The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

The Super Bowl halftime show briefly flirted with relevance in the first few years of the 21st century (Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Kid Rock, P. Diddy) while occasionally getting a few artists a bit past their prime (U2, No Doubt, Sting, Janet Jackson). Then, as we all know, they made the mistake of letting MTV run the show in 2004 with hilarious results. Janet Jackson was only 37 at the time, so this could have easily been chalked up as a youthful indiscretion. As a result, the folks who put together the Halftime show adopted a new policy: don't trust anyone under 50.

To wit: Paul McCartney was 62 in 2005, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were 62 in 2006, Charlie Watts was 64 and Little Ronny Wood was a sprightly 58. I was convinced they were going to go with Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend in 2007, but they surprised me and went for the popular up-and-comer, the 48 year old artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince. While he didn't show us his... um... little purple corvette, he did appear to be lovingly stroking his rather phallic guitar when silhouetted against a big white sheet. That's what they get for going young.

This year they regained their sanity and went with the 57 year old Tom Petty. However, this choice begs the inevitable question: why didn't they get Bruce Springsteen? Isn't that kind of like getting The Dave Clark Five when you could have gotten the Beatles? Or getting the Goo Goo Dolls when you could have gotten The Replacements? Or getting Salieri when you could have gotten Mozart? Come to think of it, Tom Petty could be the new patron saint of mediocrity.

To start out we have a giant Heart, flashing and throbbing and... OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT SCHLONG! THE GIANT SCHLONG IS HEADED FOR THE GIANT HEART, WHICH IS STARTING TO LOOK A BIT MORE LIKE A GIANT VAGINA... and just as I was starting to get aroused there's Tom Petty. He's a human cold shower.

They're starting out with "American Girl," patriotic yet edgy. I don't think the dude with dreadlocks on the guitar is a real Heartbreaker. Next up is "I Won't Back Down", also very patriotic and even less edgy. Do any of those young folks up front have any idea who Tom Petty is? If they do, shame on them. They will never be cool. Ever.

An now, the inevitable "Free Fallin'." And true to form everyone in the audience is holding up lighters, or rather some sort of glow sticks because cigarette lighters are not allowed on a Super Bowl Halftime Show. We must always think of the children. And right now the children are probably falling asleep. Just in case the audience was falling asleep they're setting off some tiny pyrotechnics over the crowd. Though, they might be pigeons with glow sticks glued on.

Next up is "Running Down a Dream." They've got some big screens behind them for all of the stoners in the audience. I think that's an old version of Pole Position on the screen. And that's it. No "Last Dance for Mary Jane" (I hear Mary Jane is slang for the Marijuana cigarettes). And Tom Petty looks remarkably like Jim Henson. He should have brought Kermit on stage to sing "Free Fallin'."

All in all, with the exception of the aforementioned schlong, it was a pretty dull show. Though it's nice to see the Halftime Show regain it's old familiar irrelevance. Next year: Fleetwood Mac!