Flak Magazine: Kick Out the Sports! 12.12.05

This year's college football bowl lineup is Elvis Presley and the Jordanaires, Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine — one big-name act backed by a bunch of anonymous players. There's USC vs. Texas in the Rose Bowl, and everything else is just killing time.

But time must be killed. Even if you're an alum of the schools involved, or betting on the games, you might care about bowls other than the Rose Bowl. So, to assist you in draining your bank account, Flak presents its 2nd annual preview of the college bowl games, with picks based on the confidence-pool method. (Put one point down for your least-confident pick, 28 for most-confident. That my 20-plus level picks are on major games reflects the fact I know squat about fourth-place teams from the WAC.)

For the record, last year's picks were good enough to put me in second place in the pool I entered.

NEW ORLEANS BOWL

Southern Mississippi (6-5) vs. Arkansas State (6-5), Dec. 20 at Lafayette, La. (moved from New Orleans)

College football's lamest bowl lost its city, its stadium and its sponsor from last year. But one thing that did come back was defending champion Southern Mississippi. One suspects defending its New Orleans Bowl championship was not on Southern Mississippi's preseason "Goals" list.

Pick: Southern Mississippi

Confidence: 1

GMAC BOWL

UTEP (8-3) vs. Toledo (8-3), Dec. 21 at Mobile, Ala.

Note to UTEP coach Mike Price — if you've learned your lesson from your last time coaching in Alabama, you won't even think of taking a side trip to Pensacola.

Pick: UTEP

Confidence: 5

PIONEER PUREVISION LAS VEGAS

BYU (6-5) vs. California (7-4), Dec. 22 at Las Vegas

Most people don't know Mormons were among the original white settlers of Las Vegas, back when Brigham Young was a person, not a university. Given the Church of Latter-Day Saints' feelings on gambling and drinking, it's safe to say Vegas didn't exactly turn out like the Mormons had hoped.

Pick: California

Confidence: 6

SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL

Colorado State (6-5) vs. Navy (7-4), Dec. 22 at San Diego

Correction: This is the lamest bowl. It has the kind of sponsor that appears on Little League baseball uniforms, not allegedly major college bowls. Plus, are we to assume the credit union's customers — also its nominal owners — approved of this sponsorship? Maybe they got free poinsettia-patterned checks in exchange for their OK. (By the way, Navy playing in San Diego? That's more of a home game than Annapolis.)

(Note: The Credit Union Bowl replaces the Silicon Valley Classic, which was kidnapped, bound, tossed in the trunk of a car, driven to a remote pier and tossed into the water for advertising matchups like last year's Northern Illinois-Troy game as "Classic.")

Pick: Navy, SIR!

Confidence: 2

FORT WORTH BOWL

Houston (6-5) vs. Kansas (6-5), Dec. 23

OK, I mean it this time: This is the lamest bowl. It can't even get a credit union to sponsor it. Or a check-cashing store. Or a pawn shop. Or the corner loan shark.

Pick: Kansas

>Confidence: 3

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL

Nevada (8-3) vs. Central Florida (8-4), Dec. 24

If you didn't see it happen, Central Florida improving from 0-11 to 8-4 in one season under Coach George O'Leary might sound like somebody's been padding his resume again.

Pick: Nevada

Confidence: 4

MOTOR CITY BOWL

Memphis (6-5) vs. Akron (7-5), Dec. 26

In Great Britain and many of its former colonies, the traditional day after Christmas is Boxing Day, given to sending gifts to those of a lower social standing. In the United States, the traditional day after Christmas is the Motor City Bowl, a gift sent to two college football teams of a lower social standing.

Pick: Memphis

Confidence: 12

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL

Clemson (7-4) vs. Colorado (7-5), Dec. 27 at Orlando, Fla.

Another sign you are not a major bowl — one of your teams has some anonymous assistant serving as an interim coach because the head coach got fired for leading the team only as far as your bowl game. On the positive side, defensive coordinator Mike Hankwitz, stepping in for the fired Gary Barnett at Colorado, can regale his grandkids someday with long, pointless stories about the day he was head coach.

Pick: Clemson

Confidence: 20

INSIGHT BOWL

Arizona State (6-5) vs. Rutgers (7-4), Dec. 27 at Phoenix

It's well-known that the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the last NFL team to go through the season undefeated, get together for celebratory champagne every year after the last undefeated team loses. What's less-known is that the 1978 Rutgers football team, the last Scarlet Knights squad to a play in a bowl game, got together for celebratory Boone's Farm once the Scarlet Knights clinched a losing, bowl-ineligible record. Too bad they've got to waste that $2.99 dumping that Boone's Farm down the sink this year.

Pick: Arizona State

Confidence: 11

MPC COMPUTERS BOWL

Boise State (9-3) vs. Boston College (8-3), Dec. 28 at Boise, Idaho

Boston College is upset it got sent to the blue turf of Boise, rather than to the Meineke Car Care Bowl. C'mon, BC, a real football program doesn't lobby to be in the Meineke Car Care Bowl! Have some pride!

Pick: Boston College

Confidence: 23

MASTERCARD ALAMO BOWL

Michigan (7-4) vs. Nebraska (7-4), Dec. 28 at San Antonio, Texas

When Nebraska hired Bill Callahan to return its program to glory, the Mastercard Alamo Bowl was probably not what it had in mind.

Pick: Michigan

Confidence: 25

EMERALD BOWL

Georgia Tech (7-4) vs. Utah (6-5), Dec. 29 at San Francisco

If San Francisco 49ers quarterback and Utah alum Alex Smith stops by, bet you anything that the camera will be turned on him, and the announcers will describe his difficult rookie season in terms so downcast yet sympathetic, you'll think the poor guy contracted terminal cancer.

Pick: Georgia Tech

Confidence: 17

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL

Oregon (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (7-4), Dec. 29 at San Diego

The Holiday Bowl used to be where BYU, under a gunslinging quarterback like Jim McMahon or Steve Young, would have some 46-45 shootout with some third-place team from another conference. Now it's the place where the BCS committee sticks an upper-echelon Pac-10 team after screwing it over for a major bowl. And where that Pac-10 team loses.

Pick: Oklahoma

Confidence: 7

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL

Minnesota (7-4) vs. Virginia (6-5), Dec. 30 at Nashville, Tenn.

Every year, there's the requisite game between two teams from major conferences that has no buzz, one that features teams you're surprised to see because you didn't think they had won enough games to be bowl-eligible. As it was last year, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl is that game.

Pick: Minnesota

Confidence: 16

VITALIS SUN BOWL

Northwestern (7-4) vs. UCLA (9-2), Dec. 30 at El Paso, Texas

Because of the sponsor, Sun Bowl organizers made sure to pick two teams whose players had the most fabulous, shimmering hair.

Pick: UCLA

Confidence: 15

INDEPENDENCE BOWL

South Carolina (7-4) vs. Missouri (6-5), Dec. 30 at Shreveport, La.

Because these are otherwise nondescript programs — if they weren't, they'd be playing somewhere better than the Independence Bowl — the announcers and the cameras will be trained on South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier the whole time. In fact, you will see no game action whatsoever. You'll only be able to tell how things are going by what Spurrier is doing with his visor.

Pick: South Carolina

Confidence: 18

CHICK-FIL-A PEACH BOWL

Miami (9-2) vs. LSU (10-2), Dec. 30 at Atlanta

Isn't it just a little cruel pairing a team called the Hurricanes with a team from Louisiana?

Pick: LSU

Confidence: 14

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL

South Florida (6-5) vs. North Carolina State (6-5), Dec. 31 at Charlotte, N.C.

The box-office staff says it's heard the joke already, so please stop calling to say, "I'm not going to pay a lot for this bowl game!" By the way, if South Florida wants to bring in someone to give the team a pep talk, I'd recommend former professor Sami Al-Arian. After all, he has experience beating the odds to defeat an opponent who, on paper, looked to be far stronger.

Pick: South Florida

Confidence: 8

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL

Tulsa (8-4) vs. Fresno State (8-4), Dec. 31 at Memphis, Tenn.

Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush of USC should send Fresno State a thank-you gift of some kind, given how his 500-plus yards of total offense and kick returns against the Bulldogs cemented his campaign. You know, like how a running back with a 1,500-yard season buys a Rolex for every member of his offensive line. The least he could do is send a bouquet of flowers, a candygram — something, anything.

Pick: Fresno State

Confidence: 9

EV1.NET BOWL

Texas Christian (10-1) vs. Iowa State (7-4), Dec. 31 at Houston

TCU has the coolest name for a college newspaper — the Daily Skiff. So when you see Bob Schieffer, the TCU journalism school's namesake, on the CBS Evening News, imagine him as a TCU calling a source: "Hello, this is Bob Schieffer from the Skiff."

Pick: TCU

Confidence: 21

AT&T COTTON BOWL

Texas Tech (9-2) vs. Alabama (9-2), Jan. 2 at Dallas

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach and his pass-wacky offense was the subject of a recent New York Times profile by Michael Lewis, the author of "Moneyball." ESPN announcer Joe Morgan, when asked about the Times piece, said not only doesn't he buy into Leach's philosophy, but he also said he had not read and refuses to read the article Leach wrote about himself.

Pick: Texas Tech

Confidence: 19

OUTBACK BOWL

Iowa (7-4) vs. Florida (8-3), Jan. 2 at Tampa, Fla.

If women's groups were upset with Iowa for having its visitors locker room painted pink, just wait until they hear of a renovation planned for next year — installing bidets.

Pick: Florida

Confidence: 22

TOYOTA GATOR BOWL

Louisville (9-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2), Jan. 2 at Jacksonville, Fla.

For what seems like the 35th consecutive year, Louisville is quarterbacked by a member of the Brohm family. Recently, the Cardinals got a long-term commitment from the Brohm family when former quarterback Jeff Brohm announced frozen embryos he fathered will attend Louisville.

Pick: Virginia Tech

Confidence: 10

CAPITAL ONE BOWL

Wisconsin (9-2) vs. Auburn (9-2), Jan. 2 at Orlando, Fla.

This is the last game for Wisconsin coach Barry Alvarez, who will concentrate on his role as the school's athletic director. That's because preparing for football games was interfering with his true love, discussing recruiting compliance with the cross country coach.

Pick: Auburn

Confidence: 13

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL

Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2), Jan. 2 at Tempe, Ariz.

That's right, Notre Dame haters, the Irish are back in a major bowl. Even if there were far more deserving teams. And there's nothing you can do about it! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! (Well, actually, there IS something you can do about it. Stop watching them! If you want to watch a team in green just to see it lose, and you don't want to see Notre Dame get a plum bowl bid, then work up some hatred for Oregon.)

Pick: Notre Dame

Confidence: 27

NOKIA SUGAR BOWL

Georgia (10-2) vs. West Virginia (10-1), Jan. 2 at Atlanta (moved from New Orleans)

Eventually, people are really going to start asking why the Big East is still in the BCS. Probably about when Georgia goes up 24-0 early in the second quarter.

Pick: Georgia

Confidence: 26

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL

Penn State (10-1) vs. Florida State (8-4), Jan. 2 at Miami

It seems like fate — Penn State's Joe Paterno and Florida State's Bobby Bowden, the two oldest coaches in Division I-A football, sent to Miami for the winter. Cross your fingers that one of them doesn't wear socks and sandals.

Pick: Penn State

Confidence: 25

THE ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY CITI

USC (12-0) vs. Texas (12-0), Jan. 4 at Pasadena, Calif.

Who named this game, Arte Moreno? Regardless, this is the titanic classic we're waiting to see. Unfortunately, it will be titanic in the sense that Texas will sink like the big ship after it hit the iceberg. USC is going to win its third straight title, cementing its status as one of the greatest college teams ever. For my next bold predicition, the sun will rise in the East tomorrow.

Pick: USC

Confidence: 28

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.