Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Starting Tuesday, the college football bowl season begins. If you're like most people — which, being the unique and special person you are, you most certainly are not — you get confused looking through the bowl listings of mostly no-name teams playing in games with sponsors so obscure you have to assume the cost differential between bowl sponsorship and Little League team sponsorship is pretty small.

Well here's a handy-dandy guide to the college football bowl season. Mindful that if you're not a hardcore fan or an alumnus of the school involved, you're probably a bettor, we've modeled our handy-dandy guide after the Confidence Pool. That's the kind of pool in which you not only pick the winner, but also pick how confident you are in your pick. So if you think your team is a sure shot, you give it the maximum score of 28 (28 winners out of 56 bowls). Least confident, put down a 1.

Of course, given that sports gambling is illegal in most jurisdictions, we would never advise you use this guide for wagering purposes, lest we get accused of fomenting illicit activity. Or receive angry e-mails if you follow these ill-advised picks.

WYNDHAM HOTELS NEW ORLEANS BOWL
North Texas (7-4) vs. Southern Mississippi (6-5), Dec. 14, New Orleans

North Texas, as the perennial Sun Belt Conference champion, has played in every New Orleans Bowl since its 2001 inauguration. That's the equivalent of being the perennial Homecoming King nominee from the Adams College chapter of Tri Lambda. The Sun Belt takes any straggler unwanted by the rest of Division I, regardless of geography. Unless Idaho's membership in the Sun Belt means that global warming is a lot worse than we thought.

PICK: Southern Mississippi.
CONFIDENCE: 21

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Syracuse (6-5) vs. Georgia Tech (6-5), Dec. 21, Orlando, Fla.

In deference to its sponsor, the teams will wear jerseys picked out from an Orlando outlet of the sports souvenir chain. Unfortunately, Syracuse's starting quarterback was the last to arrive at the store, and all that was left was a size-small Shaquille O'Neal tank top.

PICK: Georgia Tech
CONFIDENCE: 14

GMAC BOWL
Memphis (8-3) vs. Bowling Green (8-3), Dec. 22, Mobile, Ala.

Also in deference to its sponsor, each team will get the opportunity to apply for 0 percent financing toward its next touchdown. What the teams haven't yet been told is that, before the financing can be closed, they'll be escorted from room to room to be browbeaten into buying the extended warranty.

PICK: Memphis
CONFIDENCE: 18

PLAINSCAPITAL FORT WORTH BOWL
Cincinnati (6-5) vs. Marshall (6-5), Dec. 23, Fort Worth, Texas

Marshall is one of five — yes, five — teams from the heretofore one-half-step-above- the-Sun-Belt Mid-American Conference playing in a bowl game. That's as many teams as the Big Ten is sending! At this rate, in a few years the most important football game in the Midwest will not be Michigan-Ohio State. It will be Central Michigan-Ohio.

PICK: Marshall
CONFIDENCE: 7

PIONEER PURE VISION LAS VEGAS BOWL
UCLA (6-5) vs. Wyoming (6-5), Dec. 23, Las Vegas

Not exactly the match-up to pull people away from the slot machines, is it? Then again, given how many people surgically attach themselves to their favorite machines, the need to urinate doesn't necessarily pull people away from the slot machines, either.

PICK: UCLA
CONFIDENCE: 19

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL
Hawaii (7-5) vs. Alabama-Birmingham (7-4), Dec. 24, Honolulu

Hawaii's program can brag that it turned Timmy Chang into the leading passer in NCAA history. UAB's program can brag that its school settled a lawsuit alleging the team turned a 15-year-old budding genius into the leading junkie whore in campus history.

PICK: Hawaii
CONFIDENCE: 13

MPC COMPUTERS BOWL

Fresno State (8-3) vs. Virginia (8-3), Dec. 27, Boise, Idaho

The blue turf at Boise's stadium makes it appear that the game is being played on a ping-pong table. A very cold, snow-covered ping-pong table.

PICK: Virginia
CONFIDENCE: 20

MOTOR CITY BOWL

Toledo (9-3) vs. Connecticut (7-4), Dec. 27, Detroit

Memo to both teams: if a fan throws a beer cup at you, do not charge into the stands. You will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!

PICK: Toledo
CONFIDENCE: 6

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Iowa State (6-5) vs. Miami (Ohio) (8-4), Dec. 28, Shreveport, La.

This bowl used to have the greatest, most ridiculous name ever foisted upon it by a sponsor: the Poulan/Weed Eater Independence Bowl. Sadly, there's no sponsor for this bowl anymore. Can't someone who makes edgers or seed spreaders step in to fill the ridiculous-sounding lawn-equipment sponsor void?

PICK: Miami (Ohio)
CONFIDENCE: 5

INSIGHT BOWL
Oregon State (6-5) vs. Notre Dame (6-5), Dec. 28, Phoenix

A question: if Notre Dame, as many say, doesn't matter anymore, how come the firing of coach Tyrone Willingham and the comical search for a new coach got wall-to-wall coverage?

PICK: Oregon State
CONFIDENCE: 8

EVI.NET HOUSTON BOWL
Colorado (7-5) vs. Texas-El Paso (8-3) , Dec. 29, Houston

UTEP coach Mike Price, mindful of the dalliance that got him fired from Alabama before he coached his first game, will ensure he does not take a stripper back to his hotel room. Either that, or he'll ensure that he won't leave his credit card lying around so the stripper can order one of everything from room service ... to go.

PICK: UTEP
CONFIDENCE: 4

MASTERCARD ALAMO BOWL
Ohio State (7-4) vs. Oklahoma State (7-4), Dec. 29, San Antonio

OK, that whole "Priceless" campaign has gone way beyond annoying, but you've got to admit, that MasterCard ad with Peyton Manning chanting "Cut that meat! Cut that meat!" to a butcher is pretty funny.

PICK: Ohio State
CONFIDENCE: 3

CONTINENTAL TIRE BOWL
Boston College (8-3) vs. North Carolina (6-5), Dec. 30, Charlotte, N.C.

It's too bad Syracuse isn't playing North Carolina here. Both teams had coaches who early in the year looked sure to be fired, but who then rallied to save their jobs. This game could have been the "OK, You're Really Fired This Time" Bowl.

PICK: Boston College
CONFIDENCE: 24

EMERALD BOWL
Navy (9-2) vs. New Mexico (7-4), Dec. 30, San Francisco

For having the best record among the service academies, Navy is set to receive the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy during an upcoming ceremony with President Bush. Navy hopes the ceremony will go better than last year's. When Bush was about to hand over the trophy, someone from Army intercepted it, then melted it down for scrap to be used for Humvee armor.

PICK: Navy
CONFIDENCE: 22

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
Texas Tech (7-4) vs. California (10-1), Dec. 30, San Diego

It's considered a great injustice that California, whose only blemish is a narrow loss to top-ranked USC, is not playing in a major BCS bowl — so great, Rosa Parks put out a statement expressing her outrage.

PICK: California
CONFIDENCE: 25

SILICON VALLEY CLASSIC
Northern Illinois (8-3) vs. Troy (7-4), Dec. 30, San Jose, Calif.

There's an old show-biz adage that if there's more people on stage than in the crowd, you should cancel the show. With two no-name teams playing far, far away from what little fan base they have, we will find out whether a game with more people on the field than in the crowd gets canceled.

PICK: Northern Illinois
CONFIDENCE: 2

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Alabama (6-5) vs. Minnesota (6-5), Dec. 31, Nashville, Tenn.

Every year, there's a requisite game between two teams from major conferences that has no buzz, one that features teams you're surprised to see because you didn't think they won enough games to be bowl-eligible. This year, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl is that game.

PICK: Minnesota
CONFIDENCE: 16

VITALIS SUN BOWL
Arizona State (8-3) vs. Purdue (7-4), Dec. 31, El Paso, Texas

Here's how to play the Vitalis Sun Bowl drinking game: Whenever there's a handoff, drink. With the No. 4 and 5 passing offenses involved, it's likely by game's end you won't be drunk. Unless you were drunk to begin with, in which case by game's end you'll be sobered up.

PICK: Purdue
CONFIDENCE: 11

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Louisville (10-1) vs. Boise State (11-0), Dec. 31, Memphis, Tenn.

The average score of a game involving Louisville or Boise State is something like 56-47. So no matter what, bet the over.

PICK: Louisville
CONFIDENCE: 1

CHICK-FIL-A PEACH BOWL
Miami (Fla.) (8-3) vs. Florida (7-4), Dec. 31, Atlanta

The hardest part of watching this game is trying not to envision the nasty culinary combination of chicken nuggets and peaches.

PICK: Miami
CONFIDENCE: 17

OUTBACK BOWL
Georgia (9-2) vs. Wisconsin (9-2), Jan. 1, Tampa

This used to be called the Hall of Fame Bowl, even though there was no Hall of Fame in Tampa. Now it is called the Outback Bowl, even though the Outback is thousands of miles away. Will this bowl ever have a location-appropriate name? Between this and Idaho in the Sun Belt Conference, no wonder American children stink at geography.

PICK: Georgia
CONFIDENCE: 23

SBC COTTON BOWL
Texas A&M (7-4) vs. Tennessee (9-3), Jan. 1, Dallas

Tennessee's fight song, "Rocky Top," is easily the most annoying in college sports. Most learn to hate it when Tennessee is thumping their team and playing "Rocky Top" after every score. Personally, I learned to hate "Rocky Top" when I ran the 2000 Indy Mini-Marathon, and someone at about the 9-mile mark had a huge amp blasting "Rocky Top" over and over and over again. Had it been, say, the 5-mile mark, I might have had the energy to outrun it, but not at 9 miles. I heard it about 45 times, my will slowly breaking with each "GOOOODDDD OLLLLLLLL' ROCKY TOP! ROCKY TOP, TENNNNNESSSEEEEE!!!!!!"

PICK: Texas A&M
CONFIDENCE: 12

TOYOTA GATOR BOWL
West Virginia (8-3) vs. Florida State (8-3), Jan. 1, Jacksonville, Fla.

Bobby Bowden has had a long and successful career at Florida State since he arrived in 1976. But how many remember how he got the job? Before the 1973 off-season, one of his predecessors, Larry Jones, put his players through a drill in which they had to wrestle each other on a mat that had chicken wire spread over it, five feet above the floor. The program, designed by Jones and assistant coach Bill Parcells, was supposed to build toughness. It worked so well, 28 players quit, the team went 0-11. As a result, Florida State got put on probation for conducting illegal off-season practices and Jones got fired. His successor, Darrell Mudra, couldn't clean up the muck, and that's how Bowden got the job. As for Parcells, being associated with such a debacle must have put quite a crimp in his coaching career.

PICK: Florida State
CONFIDENCE: 26

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Iowa (9-2) vs. Louisiana State University (9-2), Jan. 1, Orlando, Fla.

Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz has developed a reputation for creating great offensive linemen. What's his secret? Steroids? No, ethanol.

PICK: Iowa
CONFIDENCE: 10

ROSE BOWL
Michigan (9-2) vs. Texas (10-1), Jan. 1, Pasadena, Calif.

Every sport has certain announcers at certain events that make you giddy with anticipation; they automatically signal that something extremely important must be happening. Marv Albert at an NBA game. Vin Scully at a Major League Baseball game. And Keith Jackson at the Rose Bowl, right about the time he first utters the phrase, "Granddaddy of them all." I can't wait!

PICK: Texas
CONFIDENCE: 15

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Utah (11-0) vs. Pittsburgh (8-3), Jan. 1, Tempe, Ariz.

Utah is a watershed team because it's the first from a non-BCS conference (Big Ten, Big 12, Big East, SEC, Pac-10 and Notre Dame, which is sort of its own conference) to get invited to a BCS bowl. But as we established earlier, the Mid-American Conference is taking over the reins as non-BCS powerhouse, so Utah better enjoy its run while it can. Another game note: If Pittsburgh wins, quarterback Tyler Palko will be on five-second delay, what with the F-bomb he dropped on NBC after the Panthers' victory over Notre Dame.

PICK: Utah
CONFIDENCE: 9

NOKIA SUGAR BOWL
Auburn (12-0) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2), Jan. 3, New Orleans

Last year at this time, Auburn was threatening its own accreditation by having trustees and higher-ups sneak away to interview potential head coaches when the actual coach, Tommy Tuberville, hadn't yet been fired. Tuberville stayed, Auburn went undefeated and no one is jumping on a plane and threatening the school's accreditation. Who says a powerhouse football team is bad for education?

PICK: Auburn
CONFIDENCE: 28

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
USC (12-0) vs. Oklahoma (12-0), Jan. 4, Miami

Quarterbacks Matt Leinart of No. 1 USC and Jason White of No. 2 Oklahoma have two things in common. They are Heisman Trophy winners. And they have absolutely no shot of being successful in the NFL. If you don't believe me, ask Heisman winners Eric Crouch, Chris Weinke, Danny Wuerffel, Gino Toretta, Andre Ware...

PICK: USC
CONFIDENCE: 27

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.