Flak Magazine: Kick Out the Sports! 12.15.03

It would seem that watching people play cards is one of the most boring activities ever, unless you count staring over somebody's shoulder while he or she plays solitaire. And yet, watching people play poker is hot, hot, scorching hot on basic cable.

What makes poker on TV so hot? Maybe its appeal is like that of golf, another boring TV sport. People play it, so they feel compelled to watch it when it's on, especially when pros are involved. Plus, poker fits into two longstanding cable TV patterns: ESPN attempting to hype a sport to the level of its successful X Games and basic cable's lusting for a breakout reality show that can be used to anchor a heretofore unknown network, like how TLC is basically 24 hours of "Trading Spaces," whether or not a show actually carries that title.

ESPN put its chips on the "World Series of Poker," which, despite the name, has nothing to do with Pete Rose. Instead, the long-running tournament features tense, sweaty schmoes playing cards and wearing sunglasses to hide their poker faces. The tourney is supposed to decide the world's best poker player. One way ESPN gets people to watch is to hype the event in the same ways it builds up stuff like lumberjack championships: You've wielded a chainsaw, but these are the best chainsaw wielders, man!

Overexcited ESPN poker commentator Norman Chad, whose day job is amusingly acerbic sports columnist, was doing his part to build up the hype. Although because Chad is the amusingly acerbic sports columnist he is, you're never sure if he's playing it straight or performing a parody of an overexcited ESPN commentator.

ESPN's coverage focused on a player named Johnny Chan, a past champion and cast member of "Rounders." Chad said Johnny Chan's full name every time he referenced Johnny Chan, like when Johnny Chan would grip the orange Johnny Chan is famous for keeping by Johnny Chan's side during Johnny Chan's poker games. If I had played a drinking game based on the speaking of Johnny Chan's name, I would have been on the floor almost as fast as you could say "Johnny Chan."

Anyway, when an unknown with the great gambling name of Chris Moneymaker, who had played only online poker before entering and winning the 2003 World Series, beat Johnny Chan (drink) in an early round, Chad blurted: "This is as big as Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson!" Can you feel the excitement?

At least it makes sense for ESPN to televise poker. ESPN has treated card games as hard-boiled, TV-worthy competition before — sister network ESPN2 even televised the world championships of the geek card came "Magic: The Gathering." I'm breathlessly waiting for ESPN to create and broadcast the World Yu-Gi-Oh Championships.

So what is the Travel Channel doing televising poker? The network's "World Poker Tour" unfortunately does not feature the network's frequent bevy of bikinied babes set among appropriately themed backdrops, which in the case of this show could be places like your friend's basement. Instead, "World Poker Tour," has top players, well, traveling to different locations to compete. It's kind of like a pro golf tour in its setup. It's also one of the Travel Channel's highest-rated shows ever.

In fact, the Travel Channel has a contract to televise a poker game on NBC opposite the Super Bowl halftime show. It's hard to see how that can compete against another alternative to the Super Bowl halftime show, the Lingerie Bowl. But then again, that's on pay-per-view. And really, for most of the targeted audience of men, learning from poker greats is far more practical, if less visually stimulating, than watching scantily clad women play tackle football.

What turns a TV sport into a real sport is when you get celebrities involved, kind of like MTV's "Rock 'n' Jock" events. Bravo's "Celebrity Poker Showdown" doesn't bring the rock, or the jocks, but it's a chance to watch Ben Affleck play poker, just in case you hadn't heard enough about him. The show itself is kind of like the network's talk show "Dinner for Five," which features actors who straddle the line between indie cred and mainstream success. But in "Celebrity Poker Showdown" the actors get a deck of cards and poker chips instead of a meal and some wine.

There's talk that the success of these shows will result in an all-gambling TV network, but amazingly, none of these networks has yet announced a poker spinoff. Still, the possibilities are endless. Bravo would do well to give a poker twist to its other hot show: "Queer Eye for the Inside Straight Guy," anyone? And what about other networks? The History Channel could have people role-play great historical figures to ponder such vexing historical possibilities as what the past 50 years would be like had FDR, Churchill and Stalin played poker at Yalta. Nostalgia network TV Land could employ "Welcome Back Kotter" star and former World Series of Poker participant Gabe Kaplan in some way. Here's a natural buzzmaker for the microscopically rated women's network Oxygen — "Oprah After the Show — Playing Poker."

Maybe all this crossover potential proves there is something inherently exciting about watching poker on TV, even more exciting than watching someone play solitaire. Although I can't tear myself away from solitaire until I tell you that you missed putting the black seven on that red eight.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.