The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"Wanted" | Film Trailer

Summary: Scottish hearthrob James McAvoy first caught Hollywood's attention in such classic BBC series as State of Play and Shameless. Recently he burst onto the American screen with films such as The Chronicles of Narnia, The Last King of Scotland, Becoming Jane, the and the recent Oscar-bait Atonement. Evidently playing "English Guy #1" in these films doesn't pay enough, though, because now he's cashing in by starring in Wanted, a movie based on a minor hit of a comic book series from a few years ago. Once again, clearly ashamed of the book's 4-color origins, Hollywood has stripped away all the garish costumes, flying, and super-villains which might clue viewers in to the fact that they're watching a movie based on a comic book, a trend which goes back to the recent X-Men movies and is also on display in the upcoming Jumper film. Evidently, they've also removed all of the super-powers from the book except for the super-ability to shoot guns. Or at least that's what it looks like in this 30-second ad, which is shot after shot of people shooting guns in Matrix-like slow motion. Yawn. Oh, and here's Morgan Freeman, once again playing the wise old mentor character (though, admittedly, he looks like he might be a bad guy mentor in this film). So, in other words, WANTED is about people who shoot people and James McAvoy squandering his acting talents on drivel.

High Point: Angelina Jolie drives a car toward McAvoy, twists the wheel, spins the car and instead of smashing McAvoy flat, somehow scoops him up in the passenger seat. At 60mph. Of course, physics mandates that this would STILL kill him, but hey, it's a neat visual.

Low Point: Didn't The Matrix come out in 1999? Is slow-motion gunplay still the pinnacle of special effects 9 years later?

Is this commercial an agent of change? If by "change," you mean "I wish people would change things up and stop ripping off The Matrix.

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"All 'mos welcome" | Gatorade G2

Summary: Derek Jeter exits a cab. As he walks by them, the buiildings turn into stadium walls and the ground becomes baseball field beneath his feet. He voiceovers that people like to talk about The Game. They like to talk about this play or that play, but to him, the next game begins when the last one ends. However, in the off-season, it's important not to get fat. So drink this special diet Gatorade and stay in good pro-athlete shape. Also, keep taking steroids. It ends with a shot of Peyton Manning watching the ad with some other dudes. The old one next to him asks if that field follows Jeter around everywhere. Peyton says it's just special effects BUT... we see the green stuff pooling around his off-season feet as well.

High Point: The endless possibilities conjured when Jeter says "Slo-mo, fast-mo and any kind 'mo there is."

Low Point: Creeping puddles of green beneath dieting off-season athlete's feet brings incontinence, rather than off-season fitness to mind.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Yes! Now there are more and different chemicals for atheletes to blindly ingest.

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"Boobs? On the Internet?" | Danica Patrick's "Exposure" on GoDaddy.com

Summary: We open on a Superbowl party, lots of dudes and chicks, sitting around watching the game. "Dougie, Dougie, Dougie," the beefy guy asks, "What are you doin'? The game's on." Dougie is sitting at his computer with his back to the action. He explains that he used to watch the game for the commericals. Beefy friend interrupts. "Thank you, man! Wardrobe malfunction!" in a voice indicating he's expecting a high five. Dougie informs the group that if they're waiting for "Danica Patrick's 'Exposure'" to run, they're screwed, because it's only available on GoDaddy.com. Chaos ensues. Several revellers are trampled in the melee as everyone jumps off their couches and makes a beeline to Dougie's computer to watch said "Exposure."

High Point: The awesome sneak preview of Danica Patrick's actual cleavage even though, we were only watching on TV! We weren't even at GoDaddy.com!

Low Point: That Danica Patrick can't just be a racecar driver. She has to flash her titties.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Change? Change the channel, maybe. F the Superbowl, did you guys know there's tits on the internet?.

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"DELL (RED)" | Dell Laptop Computers

Summary: A cool 20-something"walks through crowded cobblestoned streets. Shirtless men stare at him from their balconies. Policemen pat his ass. Strangers high-five him. More butt-patting. The crowds get bigger. Then he opens his laptop. The End.

High Point: Hot Man-on-Man action!

Low Point: His laptop is a Dell.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Evidently Dell thinks they're the new Mac. Move over Justin Long, now there's something meatier.