Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

When Rush Limbaugh stepped down from ESPN's pre-game football show after saying Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb was an overrated creation of a media that wanted a black quarterback to succeed, his fans — and el Rushbo himself — wondered how he could be so assailed when others have said much more racist things.

The Dittoheads might have been even more mystified last week, when there was little reaction to Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells' characterization of sneaky plays as "Jap" plays, and Larry Bird's contention that the NBA could use a few white superstars, and that in his playing days Bird felt insulted when a white guy guarded his white self. The Dittoheads would contend that if Limbaugh said that, he'd be roasted.

Well, they're right. As Limbaugh and his fans still can't figure out, whether a statement that can be construed as racist, sexist or homophobic — or to what degree it's construed that way — isn't, shall we say, a black-and-white issue. A person's past statements and conduct can have a bearing on how people react. Larry Bird isn't known as a racist, while Limbaugh...let's say he's certainly not known for his cultural sensitivity.

Like a tornado, we really don't know the damage a particular comment can do until it's gone. That's why I've adapted the Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity to determine the force of the vast number of sports figures' lame-brained statements regarding race and, in more recent years, homosexuality. An F5 is a tornado, or a statement that has the highest impact; an F1 stirs things up a little bit but leaves little residual damage.

F5 — Incredible tornado

Damage: Results in massive media coverage, loss of job for speaker, great soul-searching inside and outside of sport, mentions in the first paragraph of the speaker's obituary. Occurs at high-profile events or TV coverage. Permanently destroys reputation of speaker, apology or not.

Known F5s: Howard Cosell, in what suddenly became his last "Monday Night Football" broadcast, describing the progress of a black receiver by yelling "Look at that little monkey go!"; Jimmy the Greek and his drunken anthropological discussion of the superiority of the black athlete; Al Campanis telling Ted Koppel — on the 40th anniversary of Robinson's first game, no less — that blacks "don't have the necessities" to be managers and aren't "buoyant"; CBS announcer Ben Wright giving his masterful analysis to a reporter about how lesbians are ruining women's golf and how boobs prevent women from playing decent golf anyway.

F4 — Devastating tornado

Damage: May or may not result in loss of job, but reputation is ruined. Apologies are ineffective. Results in massive media coverage, but not necessarily soul-searching, because it's obvious the speaker is an idiot.

Known F4s: Limbaugh; John Rocker and his census of who rides the No. 7 train in Queens; Fuzzy Zoeller delivering a message, on behalf of all white players shaken up by the arrival of a Cablanasian golfer, telling Tiger Woods to keep fried chicken and collard greens off the Masters dinner menu; Dan Issel torpedoing his NBA coaching career by telling a heckling fan, to "go drink another beer, you Mexican motherfucker"; Rick Barry torpedoing his NBA on CBS announcing career by complimenting NBA legend and broadcast partner Bill Russell on his "watermelon smile."

F3 — Severe tornado

Damage: Often has similar damage to an F4, except that the speaker is already tattered, making the actual loss minimal.

Known F3s: Jan Stephenson saying inscrutable Asians are ruining women's golf, which by the way needs someone to flash some hot tail like she did back in the day; Paul Hornung begging his alma mater to recruit dumber, blacker football players; Jeremy Shockey and his gay-bashing; Garrison Hearst and his gay-bashing; Todd Jones with even more gay-bashing; John Calipari calling a New Jersey Nets beat reporter a "Mexican idiot."

F2 — Significant tornado

Damage: Some hit to speaker's reputation. Apologies, disingenuous or not, generally accepted.

Known F2s: Isiah Thomas, saying Bird would be "just another player" if he were black; David Halberstam — the Miami Heat radio announcer, not the Pulitzer Prize-winning author — surmising that the slaves on Thomas Jefferson's farm would have made great basketball playersJunior Seau, advising his Miami Dolphins teammates that "fried chicken and watermelon" were the best way to stop running back and ex-San Diego Charger teammate LaDanian Tomlinson; Seau again, joking that loving his teammates doesn't make him a "faggot."

F1 — Moderate tornado

Damage: Very little. Some sports columnists or activist groups demand apology or sanction, which is generally not forthcoming. Speaker's good graces with media and fans deflect most damage.

Known F1s: Bird; Parcells; Dusty Baker, explaining in Jimmy the Greek-like terms how he and his black and brown Chicago Cubs can take day games better than his white players; Shaquille O'Neal, for his heartfelt, touching and welcoming message to new Chinese arrival Yao Ming: "Chong-yang-wah-ah-soh."

Why do we care so much when sports figures talk about this stuff? Sports play a bigger part than we care to admit in society's acceptance of previously unaccepted classes. Jackie Robinson's integration of baseball happened a year before the US armed forces integrated, and seven years before the U.S. Supreme Court struck down school desegregation. There are widespread feelings that if a popular male athlete in a team sport said he was gay, that would be a watershed moment for the acceptance of homosexuality.

Until then, we will have the Fujita scale to rate how firmly a particular sports person has planted his or her foot in his or her mouth.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.