Flak Magazine: Kick Out the Sports! 09.20.04

On Sept. 26, a sellout crowd will be in place to view the Indianapolis Colts host the Green Bay Packers. Technically, nearly every person in the crowd also saw the Colts host Buffalo in a preseason game a few weeks earlier.

How is that possible? It's because the Colts, in a shameless bid to get people to pay full price to see half-assed football, required that anyone buying a ticket to see the Packers in a game that counts must also buy the same-priced ticket to see the Bills in a game that doesn't. Shameless, but effective. Instead of its usual reported preseason attendance of about 28,000 fans, the Bills game drew an announced sellout of more than 56,000. Figuring there are 43,000 season-ticket holders who already have to buy all the exhibition games, and 13,000 more fans who paid probably about $50 a ticket, that's at least an extra $650,000 in revenue extorted! Hey, when you're paying your star quarterback a $34 million signing bonus, you need to find cash where you can.

This appears to be another case of a sports franchise finding ever more nefarious ways of lifting your wallet, but you've got to have at least a grudging admiration for what the Colts are doing. They not only lifted their own boat, they've found a formula to lift the stagnant US economy — create more spending by forcing people to buy something they don't want to get something they do.

To be sure, the sports world has used this model for years, although with a bit less of a heavy hand than the Colts. For example, if you want prime seats at a big football or basketball university, you have to – ahem — "give to the booster club," which at least is tax-deductible. For years, NBA teams grew rich selling 10- to 20-game season packages that included appearances by sure-shot sellouts Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. Fans were told this was the best way to guarantee a seat for the one game they wanted, and suddenly one or two sellouts turned into 10 to 20.

At this point, most sports columnists would rail about the injustices against Joe Fan over the years. I'd do that except 1) sports fans fall for this stuff every time, and 2) I am one of them. While living in Cleveland in 1996, I bought a 17-game package to the pre-LeBron James 80-points-per-game Cavaliers — a team with which I have never had and never will have any emotional attachment — because seeing Jordan was part of the deal.

And did I learn my lesson? Of course not! This year, I had an interest in seeing the NASCAR race at the Chicagoland Speedway in Joliet, Ill. To buy tickets to the NASCAR race, you also had to buy tickets to three other races: the Busch Series, a minor-league NASCAR; ARCA, an even more minor-league NASCAR; and the Indy Racing League. Unlike many of the NASCAR fans, I at least wanted to see the Indy Racing League, too, so the combined NASCAR and IRL price of $250 for two seats didn't seem so bad. What did seem so bad was paying $150 for two minor-league NASCAR races I didn't want and didn't have a hope of pawning off on somebody for face value.

I'm sure that next year, the Chicagoland Speedway will have the same plan in place. Despite my distaste, I am also sure I will send off my check like a good little sports fan. So much for outrage.

That's why I figure that the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicagoland Speedway, and others who share such naked greed, have exposed how we can keep the economy motoring, perhaps giving a boost to the anemic job market. The Colts' model in particular is very effective. There's something you really want to buy? Then buy something you don't want — for the same price!

All indications are that the summer concert season was a bust. Well, Lollapalooza might never have been canceled if fans who bought Bruce Springsteen tickets also had to buy an equal number for the rock festival — same price! How about lifting up some struggling authors? Buy yourself a hot-selling book such as "The South Beach Diet," then pick out something from the remaindered pile — same price!

The auto industry can always use a boost. Buy a big Ford F Series truck, and take some beater off the used-car lot — same price! Let's revive our cities. Buy yourself a McMansion deep in the suburbs, you also have to buy some dilapidated hovel in a crime-ridden, inner-city neighborhood — same price!

Some may say that such a plan could actually inhibit the economy by causing people to stop buying stuff. But there are a lot of sports fans in this country. If they've taught us anything, it's that when you've got something they want, they'll give you anything, no matter how ridiculous, for it.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.