Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Look out, Donald Trump. In a recent speech, NCAA president Myles Brand referred to big-time college sports as "the original reality TV." Forget "Fear Factor" — colleges way back in the day sent football players onto the field to certain death!

Of course, Brand wasn't boasting, and not because it ain't braggin' if it's true. The "original reality TV" comment referred to the televised money machine that fuels ever-greater spending by athletic departments seeking the best facilities and best coaches to attract the best players. Brand said the NCAA is going to do what it can to restore "fiscal responsibility" to member athletic departments.

With no apparent sense of irony, Brand made these remarks Nov. 4 at the NCAA's Indianapolis headquarters, built after the city won a contest in which the organization invited any and all locales to whore themselves out to foot the bill for the organization's shiny new building. It cost Indy $50 million to get its rose from the bachelor known as the NCAA.

As you may have gathered, the NCAA is not only the original reality TV, it's also pretty good at it — especially in the past week. That was the NCAA's sweeps-month smash, a premiere week of gripping reality TV that would put Mark Burnett to shame. Here was the lineup:

Survivor: Bowl Championship Series

Six major conferences willingly strand themselves on an island with a buried treasure, which they fight amongst themselves to split up. Despite their bickering with each other, the six always maintain an alliance to outwit, outplay and outlast the evil mid-major pirates from Utah and Boise State, who threaten to storm the island for a share of the booty.

Extreme Makeover: Maurice Clarett Edition

Host Ty Pennington comes to Youngstown, Ohio, to help the former Ohio State running back renovate an image and pocketbook tattered by a failure to be allowed into the NFL draft. Pennington takes one look at Clarett and decides a mere rebuilding won't do — a demolition is in order. So he and Clarett start with the Ohio State athletic department.

(Program note: Negotiations are under way with several Columbus, Ohio-area car dealers/athletic boosters to star in the next cycle of "The Benefactor.")

Cops: On Campus

The latest episode follows the Michigan State police, hot on the trail of someone believed to be possessing dangerous chemical compounds. Could it be an on-campus meth lab? Watch the shock and awe as campus cops discover two wide receivers building bombs instead of catching them.

Really Small Cribs

MTV heads to the University of Memphis to check out the apartment of four Memphis basketball players, with the promise of seeing some fine, fine threads. The players open up the closet door and, Ray Lewis-style, declare, "These is my minks."

But there's nothing there! The players are befuddled — they say someone must have stolen the minks. Then they say the minks were fakes. But there's always those tens of thousands of dollars worth of shoes, pants and shirts. Wait, they're all gone, too!

Part II of this episode will be shown on "Cops: On Campus," which also will feature Memphis basketball coach John Calipari explaining how Pell Grant money can finance the purchase of $4,000 in custom-tailored shirts.

The Apprentice: Penn State

Nittany Lions football coach Joe Paterno hosts a competition to see who will replace him after 38 years, the last few in steep decline. Paterno puts 20 hopefuls through such tests as drawing up offensive formations, selling lemonade in the stands and wearing Paterno's coke-bottle glasses for a day. When Paterno has fired everyone but the last contestant, the old coach offers his congratulations, but decides that he's going to keep coaching anyway, so that guy gets fired, too.

Pimp My Knee Ligament

The long-running series, co-hosted by Xzibit and "Good Morning America" health contributor Dr. Timothy Johnson, brings women's basketball players with hoopties for knees to the body shop to get fitted for the ultimate cruisin' machine.

The NCAA certainly will premiere other fascinating reality series for the 2004-05 season, having a lock on that market when it comes to sports. At least until the NBA teams up with VH1 for "Behind the Music: Ron Artest."

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.