Whenever a major corporation buys a lot of airtime to say something that enriches the human spirit, start worrying.
Corporations are sort of neat, in that they're accountable for the fiscal well-being of their shareholders, not the health of their communities, or the quality of life they provide their workers. They're basically designed to be completely amoral. If something good happens because of a corporation, that's fine. If something bad happens, that's fine. Just keep your eyes on the ledger, boys.
So when Phillip Morris comes out with another literacy initiative, or anti-pollution campaign or other such feel-good pile of PR, the question is not "how can we thank them?" but, rather, "what are they apologizing for and/or covering up?"
Needless to say, Shell Oil's recent barrage of "Deadly Distractions" commercials is highly, highly suspect.
The commercial — which now makes up approximately 5 percent of all current programming on all channels — features a group of attractive young teens driving around having fun. But, uh-oh! They're talking loudly! And listening to the radio! And enjoying fast food!
It's a ticket to death. The driver is so distracted by a milkshake that he almost plows right into the back of another car! He stops just in time, but the message is clear: Milkshakes kill.
Or something like that. In fact, Shell will send you an entire free book explaining why you shouldn't be distracted by things while you drive. This is a book that they have apparently spent many millions of dollars to promote. What gives? Is this really such a big problem?
According to Shell's MSNBC advertorial page, "Deadly Distractions" include:
* Adjusting the radio, cassette or CD player
* Other occupants in the vehicle
* Eating and drinking while driving
* Personal grooming
* Outside distractions, including:
- Friends in other vehicles
- Roadside advertising
- New construction (shops, restaurants, etc.)
It gives one chills to consider these horrible things.
In order to better contextualize driving while distracted, I recently composed a list of the world's 775 most pressing problems, indexed to media mentions, religious and secular moral concerns, PR campaigns mounted by major corporations and my own personal worldview.
Here are some selected excerpts:
1. Racism
2. Religious intolerance
3. AIDS
4. Unfair taxation
...
...
...
149. Glaciers melting
150. Mercury poisoning
151. Frogs, mass extinction of
...
...
...
612. Aaron Sorkin's drug problem
613. Stand-up comedy, the decline of
614. Front-clasping bras
615. Can't get good egg creams anymore
...
...
...
764. Lycra shorts on fat people, aesthetic impact of
765. Disrespect toward sushi
766. Driving while distracted
767. Sweater lint
It just isn't that big of a deal. No, it's not. When you put it into any kind of context whatsoever, drinking a Coke while driving is not a major world issue, or even a minor national issue.
This presents the obvious question: What is Shell Oil trying to hide?
Is this, in some bizarre sense, atonement for the inequity and violence wrecked upon the Ogoni people of Nigeria, who were brutally punished so that Shell could take oil from their land, without adequate compensation?
This seems unlikely. Ogoni chiefs probably did not collaborate and choose the "Deadly Distractions" campaign as a way to achieve public compensation.
One can only hope that actual investigative journalism uncovers the answers to this compelling question. Until that blessed day, we'll just have to narrow our eyes with suspicion each time the ad airs, and ask ourselves: "Hey — what gives, Shell?"
Just don't do it while you're driving.
— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)
