What's in a Name?
by Bob Cook

This system is one I introduced to Flak readers last year, though it bears some similarity to Erik Olson's mascot approach. In essence, you pick the team with the meanest nickname, and if that doesn't work, pick the meaner colors. And you can ride your own school as far as you like.

FIRST ROUND

Midwest

(1) Kentucky over (16) Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis
(9) Utah over (8) Oregon
(5) Wisconsin over (12) Weber State
(13) Tulsa over (4) Dayton
(6) Missouri over (11) Southern Illinois
(3) Marquette over (14) Holy Cross
(7) Indiana over (10) Alabama
(2)Pittsburgh over (15) Wagner

If Dayton were the Fliers, it would be the pick over the Golden Hurricane of Tulsa because you can fly over a hurricane. However, Dayton is the Flyers, and little pieces of paper have no chance in a storm. Indiana against Alabama was the most difficult pick because each tide dresses in some variety of red and white, and each has a nickname that means nothing except to its fans (Hoosiers versus Crimson Tide). Invoking the place-where-you-went-to-school rule, I pick Indiana, where I spent my sophmore and part of my junior year. Presumably I should use this rule for IUPUI, where I spent the remainder of my college years, but over Kentucky? I'm not an idiot. I think.

West

(1) Arizona over (16) Vermont
(9) Gonazga over (8) Cincinnati
(5) Notre Dame over (12) Wisconsin-Milwaukee
(4) Illinois over (13) Western Kentucky
(11) Central Michigan over (6) Creighton
(3) Duke over (14) Colorado State
(10) Arizona State over (7) Memphis
(2) Kansas over (15) Utah State

Arizona's Wildcats face the Vermont Catamounts, a kind of wildcat. So Vermont loses because it's being pretentious in not just calling itself the Wildcats. Notre Dame and Illinois win because they put "Fightin'" right in the nickname. Central Michigan isn't such a big upset until you realize it's Chippewas over Bluejays. The Gonzaga Bulldogs/Zags because Cincinnati can't keep up with two nicknames.

South

(1) Texas over (16) UNC Asheville
(8) LSU over (9) Purdue
(5) Connecticut over (12) Brigham Young
(13) San Diego over (4) Stanford
(11) UNC Wilmington over (6) Maryland
(3) Xavier over (14) Troy State
(7) Michigan State over (10) Colorado
(2) Florida over (15) Sam Houston State

San Diego's Toreros, with those big knives, easily take the Cardinal. UNC Wilmington's Seahawks swoop across Maryland's lowly Terrapin. The Spartans were damn tough warriors, which is why Michigan State gets past Colorado's Buffaloes. The Xavier Musketeers are not fooled by Troy State, preventing a later matchup between Spartans and Trojans for the Mythical Greek title.

East

(1) Oklahoma over (16) South Carolina State
(8) California over (9) North Carolina State
(12) Butler over (5) Mississippi State
(4) Louisville over (13) Austin Peay
(6) Oklahoma State over (11) Pennsylvania
(3) Syracause over (14) Manhattan
(7) St. Joseph's over (10) Auburn
(2) Wake Forest over (15) East Tennessee State

The toughest matchup is Butler against Mississippi State. Both are Bulldogs, and both have pleasant colors (Butler, blue and white, MSU, crimson and white). Butler's mascot looks meaner. Louisville Cardinals and Austin Peay Governors, you can go back and forth about — the Governors could lift environmental regulations protecting the Cardinals' habitat and water, but the Cardinals can poop all over the gubernatorial limo with no reprisals. Syrcause beats Manhattan because Manhattan the college is not in Manhattan (it's in the Bronx).

SECOND ROUND

Midwest

(1) Kentucky over (9) Utah
(5) Wisconsin over (13) Tulsa
(6)Missouri over (3) Marquette
(2) Pittsburgh over (7) Indiana

As I noted last year with the St. John's Red Storm, Badgers can burrow underground for any storm, which is how Wisconsin can withstand the Golden Hurricane.

West

(1) Arizona over (9) Gonzaga
(4) Illinois over (5) Notre Dame
(3) Duke over (11) Central Michigan
(10) Arizona State over (2) Kansas

It turns out that only the Zags show up against Arizona. Illinois and Notre Dame's game comes down to a fight between each team's stereotypical mascots — the Indian chief and the leprechaun. Duke is the Blue Devils — tough to beat Satan. Same for the Arizona State Sun Devils.

South

(1) Texas over (9) LSU
(13) San Diego over (5) Connecticut
(3) Xavier over (11) UNC Wilmington
(2) Florida over (7) Michigan State

Texas' Longhorns can poke at Louisiana State's Tigers to repel any attack. The Toreros are used to bulls; Huskies are no problem. The Musketeers can stab Seahawks, as the Spartans can do to the Gators.

East

(8) California over (1) Oklahoma
(12) Butler over (4) Louisville
(3) Syracuse over (6) Oklahoma State
(2) Wake Forest over (7) St. Joseph's

California's Golden Bears eat Oklahoma's Sooners, named after unrepentant land-grabbers. It would seem that Cowboys should beat Orangemen, but namesake William of Orange was no slouch in the fighting department. Wake Forest's Demon Deacons beat St. Joseph's because, let's face it, these are evil clergy we're talking about.

SWEET 16

Midwest

(1) Kentucky over (5) Wisconsin
(2) Pittsburgh over (6) Missouri

Wildcats can catch and eat Badgers. Panthers over Tigers comes because nobody ever called themselves the Black Tigers or the Pink Tiger.

West

(1) Arizona over (4) Illinois
(3) Duke over (10) Arizona State

Wildcats chew up anyone human. Duke wins possession of Hell in the battle of Satans, with Arizona State expelled into Limbo.

South

(1) Texas over (13) San Diego
(3) Xavier over (7) Michigan State

Ole! The Toreros step into the arena to wave the red blanket to the Longhorns. The Longhorn rumbles ahead, the Torero takes out a knife — oh my, the Longhorn has trampled the Torero! Maybe the problem is the Torero is too thin, a result of playing its home games in something called the Jenny Craig Pavilion. In the other matchup, the swordsmanship of the Musketeers is too much for the Spartans.

East

(8) California over (12) Butler
(2) Wake Forest over (3) Syracause

Bears beat Bulldogs; evil clergy beat a Calvinist.

ELITE EIGHT

Midwest: (1) Kentucky over (2) Panthers
You have wildcat strikes, oil wildcatters and the concept of wildcatting. So much for Pittsburgh.

West: (3) Duke over (10) Arizona State
Those aren't tats on the Duke players' foreheads — those are the 666 mark of the devil!

South: (1) Texas over (3) Xavier
The Longhorns, already having experience taking care of a sharp instrument-wielding opponent, have no trouble with the skinny swords of the Musketeers.

East: (2) Wake Forest over (8) California
Can no one stop the evil clergy?

FINAL FOUR

(3) Duke over (1) Kentucky
(2) Wake Forest over (1) Texas

This sets up an Exorcist-style final.

CHAMPIONSHIP

(3) Duke over (2) Wake Forest
The real Devils expose the evil priests for what they are — sellouts. After all, they became priests first, right? How is that going to compete with the original Hounds of Hell? The Demon Deacons are cast aside into a pit of eternal fire, while Duke holds the championship trophy and cuts the nets.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.

— graphic by D.P. Barsam (barsam@hotpop.com)