Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook
Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.
Step aside, Billy Beane. Your statistics-based "Moneyball" is no longer the latest innovation in scouting talent. Get ready for the "Money Helix." The Chicago Bulls are the
early adopters of using the ol' Watson 'n' Crick to assess their talent, what with their demand that center Eddy Curry take a DNA test before he signs his next contract. As Spindletop birthed the modern petroleum industry, "Money Helix" will birth the modern athletics industry.
The ostensible reason for the Bulls' demand is to determine Curry's
susceptibility to dying of a heart attack on the basketball court, what with the baby Bull's trouble last season with an irregular heartbeat of undetermined cause. (The Bulls got the idea from a cardiologist who said genetic testing could succeed where other methods had failed.) If things go the Bulls' way, that demand will be the gusher that makes DNA testing the centerpiece of sport.
The Bulls' checking of Curry's not-telling-a-tale heart is but the ground floor of the DNA testing movement. Don't think it's a good idea? Why, the
greatest pro sports commissioner who ever lived, David Stern, not only endorses
the Bulls' attempt to test Curry, he endorses testing every player who steps into an NBA rookie camp.
After all, teams could use DNA testing to discover all sorts of helpful
information critical to their success. For example, if we are to believe Charles Oakley's assertion that 60 percent of NBA players smoke marijuana, teams would no doubt attempt to devise a test for a genetic predisposition toward weed. Had they involved themselves in DNA testing last year, the Boston Red Sox could have found out for sure if the New York Yankees were Pedro Martinez's daddy. But that's not all. Could genetic testing not be used to discover who's more likely to pull a hamstring, groin or contract holdout?
New genes governing various mundane functions are being discovered all the time. Soon, teams could test for a genetic predisposition to hog the ball, or to hit into the double play, or to throw the ball into coverage. Thanks to genetic
testing, NFL fans could be spared future Joey Harringtons.
As technology keeps advancing, it's possible teams could branch beyond mere
testing into the world of crossbreeding athletic traits like corn. Have a wide
receiver with great speed but rotten hands? Stick a good-hands gene in him!
There's no need to limit genetic testing and all its possibilities to
athletes. Why not coaches? Think of how many fewer hearts Larry Brown would
have broken if, early in his career, someone yanked out a lock of his hair to
test it for a nomad gene.
Management can be tested as well. For example, if you want to make sure your
general manager drafts for actual talent, rather than "upside," you can test
him for a predisposition to overrate young, athletic specimens.
And why not fans? Stadiums could look more like pastoral ballfields and
less like Attack of the Mall Cops if fans had to be tested, upon entry, for a
susceptibility, known as the Ligue gene, to
leap onto the field of play and beat up the game's participants.
Nitpickers would argue that the Bulls' requirement of a DNA test is illegal, and that any test would not be accurate. After all, a heart ailment might not be
what impairs Curry's ability to play basketball. He could always get hit by a
truck. At the least, there's a question of invasion of privacy, right? Bah.
This is sports, for pete's sake — test first, ask questions later!
Anyway, a group of guys who participate in regular group showers and have
someone watching them while they drain their precious
bodily fluids into plastic cups, are a group of guys who have long since
gotten used to abandoning their dignity. Yes, in this brave new world of
genetic testing, you can get the players you want, the coaches you want, the
management you want, even the fans you want, through the magic of science. Why
bother with steroids, when the "Money Helix" is where it's at? Someday, if
their management gets what it wants, the Bulls will be remembered more for
blowing the top off of DNA testing, and less for running Michael Jordan out
of town.
E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.
