Joe Millionaire
Fox
Mondays, 9pm / 8pm Central

"Joe Millionaire" is a seven-part reality series in which 20 women vie to marry a dashing millionaire named Evan. The catch: He's a construction worker who makes $19,000 a year. The women are eliminated until Evan chooses his bride and reveals his secret, leaving the winner with an ostensibly heart-wrenching decision. Flak will provide spirited commentary on every episode each Tuesday morning.

Part Six: In which the joke is on us.

In this episode, we thought that the penultimate question ("Which girl does Evan pick?") would finally be answered. After watching a 58-minute clip show, the wrap-up of which wouldn't even be interesting reading on a deserted island, we see Paul the Butler, who smugly informs us that we will have to wait until next week's two-hour episode to find out whether Evan chooses Zora or Sarah. Then, Paul pauses, and states that in the past, he has refused to comment on rumors that there may be a surprise twist for the audience in next week's episode. "But those rumors are not rumors at all. The final chapter does have a big, surprising, and remarkable twist."

In lieu of a wrap-up of a show that was only watchable for one minute, I'm offering several theories of what the twist might be, leading up to an argument for my personal theory, which, if it isn't correct, is probably more interesting than the actual twist.

The Millionairess Theory. One of the girls is actually a millionaire, most likely humble farm girl Zora. While this hypothesis has the benefits of being a contrived twist as well as a joke on Evan, it's just too obvious and rather pointless. Why would she want Evan? And what if Evan had kicked her off the show? Besides, the women are under such gossip-page scrutiny that surely this fact would have been uncovered by now.

The Evan Millionaire Theory. Evan is actually rich. If this is the twist, it's utterly unimaginative and predictable. And the press would have been able to confirm it.

The Ex Theory. Evan chooses one of the women he's already kicked off. This is unlikely simply because it wasn't part of the original skeleton of the show. The twist is most likely a surprise for Evan himself.

The Wedding Theory. The last episode culminates in a wedding. This is very possible, and very boring. Though it could have been the idea of the same person who thought of the clip show.

The Intervention Theory. All 20 women gather at the chateau to verbally abuse Evan for lying to them.

The Fake Gold-digger Theory. The women knew all along. I'm sure Heidi, Mojo and Melissa M. would love to say they were only acting, but they just aren't smart enough to pull that off.

The Nancy Drew Theory. Evan chooses Zora, and she accepts, but before he can tell her his secret, she interjects and says she figured out the secret long ago, but she doesn't care because she loves him so much! Unlikely, mostly because Zora doesn't seem to be very into Evan.

The Nouveau Riche Theory. After the chosen girl accepts or rejects the Real Evan, the couple (or Evan, depending) is rewarded with at least a million dollars by the show. This is another one that is too obvious to be truly satisfying, though it would be neat to see Paul come out with one of those huge novelty checks.

The Evan Is Really Gay, a Woman, or an Alien Theory. And maybe he's a mer-man. Too obvious, unlikely and impossible, respectively.

The Vanilla Sky Theory. It was all a crazy dream.

And finally, my own theory: The Butler Ex Machina Theory. Throughout the series, it has often been noted that if only Evan could see the way the girls acted when he wasn't around, his choice would be obvious. But Evan, who sees the girls only on scheduled, carefully arranged dates, has on many occasions naively fallen for their greedy guiles. The "host," Alex McLeod, appears on screen for only a few moments at the end of each episode. In fact, it seems that the only people privy to the scheming duplicity of most of the contestants are the camera operators … and the Butler, Paul Hogan.

Let's do a little clip show of our own of Paul's finer moments. There was the time he traded verbal barbs with Heidi as she trampled on the French language and whined about being kicked off. Then there was the time he and Evan met to discuss Evan's picks and Paul commented that he was surprised at Evan's good choices. There were the five kick-off ceremonies, in which Paul, though accompanied by the host McLeod and Evan himself, was the one to call out the names of the lucky girls. Then there was this episode, when, as he narrates the clip of the hot-tub date-crashing scene, Paul comments: "If it were me in that hot-tub, there would have been no dilemma."

In fact, Paul has been present for many of the show's most memorable behind-the-scenes moments, always with that smug, self-amused look on his face. He is the straight man, the proxy audience, all-seeing, all-knowing, the wizard behind the curtain. He is the only person on the show that everyone in America seems to like.

In the press, Paul Hogan is identified as "a former Australian diplomat" who has been a butler in the United States for the past four years. In interviews, Hogan always maintains that he was not in on Evan's secret until the very end. He told the Daily News that he originally thought of Evan, "If this guy's got $50 million, I'm the Queen of England." I posit that the Butler did it. Paul Hogan is the real millionaire and Evan is just girl-bait, and that the decision the girls must make is between the now-lowly Evan and suddenly un-servant-like Paul. Think about it: Evan is tongue-tied, awkward, pretty and dumb. Could they have found a better Christian to Paul's Cyrano De Bergerac?

The argument can be made that if Hogan actually was wealthy, someone would have tipped the press off to this fact. After all, he was (supposedly) a diplomat. Also, the chances are almost nil that any of the women would choose to be with him, or that he would be able to stand any of them after seeing their true selves (hot-tub comment notwithstanding.) But there was something in his manner when he lifted his glass at the end of this episode — the twinkle-eyed anticipation of a player with a card up his sleeve? Or maybe just the defensive superiority of one who has only just been let in on the joke. So if this is the twist, how will Fox do it? Will Evan tell his secret to the women, and then reveal Paul to be the real millionaire? Or will he choose one of the women first, as originally planned, and then tell her? Does Evan even know that the Butler is the real millionaire, or will it be a shock to him as well? One thing is certain: the final episode is two whole hours long, and almost anything could happen. But I'm betting that the Butler has more to do with the outcome of the show than we think, and that the joke is on Joe.

— Lindsay Robertson (lindsay@lindsayism.com)