Flak Magazine: Kick Out the Sports! 11.14.05

Nebraska football coach Bill Callahan's career is, pardon the pun, on a downward spiral. In 2002, his Oakland Raiders were in the Super Bowl. In 2003, he called his Raiders "dumb" as they fell to 4-12. In 2004, he took over the Nebraska program, which had fired Frank Solich for going "only" 9-3 the previous season, and sunk it into the depths of a 11-10 record, going 9-10 against fellow Division I-A opponents.

So it's natural that Callahan is going to be under some fire from the folks in Nebraska, a longtime power not used to flailing against the Kansases of the college football world. An Omaha TV reporter, in fact, went so far on Nov. 8 as to ask Callahan during his weekly news conference whether, if he were the athletic director, he would fire himself.

Callahan responded: "Now what kind of question is that? Honestly, what kind of question is that? Next question, please."

Sure, asking someone whether he would fire himself is rank grandstanding, because no one would ever say, "Yes." But if you're going to grandstand, be a little more creative about it.

With that in mind, I present the Middle-Market TV Reporter's Guide to Creative Grandstanding. A coach such as Callahan might get angry over being asked to put himself in his boss' shoes, especially if his boss has a nasty bunion problem. But you might get something out of a coach by varying the question like this:

If you were your wife, would you leave yourself?

If you were your dog, would you bite yourself? (Guaranteed to get some double-entendre titters in the press room. Heh, I said titters.)

If you were God, would you smite yourself?

If you were Drew Rosenhaus, would you issue an insanely angry rejoinder to defend yourself?

If you were Dick Cheney, would you toss yourself into a secret CIA prison?

If you were Angelina Jolie, would you refuse to adopt yourself?

If you were Ugueth Urbina, would you (allegedly) take a machete to yourself, then set yourself on fire?

If you were the owner of a racehorse with a broken leg, would you have yourself shot?

If you were Tom Cruise, would you still jump on Oprah's couch with excitement over yourself?

If you were Ron Artest, would you go into the stands and attack yourself?

If you were Barbara Walters, would you leave yourself off your list of the 10 Most Fascinating People?

So do you think "A River Ain't Too Much to Love" is the best work you've done? Wait, you mean you're not the Bill Callahan behind the band Smog?

If you were Aaron Burr (or Zell Miller), would you challenge yourself to a duel?

If you were a television executive, would you cancel yourself? Or at least put "Joey" out of its misery?

If you were a priest, would you have yourself defrocked?

If you were a tree, would you drop your leaves in utter surrender as you fall under winter's darkness?

If you were a death-row inmate, would the governor stay your execution?

If you were ESPN, would you have Steve Phillips do a make-believe press conference as yourself?

If you were a life insurer, would you deny yourself coverage? Even if it was one of those Ed McMahon-pitched policies that claims you could never be turned down?

If you were me, would you be asking yourself, if you were the athletic director, would you fire yourself?

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.