Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

From my regular exposure to advertising, I have it on good authority there is a very important football game in a few weeks. It has a name, but we dare not speak it.

For example, I hear from Best Buy and Circuit City that you can get a big-screen television delivered to your home in time for "The Big Game," as long as you pay for the TV. On the radio one morning, I heard a shill for SuperTarget describe a chili recipe you could create for the guests who come to your house, apparently featuring its new big-screen television, to watch "The Game."

Of course, The Game of which they are speaking is...well, I won't say what it is, because I don't have a pre-existing sponsorship agreement with the professional football association that puts on the endeavor. If I said the name, I would receive the legal equivalent of death-by-stoning that was once reserved for those who said "Jehovah" in public.

On the other hand, maybe it's OK for me to say it, because I'm not using it for commercial purposes. Given all the caution from companies that have the money to defend themselves in court, I figure better safe than sorry. No need to mention the actual title of the contest.

That's why your electronics stores, grocery stores and bait shops that haven't shoveled enormous quantities of cash to the professional football association organizing this so-called "Big Game" must find some euphemistic way to describe it. It has to be couched in a way that makes it apparent that when they say, "Big Game," they don't mean, we'll get your big-screen television to your home before the IUPUI men's basketball team hosts Valparaiso Feb. 3 at the Jaguars' first-ever appearance at the Indiana Pacers' home court, Conseco Fieldhouse. Actually, that delivery date would still be good, because that's a few days before the Big Game, the date of which also is never mentioned in these subtle Game-themed advertisements.

It's not exactly clear when advertising that was not technically official sponsorship for the You-Know-What was barred by the professional football association, with enforcement by lawyers writing vaguely worded threats. Perhaps it's that this particular Big Game famously pulls in millions of dollars per minute for television advertising, making it a lucrative property to protect, that got the attorneys on the case.

To be fair though, the professional football association that puts on this Game is hardly the only one to police advertising to make sure some company isn't attaching itself to the event like a zebra mussel.

That group and many others are following a template set by a particular worldwide organization that hosts infrequent multi-sport events. That organization for years has sued anyone who would dare use its name or logo, the one with the interlocking circular shapes.

So now we have, in advance of the baseball event that touts itself as crowning the champion of the world, advertising with phrases such as, "Win tickets to a baseball event in October!" In advance of a particularly prominent automobile race coming up in a few weeks, you'll see or hear ads that may promise some contest winner tied to "a February racing event." Next month, count on advertisements about stocking up on munchies for "the March tournament."

Again, these advertisers are counting on their audience realizing that the baseball event in October is not some warm-weather city's 35-and-over-league tournament, that the February racing event is not a dirt-track special in Georgia, and that the March tournament does not involve high-school bands walking in scripted patterns. Like the bank-robbing brothers in Raising Arizona, they're using code names. And if you don't know the code, you're probably not the advertisers' intended target.

Still, it hurts your ears to hear, yours eyes to read, and my fingers to type, these beating-around-the-athletic-bush colloquialisms for well-known events. It would be nice if the sports organizations would let everyone come out of the closet. Of course what will probably happen is other, lesser events will be inspired to follow their lead.

You'll hear an advertisement someday promising a trip to "a very, very long spring run in Massachusetts." You'll be told to stock up on snacks for "a championship fisticuffs exhibition." Electronics chains will beckon you with, "buy a new TV before the card tournament that ends up repeating a zillion times on a prominent cable television sports network."

And you might respond, if only you knew what the heck they were talking about.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.