Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

CBS is putting together a sitcom based on the life of college basketball coach Bob Knight. Knight is cooperating, so maybe I should send this script his way to see if he approves. As they say at the end of any sitcom, any resemblance between the characters and any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

THE BOB KNIGHT SHOW

Characters, in order of appearance:

BOB KNIGHT, basketball coach at a fictional Texas university; KAREN KNIGHT, his extremely understanding wife; KENT HARVEY, the college-aged boy next door; DAVID SMITH, chancellor at a fictional Texas university; RUPERT JEE, deli owner; GERALD MYERS, athletic director at a fictional Texas university and friend of BOB KNIGHT; CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD of a fictitious Texas university; MYLES BRAND, NCAA president and Knight's former boss at a fictional Indiana university.

SCENE ONE

(Fade in to exterior shot of BOB KNIGHT's house. We go inside and see BOB reading the newspaper at the kitchen table while his wife KAREN is making breakfast.)

BOB: Why the hell do I even bother to read the newspaper? All of us learn to write in second grade, and most of us went on to better things!

KAREN (Grabbing BOB's cheeks): Oh, snoogum-woogums, why the long face?

BOB: Dammit, Karen, I told the chancellor I'd have lunch with him at the salad bar today.

KAREN (Takes away BOB's eggs): Well, if you're having the chancellor for lunch, you'd better not fill up at breakfast!

BOB (Growling): No, not having him for lunch, having lunch with him! Why the hell did I agree to that?

KAREN: Maybe he wants to talk about your wonderful coaching. (Under her breath) And your raging temper.

BOB (Glaring and very angry): KAREN, ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A TEMPER????

KAREN: Well, Bob, why do you think every chair in this house is nailed down? (BOB tries to shove his chair away to stand up and confront KAREN. He then hits his knees on the table.)

BOB: OWWWW, DAMMIT!

KAREN: Oh, Bob!

(The doorbell rings)

BOB (Gets up gingerly, answers the back door, sees KENT HARVEY): What the hell do you want?

KENT HARVEY: Hey, Knight, what's up?

BOB (Grabs KENT'S neck and throws him into the door jamb): Damn kids today! (Stomps off.)

KENT: Hey, Mrs. Knight, what's up with him?

KAREN (With a dismissive wave): Oh, you know him. The same ol' same ol'.

KENT: Maybe...(He tries to pull out a kitchen chair, which doesn't move.) Maybe he's still ticked that I mowed down his rhododendrons.

KAREN: No, today he's edgy because he has to meet the chancellor.

KENT: You know, I wish there was something I could do to make your husband like me.

KAREN: Hey, he likes you! Even if you do mow down his flowers!

KENT (Rubbing the part of his head that hit the door jamb): Well, he sure has a funny way of showing it. Why is he always so angry? How can you take it?

KAREN: Kent, there's a lot of things about Coach you don't know. About how he's a man of loyalty and conviction, a man who'll do right by you if you do right by him. He's smart, funny and dedicated to doing what's best. Plus, the sex is incredible!

SCENE TWO

(Fade in with exterior shot of Rupert Jee's Hello Lubbock Deli. We enter to see BOB and DAVID SMITH on opposite sides of a salad bar.)

DAVID: Coach, I'm very happy you agreed to have lunch with me today.

BOB (In sarcastic voice): Chancellor, I would rather have my ass stuck full of fly-fishing lures than be here today.

DAVID: Ah, coach, such Voltairean wit!

BOB: Ah, chancellor, such warthogian breath!

DAVID: Anyway, coach, I just wanted to say that, well, I know the team's had a rough go of it lately, and most of us only hear the negatives, so it is important that sometimes someone remembers to express the positives.

BOB: (Turning red, starting to growl) I always handle things well, and have always handled things well.

DAVID (Oblivious to Knight walking up behind him): I mean, the Texas student section really got on you hard the other night, and you didn't lose your temper one bit.

BOB (Behind DAVID): ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A TEMPER????

DAVID (Jumpy, turning around): What?

BOB (Poking his finger into DAVID's chest, backing him up): LISTEN, BUDDY! I AM THE MOST EVEN-KEELED GUY YOU WILL EVER KNOW, AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

(DAVID stumbles over a chair and falls to the floor)

DAVID: You see that, everyone! He pushed me! He pushed me! (Gets up) You haven't heard the last of this, Coach Knight! (Sees Knight's clenched fists.) Yipe! (He runs out.)

BOB: AARRRGHH! (He kicks a chair. It doesn't move) WHO NAILED DOWN THIS DAMNED CHAIR!

RUPERT (Coming by to wipe a table): Sorry, coach. I had to nail 'em down on account of kids stealin' 'em.

SCENE THREE

(Fade in with exterior shot of the basketball arena. We then go inside to GERALD MYERS' office. He is pacing like an expectant father. BOB is sitting in an easy chair.)

GERALD: Ooooo, not good, not good.

BOB: You know what I like about your office, Jerry? (Rocks in his chair) The chairs move!

GERALD: Quit kidding, Coach! This is serious!

BOB: Quit crying like a girl, Jerry, or I'll have to put another tampon in your desk drawer.

GERALD: Coach, the board is meeting tomorrow to decide what to do about you after you pushed the chancellor!

BOB: HE FELL, DAMMIT!

GERALD: Please, temper.

BOB: ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A TEMPER?

GERALD (Wincing): No, no, no, no...The point is, how are we going to handle this?

BOB: The first step is, get rid of the media outside. (He opens door to GERALD'S office. We see BOB's face peek out.) To the members of the media, here is my official statement — go screw yourself! (He shuts the door.)

GERALD (Talking more to himself): First, the board is going to go after you...and, then, after me! (Makes throat-slash gesture). I'm dead. Dead! Aaaaahhhh!!!

(BOB gets up, produces a tampon from his pocket, and puts it in GERALD's desk drawer.)

BOB: Don't sweat it, Jerry. I'll write another check for the library, and we're back to normal.

GERALD (Even more panicky): That may have worked back in Indiana, but not here! The board, these are hard-core Texans! It's all about power! And who's got the biggest hat!

BOB: Excuse me?

GERALD: Look, coach, the chancellor said to me, "Jerry, I don't think coach respects my power as chancellor, and frankly, I don't think he respects your power as athletic director." (Gets on his knees in front of BOB) Coach, do you respect my power?

BOB: Of course, Jerry. Now shut up and get me some coffee before I put another tampon in your drawer.

SCENE FOUR

(Fade in exterior shot of Knights' house. We go inside to see Mrs. Knight washing the dishes as KENT comes in the back door.)

KENT: Lawn's done, Mrs. K.

KAREN (Distracted): Oh, thanks, Kent.

KENT: Hey, Mrs. K, what's up? You're still not mad about me mowing down the azaleas are you? Look, I'm sorry...

KAREN: No, it's not that. Oh, nothing important.

KENT (Struggling to get into nailed-down kitchen chair): Is it Coach?

KAREN: Well...yes. The board is meeting tomorrow to talk about some run-in he had with the chancellor.

KENT: I heard about that. Coach kicked his ass!

KAREN: Well, regardless, I'm really worried about him. I hope he hasn't really messed things up again this time.

KENT: I know! (Leaps to get up, bangs his knees on the table). OWWW!!! I mean, maybe I can help!

KAREN: By what? Mowing down the chancellor's lilies?

KENT: I bet there's something I could do — there's got to be. Coach can't go out like this! And maybe Coach will finally show he likes me.

KAREN (Shakes hands with Kent): OK, Kent. But I still get the incredible sex!

KENT (Walks out the door; we now see him on the Knights' back porch as he takes out a cellphone): Hello, NCAA? I'm looking for the office of President Myles Brand, please!

SCENE FIVE

(Fade in exterior shot of campus building. We then go inside the boardroom, as we see workers nailing chairs to the floor. BOB and DAVID are each sitting behind small tables, as in a courtroom. The room is full of people. We see a wide shot of the fictional Texas university's board. They're all wearing enormous cowboy hats.)

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD (Banging gavel): OK, ever'body, this meetin' will come to order. I'm yer board chair, on account o' I got the biggest hat! Now this is a-gonna be a trial-like thing. Mr. Smith, you can speak first. Mr. Knight, you can respond. We'll follow up with some questions, then we'll decide what ta do wit' ya. Mr. Smith, are you ready?

DAVID: Yes sir.

CHAIRMAN: Coach Knight, are you ready?

BOB: If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.

(Shot of GERALD rolling his eyes and folding his hands in prayer)

SCENE SIX

(We're outside the board room, hearing the meeting in progress. KENT is sitting on a bench, with a large shopping bag next to him. KAREN walks out.)

KENT: Hey, Mrs. K, what's up?

KAREN: Where's your help? The board is about to decide whether to fire my husband!

KENT (Hears footsteps approaching): I think it just got here.

MYLES BRAND: Hello, you must be the young man on the phone who told me he saw a graduate assistant coach give a football player 65 cents for the vending machine. When I heard the news, I took the first plane from Indianapolis to Lubbock, which let me tell you is not easy — not a lot of direct flights, you know! (Rubs his hands) So, where's the perpetrator of these foul deeds, so he may be brought to swift and efficient NCAA justice!

KAREN: Um, Mr. Brand, can you excuse us for a moment? (Pulls KENT aside, whispers) Are you crazy? That's the guy who fired Coach Knight the first time!

KENT: I know, I know.

KAREN: We filed lawsuits about that!

KENT: I know, I know.

KAREN: And he thinks he's here to bust some college student!

KENT: I know, I know.

KAREN: Do you realize you've responded to everything I've said by saying, "I know, I know"?

KENT: I know, I know.

KAREN: Now we're doomed!

KENT: Trust me, Mrs. Knight — if I can get Myles Brand in there to talk up your husband, there's no way the board could let him go! Who's a better character witness than your old enemy! Plus, he'll be wearing this. (Pulls an enormous cowboy hat out of the bag) I've got a hunch this will work.

KAREN (Rolling her eyes): I've got a hunch we'll be selling our house.

KENT (Back to MYLES BRAND): Umm, Mr. Brand, I have a confession to make. There's no graduate assistant giving out vending money.

MYLES: Well, certainly there must be something...(Points to Karen) wait, I recognize you. You're Bob Knight's wife! Is Bob Knight here? (In the adjacent room, we hear BOB yelling, "ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A TEMPER?") My god, he is here! What's going on?

KENT: Look, Mr. Brand, I didn't want to lie, but it's the only way I could get you. Coach Knight needs your help.

MYLES: Young man, must I remind you I fired this man for the type of conduct he's exhibiting in the adjacent chamber?

KENT: I know, but you know, at heart, he's a decent human being.

MYLES: Well, I never...

KENT: Mr. Brand, there's a lot of things about Coach you don't know. About how he's a man of loyalty and conviction, a man who'll do right by you if you do right by him. He's smart, funny and dedicated to doing what's best. Plus, the sex is incredible!

MYLES: Excuse me?

KENT: Look, Mr. Brand, I know you didn't like how things went down before. This is your chance to set things right with Coach Knight!

MYLES: Well, perhaps you're right, young man. I'll go in there and say a few words on behalf of the old coach! (Leans over to KENT and talks out of the side of his mouth) By the way, while I'm in there, you will let me know if, uh, there's any vending-machine scofflaws about?

KENT: Sure thing, Mr. Brand! (MYLES starts to walk to door) Oh, Mr. Brand? One more thing. You'll need to wear this. (Pulls enormous cowboy hat out of the bag)

SCENE SEVEN

(We're back in the board chambers. MYLES, KENT and KAREN are sneaking in the back. People are sitting back down.)

CHAIRMAN (Banging gavel): Quiet, please, ever'body. Respect the big hat! Awright, this board has come to a decision regardin' the future of Coach Knight. Coach Knight, I regret to inform you that, because of your temper, lack of respect for authority, and failure to wear a big hat, you will be relieved of your duties immediately.

BOB (Stands up, banging his knees on the table): ARE YOU SAYING—-OWWWW!!!!

(Lots of hubbub in the room. GERALD is making a throat-slashing gesture to himself.)

MYLES: Excuse me, but if it's not too late, may I address the board?

BOARD CHAIR: Well, it seems to me, the decision is done, sir.

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