Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Rush Limbaugh was recently hired as a commentator on ESPN's NFL pregame show to provide the "voice of the fan." In a statement, an ESPN executive explained the hiring of the bombastic radio conservative by saying, "We want to give fans a voice, and Rush is the person who can do it." In the same prepared statement, Limbaugh explained his qualifications by saying, "Football is like life and I know life." Limbaugh gets a commentary, as well as three opportunities to offer a counterpoint. The following is what Limbaugh's appearances may sound like, using the King of the Dittoheads' own quotes:

Chris Berman: Hello, we're back on "NFL Countdown." Let's move along to our "Voice of the Fan" segment, and who has a bigger and better voice, myself excluded, than Rush "To Judgment" Limbaugh. So let's see what's on your mind, eh, Rush?

Rush Limbaugh: With half my brain tied behind my back, just to make it fair!

Berman: OK, Rush! So you saw the report Shelley Smith did on…

Limbaugh: Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.

Berman: Well, uh, maybe, but, uh, anyway, she talked about…

Limbaugh: Now I got something for you that's true: 1972, Tufts University, Boston. Three-year study of 5,000 co-eds, and they used a benchmark of a bra size of 34C. They found that the — now wait — it's true. The larger the bra size, the smaller the IQ.

Berman: OK, we'll forget about Shelley Smith. What do think about all the discussion of Los Angeles getting football back?

Limbaugh: The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.

Berman: OK, we'll skip the chit-chat and just get to your commentary. I understand you'll be talking about the implications of the salary cap on NFL parity. Go to it, Rush!

Limbaugh: I once asked a long-haired maggot-infested FM-type environmentalist wacko: "Would you say the owl has evolved to a superior position over the mouse?" He answered, "Oh yeah, man, an owl can fly, he sees at night."

So I have the environmentalist in a corner: "So it is not the responsibility of the mouse to adapt to the potential threat of the owl?" "Oh yeah, man, but that's nature." Well, there you have it, I told him. If the owl can't adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it. If a spotted owl can't adapt, does the earth really need that particular species so much that hardship to human beings is worth enduring in the process of saving it?

Berman: Wow, Rush, what a unique way of putting it! You, sir, are incredible!

Limbaugh: With talent on loan from God.

Steve Young: What is he talking about?

Berman: Hey, whatever gets you through night, as that great philosopher John Lennon once said! When we come back, we go to the NFC Norris when the Bears go to the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field to face the Green Bay Packers.

Later

Chris Mortensen: …and I hear from my sources that the All-Pro feels stuck in Detroit and wants out.

(Buzzer sounds)

Berman: Whoa, I think we hear the tell-tale sound of Rush Limbaugh wanting to weigh in! What do you have to say about Mort's report?

Limbaugh: Being stuck is a position few of us like. We want something new but cannot let go of the old — old ideas, beliefs, habits, even thoughts. We are out of contact with our own genius. Sometimes we know we are stuck; sometimes we don't. In both cases we have to do something.

Berman: Truer words never spoken, Rush!

Even later

Michael Irvin: …when I played for the Cowboys, we liked nothing better than putting it to Washington. And we put it to the Redskins a lot, haw haw!

Berman: Woot! Stop right there, Big Mike, we have Rush buzzing in from Florida! Go ahead, Rush!

Limbaugh: There are more American Indians alive today than there were when Columbus arrived or at any other time in history. Does this sound like a record of genocide?

Irvin: What is this fool talking about? I'm going back to hanging out with Tom Arnold.

Berman: Haw haw! That Rush!

Still later

Tom Jackson: …and the player is particularly proud of his Hispanic heritage.

Berman: Do I hear another buzz?

Limbaugh: Let the unskilled jobs, let the kinds of jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do — let stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work.

Jackson: How can we keep this guy on? He makes no sense, and what is this stuff about Mexicans?

Limbaugh (to Jackson): Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.

Jackson: What sort of racist crap is this? Don't you know I'm black? Don't you know black people watch this show?

Limbaugh: They are 12 percent of the population. Who the hell cares?

Berman: Whoa, there's a man who, uh, knows his demographic! For ESPN NFL Countdown, I'm Chris Berman, saying, I bet Fox doesn't even go this far on its pregame show!

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.