Sitcom Sidekick Showdown
When it comes to the sitcom, it pays to be a
discerning consumer. After all, one only has so much down-time to squander on lousy TV.
Fametracker,
the "farmer's almanac of celebrity worth," has long made it possible to choose between actors crowding a particular
niche. However, Fametracker have yet to offer guidance in the burgeoning arena of former
teen stars reincarnated as horny, wisecracking sitcom sidekicks.
An abundance of these fellows in the Fall '05 lineup means
that you may have to make a choice on your own — or, I can make it for you right now.
The two new primetime sitcoms most prominently
recycling used goods are "Freddie" and "How I Met your
Mother." Neither, of course, employs the TV-star-of-yesteryear in
the lead role. Rather, they fill a slot nearly as essential: The Wing Man.
As every sitcom writer is aware, The Wing Man
is just as important to a sexy sitcom as The Man himself (just ask Jack Tripper,
who was never seen working the Regal Beagle happy hour without Larry
Dallas in tow). And neither ABC nor CBS
forgot factor the Sleazy Sidekick quotient into their new formulaic Fall shows.
Luckily, the D-list market of former child stars
had not been entirely depleted by "Surreal Life"
casting agents, and the networks were able to land the following notorious thrice-named
gems:
Brian Austin Green
- Then: Mixmaster David Silver from "Beverly Hills, 90210,"
a.k.a. "The poor man's Vanilla Ice."
- Now: "Chris," inexplicably wealthy
horny misogynist-next-door on "Freddie."
Neil Patrick Harris
- Then: "Doogie Howser M.D.,"
earnest, virginal boy-surgeon and pioneering blogger.
- Now: "Barney," suit-wearing aficionado
of laser tag and Lebanese women on "How I Met Your Mother."
A. Chris: "These women... they sound fat."
By all rights, "Freddie" should belong to its namesake, star, writer, and executive
producer, he of Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed: Freddie Prinze Jr. The show is billed as Freddie's quest to "maintain his thriving bachelor lifestyle in a house overflowing with estrogen." With
David Silver, er, "Chris, best friend and neighbor" around, however,
Freddie may have bigger concerns, such as keeping a nanny cam on his stash of
crystal meth, and checking his James Brown records for scratch marks.
As you may suspect, Brian Austin Green brings
a questionable resume to this new gig. While watching Freddie, it is difficult
to forget that BAG was spinning the turntable at the Peach Pit After Dark for a
decade as 90210's resident meth-head. During that time of his fictional life,
his real-life extracurricular activities included recording a rap
album, and appearing in a photo spread in the November
'96 issue of Playgirl.
BAG also dabbled in movie-of-the-week fare like Unwed Father and Knots Landing: Back to the Cul-de-Sac, but the starring roles seemed to dry up once 90210 was put down in 2000. Thus the public can be excused if they eye BAG's return to America's living rooms with trepidation. Or, at least I feel justified in being wary. However, Freddie's scriptwriting team is ready to greet your concerns with in-your-face, chick-dissing dialog like:
- Chris, on Vegas women: "The women there get
it...you buy them stuff, and they do stuff to you."
- Chris, on laundromats: "Check it out...it's
poor chicks in their natural habitat."
- Chris, on women of moral substance: "You
see, those women...they sound fat."
Oddly, Chris has no particularly distinctive quirks as a sleazy lead man's amigo. All we know is that he has a great deal of unexplained wealth, and he looks a lot like David Silver. Thus far it's looking grim:
critics
hate Freddie Prinze Jr., so it's up to BAG to steal the show.
B. Barney: "Lebanese women are the new
half-Asians"
You just know that Neil Patrick Harris, after 10 years of hearing "Hey Doogie!" shouted at him from car windows on the Santa Monica Freeway, really sunk his molars into lines like "Oh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty" at the audition for "Barney, wisecracking sidekick." Barney, a sleazy, business-suited womanizer with a yen for demeaning, un-PC remarks ("You know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well now I've got a new favorite... Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians") is yet another opportunity for NPH to shed his saintly egghead image. In gratitude, he chews his scenes like a blind Al Pacino.
To be fair, NPH has been working since his teen doctor days, concentrating on such Doogie-slaying roles as the war-painted
emcee in Broadway's 2003 production of Cabaret, and as himself, high on ecstasy, regaling Harold
and Kumar with his sexual prowess on the set of Doogie ("Dude, I
humped every piece of ass ever on that show.") Followers of NPH's post-Doogie career should not be surprised then to find him turning on the sleaze in an otherwise bland, "Friends"-like comedy. And in fact, critics
can't get enough of this show, and seem to feel that Barney has a wing man's chops. Unlike BAG, NPH is loaded with quirks: he counsels that business attire is the way into a woman's pants, extorting his hapless lead man to "suit up" when they're out trolling for babes. And in his spare time, he blows away 12-year-olds at the local laser tag arena.
C. Verdict: I Choose Barney
Somehow, NPH, using the same well-worn sitcom material, has managed to stake a claim in crass companion territory that thus far has eluded the beleagured BAG. It could be the ties. It might be the smirk. Or perhaps technology has given Barney the edge: like Doogie before him, Barney records his thought-provoking life lessons via computer, to teach all of us the wisdom of the wingman. I'd suggest that Chris suit up, and then give it a read.
— Cheryl Lowry (tiny-dog at comcast dot net)
