Flak Magazine: Kick Out the Sports! 08.02.04

ESPN, America's dominant sports TV network, is turning 25. You probably know that if you've tuned in to ESPN recently to view specials on the post-1979 sports world, such as "ESPN25: The 25 Best Coaches," "ESPN25: The 25 Most Outrageous Characters" or, we can only wish, "ESPN25: The 25 Most Huggy Bear-Inspired Suits Worn at the NBA Draft."

You would think hardcore sports fans would raise a Fenway Frank and spray each other with champagne to celebrate. Especially those who remember the pre-ESPN days when you had to be a sports camel, soaking up all of "Monday Night Football" before you crossed the Sahara to the resumption of televised sports on Saturday.

Instead, many hardcore sports fans claim the constant drip of ESPN's programming is a modern Chinese Water Torture, like the sportswriter in San Jose who says he's boycotting the network. These disaffected fans complain ESPN has built itself up promoting image over substance, subtly encouraging players to make unnecessarily spectacular-looking plays or preen for the camera to get themselves on "SportsCenter," ESPN's signature highlight show. Speaking of "SportsCenter," hardcore fans also complain about that show's drift toward having a commercial sponsor for everything short of the anchors' insipid catchphrases.

Also, the hardcore sports fan wonders why ESPN abandons its generally copious straight coverage of real sports to dabble in movies, soap operas, game shows and sub-local-TV-level morning talk shows. And don't get them started on televised poker.

In these complaints, the hardcore sports fan sounds like a bitter thirtysomething who's still in shock that MTV's programming isn't wall-to-wall music videos.

Of course, the reason for all this change is that every piece of entertainment wants to find a way to attract the casual fan, especially those who are young, dumb and rich. But sports makes its hardcore fan put up with more junk than anyone else in pursuit of that goal. And why not? The hardcore sports fan will bend over for anything. The music fan disaffected with MTV will shut it off, just like a sitcom fan disaffected with a lousy sitcom will turn that off and just like a woman-in-peril movie fan disaffected with the offerings on Lifetime will turn that off. They have some pride. But a sports fan disaffected with ESPN, the sportswriter in San Jose excepted, will not turn off the network.

Hardcore fans already have proved they'll pay a huge licensing fee just for the right to buy a season ticket; they'll sit through loud, lame music; dot races; sausage races; guys dressed in blow-up sumo suits wrestling each other; the Jackson Five Puppets; and every other circus act surrounding the game. They'll shell out $15 to park and $7 for a beer. They'll spend an hour on hold on sports talk radio for the right to complain about the bad breath of their favorite team's backup running back. Only Oprah fans show this much blind, cultish love.

With the hardcore sports fan wrapped around its nubby corporate finger, ESPN can do just about anything it wants, especially because it's fended off any competition over the years. Don't even bring up Fox Sports Net — its recent bid to compete has devolved into repeated showings of the biggest case of false advertising ever, "The Best Damn Sports Show Period." Even if a hardcore sports fan would try to switch to another sport, like lacrosse or frog jumping, ESPN would probably get its hands on it eventually and turn it into a slam-bang presentation featuring Stuart Scott and Kid Rock.

That's why the hardcore fan's only hope to shake up ESPN is the casual fan — namely, the casual fan's money.

In particular, cable systems are getting more aggressive in fighting ESPN for the network's high carriage fees — the money a network charges a cable system to intercept its satellite signal. Cox Communications, for example, threatened to drop all ESPN networks after ESPN proposed annual increases of up to 20 percent in carriage fees. In February, Cox announced it would keep the ESPN networks after negotiating that increase down to 7 percent. Like the current backlash against using taxpayer money to finance sports stadiums, a casual fan backlash over ESPN becoming an enormous amount of the cable bill can, perhaps, keep the network honest.

Then again, the reason those carriage fees are going up so much is the billions of Disney money ESPN spent to deliver Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA and college sports to the hardcore sports fan. And ESPN has proved that, in most cases, it covers those events very well. So congratulations, hardcore sports fan — you get screwed either way!

So put on those party hats, hardcore sports fan, and wish ESPN a happy 25th birthday. The only quarter-century crisis going on is your own.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.