Clash of the Mascots
by Erik Olson

Americans, and especially American sports fans, have always been enamored by the mano a mano nature of athletic competition. From the biblical (David vs. Goliath) to the historical (Joe Louis vs. Max Schmeling) and the farcical (Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones), throw two opponents into the squared circle and we can't help but stare.

Now, why not apply this joy in the one-on-one, winner-take-all coupling to our favorite one-and-done athletic affair, the NCAA men's basketball tourney? But here's the twist we're using for filling out this bracket: It's mascot vs. mascot, to the death. If your team is aligned with an animal, it's the animal (like one of the seemingly 20 Wildcats and Bulldogs); if you're an anthropomorphic orange, you're, well, an Orangeman. So that's how we're picking, Duck vs. Ute, Wildcat vs. Bulldog. And to ape, not the masterful Marvin Gaye, but instead that bald boxing ref who's older than the Liberty Bell, "Let's get it on!"

FIRST ROUND

Midwest

(16) Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis Jaguars over (1) Kentucky Wildcats
According to seeding, this is an early upset. But when the bigger, heavier Jag de-throats the Wildcat faster than you can say tracheotomy, it's apparent the selection committee had these two backwards.

(9) Utah Utes over (8) Oregon Ducks
Something tells us that the Utes, the Native American people that formerly inhabited a large portion of Utah, Colorado and New Mexico, had a duck dinner or two.

(5) Wisconsin Badgers over (12) Weber State Wildcats
Well known for its burrowing and vicious counterattacks, the wily Badger easily outlasts the fast to frenzy but quick to tire Wildcat.

(13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes over (4) Dayton Flyers
A dream early-round matchup if we've ever seen one — and talk about good offense beating good defense — as the Hurricane easily, er, blows the Flyer away.

(6) Missouri Tigers over (11) Southern Illinois Salukis
For those of you who don't know, a Saluki is a smooth-haired, leggy dog that originated in Egypt. And we've got a photo of one if you didn't catch a good look before the four hundred-pound cat downed it like it was a piece of chocolate cheesecake on the side of Shawn Kemp's post-game dessert tray.

(14) Holy Cross Crusaders over (3) Marquette Golden Eagles
Nothing stands in the way of a good Crusade. Ask George W. Bush.

(10) Alabama Crimson Tide over (7) Indiana Hoosiers
Let's look at this two ways: Does the Alabama mascot, a giant raging elephant, stomp a backwoods Indiana resident? Yes. And does a literal "Crimson Tide" like the tsunami in the halls of The Shining's Overlook Hotel drown a backwoods Indiana resident? Yes and yes.

(2) Pittsburgh Panthers over (15) Wagner Seahawks
In a walk. Seahawk flies around, Seahawk finally lands, Seahawk becomes Panther appetizer.

West

(16)Vermont Catamounts over (1) Arizona Wildcats
Similar to the Midwest's first round matchup, one angry big cat easily cleans its teeth with one smallish "wild" cat.

(8) Cincinnati Bearcats over (9) Gonzaga Bulldogs
It's a bear, it's a cat and either way the Bulldog goes down in a jowly heap.

(12) University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers over (5) Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Dance a jig all you want Leprechaun, it just makes ya more tender for da eatin'.

(4) Illini Fighting Illini over (13) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
It's Manifest Destiny turned on its head, as Chief Illiniwek (How is Illinois still getting away with this?) dances (remember, kids, we're honoring tradition here!) his way past the red-flag waving Hilltopper.

(11) Central Michigan Chippewas over (6) Creighton Bluejays
The Chippewa respects nature, but the bluejay, well known in the birding community as noisy, flying menace still catches a bad one.

(3) Duke Blue Devils over (14) Colorado State Rams
Blue or not, he's still the Prince of Darkness, folks.

(10) Arizona State Sun Devils over (7) Memphis Tigers
An all-Devil matchup looms, as it gets a little too "hot in herre" for el tigre.

(2) Kansas Jayhawks over (15) Utah State Aggies
It's an ag student versus a free-soil robber of the mid-19th century. Could it be scripted any better? In the end, it's the land bandit coming out on top of the guy he shoulda signed up if he wanted to till all the land he swiped. Or maybe that cartoonish bird just poked out the poor FFA kid's eyes.

South

(1) Texas Longhorns over (16) University of North Carolina-Asheville Bulldogs
Yet another Bulldog falls. This time as a kabob on the Longhorn's mighty rack.

(9) Purdue Boilermakers over (8) Louisiana State University Tigers
A sledgehammer-wielding sheetmetal worker versus a giant tabby? The dough's on the one that's unionized.

(12) BYU Cougars over (5) Connecticut Huskies
Much to the horror of the Dave Matthews fans in attendance, each of whom bought a Huskie just to try to pick up the insecure girls at the neighborhood dog run, the canine's disemboweled by the field's won't-play-on-Sundays Cougar.

(13) San Diego Toreros over (4) Stanford Cardinal
It's a tree, folks. Even some well-dressed bullfighter in a cape that Donnatella Versace wouldn't put in her runway show is gonna find a way to fell this foe.

(6) Maryland Terrapins over (11) University of North Carolina-Wilmington Seahawks
Hard to tell with this one. It still could be going on for as far as we know. But since that sea turtle will outlive us all (unless some petroleum tanker runs aground near its beach), we're taking the Terp.

(14) Troy State Trojans over (3) Xavier Musketeers
You'd have thought the Musketeer would've seen that horse trick coming.

(7) Michigan State Spartans over (10)Colorado Buffaloes
Classic defense vs. defense matchup. But even an eight-inch hide is no match for two feet of tempered steel.

(2) Florida Gators over (15) Sam Houston State Bearkats
Cue science class film: "The Bearkat, thirsty from his long journey, stops to sip from the bank along a slow moving brook. But before he knows what has happened, the ferocious Gator he thought was a log has him in a famed 'death roll,' submerged in six feet of murky water." (Yes, that is how "Bearkat" is spelled. In Texas.)

East

(1) Oklahoma Sooners over (16) South Carolina State Bulldogs
Everyone wants to be a Bulldog. But apparently nobody wants to win.

(9) North Carolina State Wolfpack over (8) California Golden Bears
It's like a Mutual of Omaha special edition. But not even a bear, no matter it's color, gets by these Wolves.

(12) Butler Bulldogs over (5) Mississippi State Bulldogs
Just close your eyes and point at one. Or how about this? The Butler one looks tougher. We'll go there.

(13) Austin Peay Governors over (4) Louisville Cardinals
So the politician pays off the tournament committee to get about the only mascot even a slippery guv could whup. Something's not right here.

(6) Oklahoma State Cowboys over (11) Penn Quakers
Pacifist religious-types, meet the smoke wagon. Yee-haw! Cowboy advances in a hail of lead like a scene from Tombstone.

(3) Syracuse Orangemen over (14) Manhattan Jaspers
Named after the college's Brother Jasper of Mary (who is thought to have invented baseball's "seventh inning stretch"), this Jasper isn't advancing, not even past a giant orangehead.

(10) Auburn Tigers over (7) St. Joseph's Hawks
Lions, Tigers, Bears, Hawks, oh my. Just grab him and get it over with Tig.

(2) Wake Forest Demon Deacons over (15) East Tennessee State Bucs
We liked Wake better in the early 20th century when they were simply called the "Baptists," but now with their half-devilish, half-Godliness it's gonna take more than some swashbucklers to get by 'em.

SECOND ROUND

Midwest

(16) IUPUI Jaguars over (9) Utah Utes
After its first round walk, this Jaguar is feeling frisky.

(13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes over (6) Wisconsin Badgers
Burrow all you want. It's the Perfect Storm.

(6) Missouri Tigers over (14) Holy Cross Crusaders
Didn't they throw Crusaders into pits with Tigers? Oh, those might've been lions. Either way.

(10) Alabama Crimson Tide over (2) Pittsburgh Panthers
Crimson Tide over Panthers

West

(8) Cincinnati Bearcats (16) over Vermont Catamounts
About as evenly matched a battle as we've seen. When in doubt pick the school with the lower graduation rate. Oh wait. That's someone else's bracket method.

(12) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers over (4) Illinois Fighting Illini
Does the phrase "limb from limb" mean anything to you?

(3) Duke Blue Devils over (11) Central Michigan Chippewas
The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the Chippewas he didn't exist.

(10) Arizona State Sun Devils (2) over Kansas Jayhawks
Like a blister in the sun.

South

(9) Purdue Boilermakers over (1) Texas Longhorns
Let's welcome this Texas steer to the Iron Age.

(12) BYU Cougars over (13) San Diego Tereros
It's a Cougar, not a bull. Perhaps if he had the Longhorns, then maybe.

(14) Troy State Trojans (6) over Maryland Terrapins
It's one odd matchup, and the turtle even stole a bit from the Trojan's playbook, but Troy State wins for the same reason that Ben Wallace will never be the NBA's most valuable player: You can't only play D.

(2) Florida Gators over (7) Michigan State Spartans
Even the sword and helmet (and fake muscles) can't help you Sparky.

East

(9) North Carolina State Wolfpack over (1) Oklahoma Sooners
The only thing settlers feared more than Scarlet Fever was a pack of wolves.

(12) Butler Bulldogs over (13) Austin Peay Governors
It's Villanova beats Georgetown as a Bulldog (a lowly Bulldog!) advances to the Sweet Sixteen.

(6) Oklahoma State Cowboys over (3) Syracuse Orangemen
Freshly squeezed. Sorry, it's a bit pulpy.

(10) Auburn Tigers over (2) Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Didn't they used to throw Deacons to the Tigers? We've used this one already?

SWEET 16

Midwest

(13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes over (16) IUPUI Panthers
Cats, even big ones, don't like the rain.

(10) Alabama Crimson Tide over (6) Missouri Tigers
When zoo animals do battle, go with the heavyweight.

West

(12) UW Milwaukee Panthers over (8) Cincinnati Bearcats
By a whisker.

(10) Arizona State Sun Devils over (3) Duke Blue Devils
The matchup we've all been waiting for. What puts Sunny over the top? A snowball's never gonna freeze in his Hell.

South

(9) Purdue Boilermakers over (12) BYU Cougars
Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down on her head.

(2) Florida Gators over (14) Troy State Trojans
The boys from Troy weren't ready for this mix of speed, strength and scales.

East

(9) NC State Wolfpack over (12) Butler Bulldogs
One cute little Bulldog versus a pack of Wolves. Riiight.

(6) Oklahoma State Cowboys over (10) Auburn Tigers
"I dun never shot me a Tiger. Well, not since we's robbed that circus train outside Stillwata."

ELITE EIGHT

Midwest: (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes over (10) Alabama Crimson Tide
Funny you should mention tides, they should be well over flood stage by now.

West: (10) Arizona State Sun Devils over (12) UW-Milwaukee Panthers
Grilled Panther anyone?

South: (2) Florida Gators over (9) Purdue Boilermakers
Looks like someone's gonna be filling out a worker's comp claim sheet.

East: (6) Oklahoma State Cowboys over (9) NC State Wolfpack
Only thing that stops a pack of Wolves: a case of shells.

FINAL FOUR

(13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes over (10) Arizona State Sun Devils
In the end, the Sun Devils fizzle out while our Cat. 5 storm rolls right through New Orleans.

(2) Florida Gators over (6) Oklahoma State Cowboys
"I dun shot 'er 11 times, but dat skin, my pistol's no use!"

CHAMPIONSHIP

(2) Florida Gators over (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes
The only mascot tough enough to stop a Hurricane? The one that's lived in the eye of the storm since the dawn of time.

E-mail Erik Olson at eo999@hotmail.com.

— graphic by D.P. Barsam (barsam@hotpop.com)