out. — Wayne Lewis

Review of the Halftime Show

Smirnoff Ice

Norman Mailer coined the term "White Negro" in an essay detailing the ways white America co-opts the cool of black culture. Here an entire beer company plays that role, as a rapper and crew, dangerously close to stereotypes with names like "Pookie" and "T-Money," etc., discover some definitively unfunky white guys shaking their groove thangs in one shot of the rapper's video. They and their Smirnoff Ices had apparently scammed their ways into the shoot. Who knew that the key to tapping into the exotic essence of black cool could be had solely by drinking a bastardized Zima-ripoff vodka cooler? — Wayne Lewis

Carl's Jr.

While the reference to anal probing is pretty entertaining, as a group of scientists attempt to locate the "nugget" on the chicken, the unappetizing lump of supposed breast meat this spot touts doesn't seem any better than the nuggets it's supposed to trump. Let us take a moment to reflect on our culture's fetish for the authentic, even when the "real" differs little qualitatively from the "fake." Aahh. Wasn't that nice? — Wayne Lewis

United Way — "Sam Adams"

God bless Sam Adams's heart, even though he's a Raven. Kudos to all the NFL'ers who appear as inept behemoths in this series of United Way ads that have appeared regularly on game day this season. Pro athletes with senses of humor about themselves are all too rare. Additionally, they're doing it for a good cause. We won't ruin the warm feelings by mentioning that way too much of the national United Way's money goes toward promotion instead of charity. Oops. — Wayne Lewis

mlife — "Bellybuttons"

America is just crazy about midriffs. Talentless yet tight-tummied singers going at least as far back as Paula Cole owe their careers to the favorable placement of their abs in music videos. Here, through the magical metaphor of the umbilical cord, the collection of variously cute, comely, and downright scary bellies on display in this commercial are somehow linked to the nebulous, vaunted AT&T mlife. Has something to do with wireless it seems. The only thing more muddled than that connection is the hodge-podge of sex appeal and comic relief in this stomach montage. — Wayne Lewis

Budweiser — "How you doin'"

No one could've predicted the longevity of those "Whassup?" ads, which grated on the TV-viewing public's collective nerves too long ago. Here the Jersey I-Talian styled descendant "How you doin?" takes center stage as the minds behind Budweiser's spots dare to ask the question, "How come no one ever answers?" So in a charming little fish-out-of-water story, a friendly Texan, just visitin' the big city, misses the point. The message: We have to enjoy every chance we can get to ridicule rubes from the South/Southwest. Looking forward: "Howdy!" "Howdy!" "Howdy!" True. — Wayne Lewis

Bud Light — "Honey"

Bud Light, which can be very hit or miss, presented a woman tantalizingly teasing her man with silk sheets, a black nightie, and, of course, Bud Light, which sends him running upstairs, jumping on the bed, sliding across the silk and then flying out the window. Yes, it's a beer commercial, but still, it was so stupidly slapstick and typical that it was disappointing. Perhaps that since this is the Super Bowl, I had higher expectations this time around: The concept of beer as an aphrodisiac is played. My co-critic, Wayne Lewis, noted thoughtfully, "That Silk Sheets spot reminds me of alcohol-induced impotence."

I wonder if that occurred to the good people at Budweiser. — Claire Zulkey

40 Days and 40 Nights

The trailer for 40 Days and 40 Nights featured America's next Great White Hunk, Josh Hartnett. The premise for the movie is that this young man gives up sex for Lent (the so-called 40 days and 40 nights before Easter), yet is tantalized by a new love. The trailer says he's trying to do the unthinkable. Is this really supposed to be the hardest thing a young man can face these days? That it's so hard for this guy to not have sex for a little over a month? Especially with a religious tone attached to it? It's not a bet, it's Lent, when, ideally, a person gives up something important to them in the spirit of God. I'm not sure if this is a good premise for a romantic comedy. Perhaps if it was 40 Weeks and 40 Nights or, better yet, 40 Years and 40 Nights, this movie might have more of an impact. — Claire Zulkey

Hotjobs.com — "Repeat"

Hotjobs then gave us a spot that takes obnoxiousness as a premise (always promising) and turns it on its head, as a young woman interviewing for a job repeats everything her interviewer says to her, and is rewarded with a job as a court reporter. While this spot had the ever-appealing surprise factor, what I liked about this commercial is that rude and stupid behavior, usually given to men to perform in a commercial, here was attributed to a woman. It was simple and perhaps not even worth noting, but it's nice to see that women can get comedic roles in commercials instead of just being the straight man, like in the Bud ad. — Claire Zulkey

Universal Orlando

This shrill ad exists in a middle ground of attempted parody lacking both subtlety and the balls to really go for it. The sort of "I want" format of ads popular during the dotcom boom has been ridiculed to greater affect by the Jack in the Box people, and this annoying spot just bears the scent of desperation that the travel and tourism must be giving off nowadays. — Wayne Lewis

Subway

Subway riffs somewhat listlessly on the "Tastes Great"/"Less Filling" debate of yore with this "Delicious"/"Low in Fat" commercial. Our bar for celebrity must have dipped to an all-time low when Jared, the fat guy who lost a person's worth of weight through daily doses of Subway's mediocre fare, is credibly worthy of a moment of embarrassed recognition. Seems to be a nice guy and congratulations to him on getting healthy, but I believe it was the old Wendy's commercial quoted by Walter Mondale that said, "Where's the charisma?" — Wayne Lewis

The Next Austin Powers Movie

A trailer for the movie formerly known as Goldmember appeared conspicuously without titles, thanks to those pesky people behind the James Bond series. Although undoubtedly it will rake in millions of dollars and provide teenagers hours' worth of quoting material, the trailer, featuring an Afro'd Beyonce Knowles, didn't seem promising. Perhaps it was because it featured two particularly unfunny things: the unappealing Fat Bastard character from The Spy Who Shagged Me, and Sumo wrestlers, a comedic source I thought had been tapped long ago. Oh well. Like any superpower, it's fruitless to critique Austin Powers since we all know it's going to be a success anyway. Did I mention it featured the phrase "Yeah, baby, yeah!"? Don't we all love that? — Claire Zulkey

Taco Bell Steak Quesadilla

I suppose funds are tight at the Bell, as their commercial had been running long before the Super Bowl. Following its campaign, the Chicken Quesadilla is treated as a hot new technological product, as a guy invites his friends over to his house to see what he just "installed," the quesadilla. He even got the "upgrade," the steak version. Cute idea, but it's old and played. Yawn. At least it doesn't say "Yo quiero Taco Bell." — Claire Zulkey

truth — "Ratman"

In what I consider to be the most effective, and yet annoying ad campaign in recent years, a giant rat staggers out of a New York sewer carrying a sign informing passers-by that cigarettes contain contaminants similar to those in rat poison. It's moving, and it's jarring, and it makes me want to put my boot through the screen. There is no supporting or accounting for Big Tobacco, but for the love of God, those commercials are so self-righteous, I don't know what to do with myself. The only antidote, of course, is the smooth taste of Chesterfields. Aaahh. — Claire Zulkey

Blockbuster — "Pet Shop"

Themes and repetition. Again, talking animals are cute. Even an interesting twist, having them doing the booty dance. And again, a puzzling example of incongruous comparisons — this time I'll admit that the last time I hit Blockbuster they had some options that would beat watching rodents do the butterfly for two hours. I mean, that stuff's gotta get kind of boring once the novelty wears off. — Wayne Lewis

GMC Cadillac Escalade

We didn't need a new class of obnoxiously huge vehicle. This is the first mention I've heard of the SUT, I guess standing for "sports utility truck." One would think that the image of a truck that fits an entire classic automobile snugly into its cargo area would raise issues. Not the least of which: Do they build parking spaces that big anywhere? — Wayne Lewis

Office of National Drug Control Policy

This anti-drug spot at first seems to be playing off the long-running credit card series that lists the prices of various consumer items and ends with the tag "Priceless." The images of international terrorism portrayed are indeed very powerful. In terms of pure form and manipulation, this may be the best ad shown during the Super Bowl. The point of the ad is questionable though. I easily might have missed the direct connection between drug dealers and Osama Bin Laden that this spot takes as a given. Somehow this propaganda piece just seems to be taking advantage of our national grief to put some gas back in the tank of America's largely failed "war on drugs." Using those means to that end exists somewhere along the continuum of tasteless to reprehensible. — Wayne Lewis

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe"

Good luck to Andy Richter. Will his whimsical office comedy about a man whose imagination gets the best of him go the way of "Herman's Head" or that of "Ally McBeal"? The funny bits displayed here were fairly disappointing, but for the sake of the once upon a time Cabin Boy co-star, we'll hope his show develops into something more fun or more popular. Otherwise, his departure from Conan's show will haunt him a la David Caruso and his memories of "NYPD Blue." — Wayne Lewis