Bears vs. Colts, Behrens vs. Cook

Every day from now until Super Bowl XLI, Flak Magazine will publish an e-mail exchange between Andy Behrens (sports writer and dedicated Bears fan) and Bob Cook (sports writer and diehard Colts fan). Let the (pre)game begin.

Thursday, Feb. 1

FROM: Andy Behrens
TO: Bob Cook

It's funny how we treat player salaries so differently from coaching salaries. If a team signs a player to a multi-year deal that the player outperforms, we all say "Wow, what a great value. What a shrewd general manager we have. Yay, us." But if a coach outperforms his deal — as clearly Lovie Smith has — we all say "Damn, what a cheap ownership group we have. Poor coach."

No one in sports is more universally beloved than an NFL head coach succeeding on the biggest stage for the first time. Lovie Smith really couldn't be in a better position to get paid, and soon. Let's not forget that he's already earning $1.4 million a year. I don't feel especially bad for him, nor do I feel that the Bears have been cheap. Like the rest of the city, I (currently and conditionally) love Lovie Smith. I also (in this specific instance) feel that the Bears have been extremely smart (although I don't expect that feeling to last and it isn't transferable). That's just how sports seems to work.

Anyway, we have Lovie's services for the next two weeks, so tremble in fear of his defensive mastermindedness! Cower in the face of his icy stoicism! Wilt at the thought of his profound loyalty to his oft-maligned quarterback!

You don't really think Chicagoans are checking the rear view mirror to see if Indianapolis is gaining on us, do you? I like to think of places like Kansas City, St. Louis, Des Moines, Toledo, Cedar Rapids and — yes — even li'l Indianapolis, as our bitches, culturally and economically speaking. No sporting event really has the power to change that.

Oh, and one last thing about that odd no-Colts-stuff superstition of yours: Do you have to knowingly wear a piece of Colts gear in order to doom your team? Because I have a Dobby the house elf/Lucius Malfoy sort of ruse in mind that I'd like to recommend to the fervent Bear fans in the Cook household. I'd really like a more complete review of the rules and sub-rules involved in this superstition, please.

The rule is that you cannot knowingly, or unknowingly, don Colts gear. I will be away from home on Super Bowl Sunday, watching the game with Colts fans instead of being surrounded by my wife's intense South Side Bears-loving family. I trust my wife will at least respect that rule and not force the kids to wears Colts clothes as some sort of whammy. Actually, the way my wife and the St. Catherine of Alexandria school are working on my kids, I don't think they would wear Colts gear anyway. Sigh.

As far as Chicago making other Midwest cities your bitches — you know, you sound like an eighth-grader who decides to pick on third-graders. The Chicago Tribune today had an editorial about how, no matter what, Chicago will always be the big city, so there. Even (or especially) people in Indianapolis would never argue their city is "better" than Chicago. Sheesh, with a metro area that is about five times Indianapolis' size, you would hope it's a given that there was more to do in Chicago, unless it was one big refugee shantytown. My impression from the Tribune editorial was not, "Oh, my hometown sucks," but, "Boy, the rationalization for losing to little ol' Indianapolis had already begun."

By the way, Chicago is already smarting from losing to Indianapolis. The Big Ten had Indianapolis and Chicago compete to be the long-term home of the Big Ten men's and women's basketball tourneys, and Indianapolis got them both — and the Big Ten is headquartered in Chicago! Chicago also has been losing conventions not only to the expected likes of Vegas and Orlando, but to the unexpected likes of its bitch Indianapolis. It helps that Indianapolis doesn't make you pay three guys double-scale just to change a light bulb at your booth.

Plus, it's not like Chicago can say Field's is better than any other Midwestern department store. They're all Macy's now.

Again, this is not to say that the Shedd Aquarium or the history of the blues will up and leave Chicago for Indianapolis, although I should add that Indianapolis was a center of blues music BEFORE Chicago. Chicago is a great city, but one thing this matchup highlights is that Indianapolis isn't quite the backward country cousin it used to be, and that Chicago and Indianapolis are getting more in common than they are not. If that makes any sense.

(You might ask, if Indianapolis is so great, why don't you live there? I married a native with a huge Irish family, so we aren't going anywhere. Although I should add I met her in Indianapolis.)

Oh, and on the coolness scale, let's talk owners. The Colts have the guy who plays guitar in his underwear and bought Jack Kerouac's original scroll for "On the Road." The Bears have the woman who is financing the court effort to get Illinois to adopt anti-abortion "Choose Life" license plates. (I will admit, this comparison is like Chicago-Indianapolis — Jim Irsay should be cooler, because he's about 80 years younger than Virginia McCaskey.)