The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"Drugs: The Anti-Drug" | Anti-Drug Council

Summary: A Steve Buscemi look-alike stands in front of the minimart, and waves "you" over to talk to "you." He explains that he's a drug dealer, but that now his business, like many others, is shrinking. Why? Because the natural drug market is being supplanted by pharmaceuticals that "your damn kids" steal from "you." Did you feel that, America? That's the truth. The truth, at 24 frames per second.

High Point: When the drug dealer says, "Hey man, are you guys making a... documentary or something?"

Low Point: The other 28 seconds. It is amazing that the same people who looked at Reefer Madness and thought about how completely disconnected from reality it was, might actually have written this tidbit of propaganda to emphasize its gritty realism.

Is this commercial an agent of change? This commercial is an agent of physiological change. Kids, remember: your parents' dependency on Big Pharmaceuticals means hours of free fun for you.

"Sobe Life Water: Mild Mental Retardatiolicious!" | Sobe Life Water

Summary: A non-descript hip hop star walks on to a ledge in a purely white space. She spills a bit of her drink, and a lizard laps up a bit of it. The lizard turns into a zombie-lizard, and then is met with dozens of other lizards, who all engage in the dance break from Michael Jackson's "Thriller." This commercial would have made Marcel Duchamp proud. What a nonsensical mix of 5 separate commercials: the hip hop dancer, the animation, the lizards, the Michael Jackson video, the all-white background. This commercial was like a Dada exercise in commercial making.

High Point: This odd feeling I can't shake after about 10 seconds of those lizards... the feeling that I'm in an assisted-living facility being kept from having a psychotic fit by being shown funny shows about animals that can dance.

Low Point: The lizard farting. The lizard. The dancing Lizard. The animated dancing lizard. The animated dancing lizard farting. These lizards serve both as a high point and a low point, it seems.

Is this commercial an agent of change? This commercial is the statistical average of Geico, Beyonce for Direct TV, Mac vs. PC, and The Budweiser Frogs. Therefore, it is not an agent of change. It is an agent of equilibrium.

"On TV, you don't need a heart to survive." | CareerBuilder.com

Summary: A woman, sitting behind a dingy desk of a dingy office, is surprised when her still-beating heart jumps out of her chest. It falls, dusts itself off, and goes into her boss' office. The boss is so fat and sweaty, at this point the commercial could still be promoting a heart-disease medicine like Lipitor or Plavix. But then the heart holds up a Post-It note that says, "I Quit." The heartless woman looks on, surprised at her heart's conviction. The heart leaves.

High Point: The idea of a tiny boss in a tiny office helping himself to a plate of lobster.

Low Point: The CareerBuilder logo smashing the office building, potentially killing everyone inside.

Is this commercial an agent of change? CareerBuilder.com is obviously a jihaadist front. No other career advice service implies that it will help you with your plans to violently overthrow your current job. CareerBuilder also makes real references to the physical destruction of your current place of work. This organization is radicalizing the middle-management workers of America.