Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Man, the NFL has a lot of prima donnas. You've got Terrell Owens ripping his Philadelphia Eagles teammates and begging for more attention for his accomplishments. You've got Atlanta's Michael Vick declaring no one should criticize him and, by extension, alter ego Ron Mexico. You've got Saints owner Tom Benson refusing to commit to keeping the team in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans, in the process making himself dinner reservations in Louisiana's hell with ex-FEMA chief Mike Brown. And we don't even know yet exactly which Minnesota Vikings were doing what unsavory acts on their infamous off-week "Love Boat" cruise.

All of this bad behavior would be difficult for any sports league to overcome, but the NFL again is showing why it's the most successful league in sports. For when life gave the NFL lemons, the league made HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS!!!!!!

OK, maybe the league didn't make this happen, but it's hard to concentrate on what Owens is doing when you know there are HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS!!!!!!

As you may have heard, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders got busted at a Tampa nightclub for having HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADER!!!!!! sex in a bathroom stall. Technically, they didn't get busted for the HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADER!!!!!! sex. They got busted when one of them punched a woman who was inquiring whether the bathroom was going to be open anytime soon.

I imagine the conversation started like this:

Woman in line (dancing in place): Uh, I really have to go. Are you going to be out of there soon?

HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADER!!!!!!: Yes! YES! YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!

Woman in line (grimacing): Then could you open the goddamn door?

It seems like something out of a late-night Skinemax movie, except that the scene would have taken place in some luxurious back room of the club, because it's hard to fit cameras in a bathroom stall.

(And yes, just about every man in the universe has noted the ensuing punch wouldn't have happened if the HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS!!!!!! had been going at it in the men's room. In fact, the punches would have been thrown between the guys fighting for a better view.)

The previous parenthetical brings up two questions. First, what is with straight men's fascination with lesbians? (The lipstick kind, not the truck-drivin' kind.) As noted in the women's magazine Redbook, "Two lesbians composing a grocery list will send a man into spasms of erotic bliss." Especially if that list includes cucumbers or strawberries. Second, how does this jibe with the way straight men view cheerleaders?

Even the great minds at Redbook couldn't figure out the answer to the first question. Some say it's because men are so visual about sex. Some say it's because men have a power trip about watching two women submit to their pleasures. Some say it's because men don't like watching sex scenes featuring some guy's hairy ass. Whatever the reason, at least in theory, the idea of two women getting on is up high in every straight man's fantasy, up there with getting a kick-butt HDTV system. (Of course, this fantasy may or may not move down the list if it involves a man's girlfriend, wife, sister, mother, grandmother or some combination thereof.)

The cheerleader fantasy also has ranked high for men, even in the days when cheerleaders wore poodle skirts. Certainly, they represent an unattainable beauty, because for most men the cheerleaders were the girls least likely to date them, assuming anybody wanted to date them. Also, there's a bit of the old caveman competition involved. The cheerleaders are cheering for another group of men, thus making them all the more likely to appeal to men's fantasies about hitting them over the head with a club and dragging them back to their cave.

In a way, it's helped the fantasy that cheerleaders, even when in various stages of skimpy dress, are still sold as wholesome girls next door. Think of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, with their bare midriffs and strict fraternization rules. Or even the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, with their lingerie calendars and... well, most men just stop right there.

Put lesbian and cheerleaders together as HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS!!!!!!, and you have the straight man's greatest, most exciting combination since the bass boat and the power motor.

That is why no matter what happens the rest of the season, a lot of men are going to be completely distracted with the pom-pon shakers on the sidelines. Women, be warned — that glazed, drooling look your man has on Sundays is not going to be because he's so into the game.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.