Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Before this column begins, I want to acknowledge that this format was ripped off from, er, inspired by the website Media Matters for America, a self-described "conservative misinformation" watchdog founded by the self-described ex-conservative misinformationist David Brock.

Before he jumped off the virtual plank various blogging pirates made him walk, Talon News "reporter" Jeff Gannon made a name for himself as the most prolific pitcher of softballs at White House press briefings. Just as White House press secretary Scott McClellan, or even President Bush, would be about ready to choke on a pretzel of probing questions, Gannon would pipe up with a Heimlich maneuver of partisan hackery. As we have recently learned, Gannon is really Jim Guckert, making him not only a rare case of a White House reporter getting press passes under an assumed name, but also a rare case of an apparent operator of gay porn and escort sites getting press passes under any name.

But upon further review, Gannon/Guckert, who suddenly quit the presidential beat when his identity came to light, was not merely a White House lackey in disguise. A review of transcripts is creating scuttlebutt that, come to think about it, there was someone who resembled Gannon/Guckert at various sports-related news conferences, also in the service of lobbing fat pitches over the plate for a troubled source to smite. As in the case with the Bush administration, it's unclear whether Gannon/Guckert and the subjects he "interviewed" were in bed — figuratively — together. But there's no doubt he bailed out some powerful people in their times of trouble.

"Wouldn't you think he'd appreciate all you've done for him?"

On Nov. 9, 2004, Ohio State University hastily called a news conference to answer charges by suspended running back Maurice Clarett, made in an ESPN The Magazine article, that detailed numerous NCAA rules violations. Clarett said coaches arranged loaner cars for him; boosters gave him cash and paying, no-work jobs; and tutors did schoolwork for him. Reporters pummeled athletic director Andy Geiger, who has since announced his retirement, about Clarett's charges, the running back's relationship to the school in his short and corroborations of Clarett's allegations by former players. Just when an administrative assistant entered the room to wipe the cold sweat off of Geiger's brow, a reporter identifying himself as "Race Bannon" of "Talent News" stood up.

Geiger: Go ahead, Mr. Bannon

Q: Thank you. You have served as athletic director for many years, and among your colleagues your tenure is known to be above reproach. And we all know what a wonderful job Coach Jim Tressel has done in reinvigorating the sweater-vest industry. So I ask: Shouldn't a young, poor black child like Maurice Clarett from a Democrat-dominated, mobbed-up sinkhole like Youngstown be kissing your feet, and snuggling with one of Coach Tressel's sweater vests, in appreciation for getting the opportunity to have a free education and play football at one of America's finest universities? Wouldn't you think he'd appreciate all you've done for him?

Geiger: Well, thank you, Mr. Bannon. I can't speak to Mr. Clarett's mindset, so all I have to say about that is we give many opportunities to many young football players, from all walks of life, and all we ask is that they be true student-athletes, to represent our university with class and dignity. And I think just about everyone does that.

Q: A follow-up question, if you please. Winning national championships is just the icing on the cake, right? I know you would never sacrifice the school's integrity for a national championship.

Geiger (chuckling): Heh heh, well, you've got me there, Mr. Bannon!

"Isn't it clear that one side wants to save the NHL, and the other side wants to kill it?"

On Dec. 14, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman held a news conference in Toronto to discuss a contract proposal released five days earlier by the NHL Players Association. The proposal included a 24 percent salary rollback and a luxury tax on overspending teams, but not the hard salary cap the NHL's owners demand in order to end a lockout that has placed the season, pardon the pun, on ice. When Bettman appeared to get mildly flustered by pointed questions over the owners' refusal to consider the fairness of the players' offer, a reporter identifying himself as "Gord Le Cannon" of "Toque News" stood up.

Bettman: Go ahead, Monsieur Le Cannon.

Q: Merci boucoup, Monsieur Bettman. We French-speaking Canadians appreciate your reaching out to us. My question is, by offering a proposal that clearly is, how do you say, tripe, aren't the Players Association and its lackeys completely divorced from reality? Isn't it clear that one side wants to save the NHL, and the other wants to kill it?

Bettman: Well, thank you, Monsieur Le Cannon. I can't speak to the players' mindset, so all I have to say is that we have a proposal we believe will keep the league on firm financial footing for years to come, and will create an economic structure that will afford all teams a chance to win and make a profit, and stay in their Canadian homeland if they wish.

Q: A follow-up, mon frère. This means, under your proposal, the Winnipeg Jets and, repos de Dieu leur âme, Les Nordiques de Quebec would have never left? I'm sure no one could accuse you of never putting fans first.

Bettman (chuckling): Heh heh, well, you've got me there, Monsieur Le Cannon!

"Shouldn't a known criminal like Jose Canseco just keep his mouth shut?"

On Feb. 10, New York Yankees slugger Jason Giambi held a tightly controlled news conference at Yankee Stadium, presumably to address charges that he used steroids, although he never mentioned the word "steroids," as it turned out.

Giambi's name came up in leaked grand jury testimony involving a San Francisco Bay Area company accused of providing steroids to players. In his new tell-all book, former home-run champion Jose Canseco names Giambi as one of the players he introduced to steroids.

At one point, under the harsh glare of the New York media, it appeared Giambi was ready to snap into a 'roid rage and maybe even say exactly what the hell he was apologizing for. Then, a reporter identifying himself as "Biff Tannen" from the "Hill Valley Telegraph" stood up.

Giambi: Go ahead, Mr. Tannen.

Q: Jason, we all know what a low, low man Jose Canseco is. Anybody who would date Madonna is hardly above reproach, hmmm? And what about that time a ball bounced off his head and went over the fence for a home run? After that, I bet he can't remember how to tie his shoes, much less who he injected in the rear with steroids, huh? I mean, is this guy a basket case or what? All the arrests, speeding tickets and Lord knows what other nefarious deeds. Shouldn't a known criminal like Jose Canseco just keep his mouth shut?

Giambi: Well, I can't speak to Jose Canseco's mindset, or his motivations. All I know is, I'm sorry for what I did, and I don't want to let the fans down. I know that in my position as a major-league ballplayer, kids look up to me, something Jose should know as well.

Q: A follow-up, Mr. Giambi. I just want to say, I don't care what anyone else says, you look great. All strong and rippling and beefy. Who can argue with that?

Giambi (chuckling): Heh heh, well, you've got me there, Mr. Tannen!

Interestingly, "Tannen's" presence at Giambi's news conference — followed by a quick exchange in which reporters spotted "Tannen" asking Giambi if he wanted to appear on a couple of websites he operates — took place only two days after Gannon/Guckert quit Talon News and pulled all his past stories off his personal website.

We still don't know whether "Jeff Gannon," "Race Bannon," "Gord Le Cannon" and "Biff Tannen" are all the same person. But we do know that in every news conference where a so-called reporter offers a lifeline to a struggling source, be it in politics or sports, Gannon will be there. At least in spirit.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.