The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"Replacing Objects With Beer" | Bud Lite

Summary: Young men gather around the kitchen table. They lift their conspicuously large objects to reveal brew-ha's underneath. They gape and gaze in amazement.

High Point: A huge wheel of cheese. "Dude, check out that huge wheel of cheese!" Indeed.

Low Point: It is, in fact, a maguffin. There be no frommage in that emsemble. Just crappy, watery beer.

Is this commercial an agent of change? The more things change, the more they stay the same. Bud Light replaces actual cool items with its own Bud-Litery. Boo.

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"DEATH TO CAPITALISM!" | UnderArmour

Summary: People run in a postmodern arid wasteland, flyers everywhere, displaying fortitude and defiance as well as underclothes protection. Ray Lewis stands dictatorial, makes a speech inspired by Twisted Sister with a swarming mass of U.A. clad proles heaving and sweating at his message. The screen turns red. We're not gonna take it....

High Point: Class war for the active man.

Low Point: When it comes right down to it, I don't know who Ray Lewis is, and am therefore skeptical that he might be the next Lenin.

Is this commercial an agent of change? It wishes. That 1984 Apple ad with the Orwellian movie screen and the woman throwing the sledgehammer is the "Stairway To Heaven" of Super Bowl ads. This one ain't even Bachman Turner Overdrive.

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"Serious Men Watch House" | House

Summary: A series of NFL coaches are anticipating the new season of House.

High Point: NFL coaches like TV, too. Shows the humanity of the perpetually pissed.

Low Point:It's House. Why not The Biggest Loser?

Is this commercial an agent of change? Not applicable, unless one must know if the NFL intelligentsia have feelings and tastes, too. Especially about misanthropic myopic medical professionals.

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"Animals Freak Out When They're About To Die" | Bridgestone Tires

Summary: Gentle squirrel wants to pick up a nut that has fallen into the middle of the road. A car goes zooming down, almost colliding with him. All the creatures of the animal kingdom start to yell with huge, distended, comic book faces. It seems like certain death, but the driver deftly swerves. All is right with the world.

High Point: The surrealism of the screaming faces. Man, it feels weird to write that, considering it's just a Super Bowl ad. Are they getting David Lynch to direct these things?

Low Point: Poor woodland creatures are terrified, and brought face to face with own mortality. Levity, people, levity!

Is this commercial an agent of change? Paving paradise and replacing it with a parking lot has its good points. I mean, at least the tires won't kill stuff. That is, of course, if they happen to be the official tires of the NFL.

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"Message From The Heart" | Doritos

Summary: A lady we don't know ostensibly gets her big break by singing a Sarah McLaughlin-esque strummy number about feelings and self-belief and crap.

High Point: You get all the guilty pleasure of seeing someone's rock and roll fantasy laid bare for mockery. Therefore, you're own high concept giraffes-punk rock-free jazz live show gains validity by comparison.

Low Point: SHE CAN'T SING! THIS SONG SUUUCKED!

Is this commercial an agent of change? Nope. Adult Contemporary is here to stay. Faster Natalie Merchant, Die DIE!!!

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"Guys Who Can't Handle The Adult World" | Unhitched

Summary: A guy I thought was Charlie Sheen licks what appears to be baby food off a baby's head. He can't handle commitment!

High Point: I thought it was Charlie Sheen.

Low Point: I mean, Charlie Sheen's not even that great, and I still feel let down.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Here today, gone tomorrow are the major network sitcoms.

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"Saving Money Must Be Entertaining" | DCU Equity Line

Summary: Large jagoff in striped yellow shirt winces and bloviates about how much money an innocuous suburban couple is going to save through switching their equity.

High Point: I am reminded to find out what equity is.

Low Point: The man bears a striking resemblance to Tom Arnold, whom no one should bear a striking resemblance to. The comedic principles of the jagoff middle-aged guy who yells a lot is so strickly squaresville. That dog won't hunt, I say!

Is this commercial an agent of change? Ironically, the character representative of the very company that's hawking its wares repels and awkwardizes (I coin this term for the glory of Flak!). The nice suburban couple who is subject to his wincing shouts. No change here.