Superbowl XLI: Break 9

"Yet Another Ad Conflating Bad, Watery, Domestic Beer With Violence" | Bud Light, Again

Summary: Maybe it's just the delicious Chimay Cinq Cents trappist ale that I'm quaffing, but what's the deal with these terrible American beer commercials that link their substandard product with people getting hurt? In this particular ad, a black guy — the ultimate lazy ad-maker Hander Out of the Cool — teaches his honky friend (i.e. The Consumer) how to be cool and slap people five nowadays. You slap 'em across the face! Lots of mostly man-on-man slapping happens. Bud Light.

High Point: A Japanese senior chef slapping a junior chef, twice. Kind of captures the Japanese chain-of-command thing in a nutshell. Surprisingly nuanced.

Low Point: That anybody anywhere might find this funny. WTF. Seriously: WTF.

Will this commercial calm or inflame the Iraqi civil war? Like apparently every other Bud Light ad ever made, this ad will keep the perpetual war machine stoked and hungry for blood.

"Anthropomorphized Health Problems Chase a Guy in a Heart Costume" | beatyourrisk.com

Summary: A benign-looking dude in a heart costume is chased down by a bunch of bad-guy looking (i.e. dressed in black) ailments, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol and the world's sexiest personification of "diabetes." They stuff him into a van, take him to a seedy alley, and beat him up. Could this be you?

High Point: It's a simple, edgy way to get people to go to beatyourisk.com and learn more about how to be heart healthy.

Low Point: Who knows who's behind beatyourrisk.com? Could be KFC. Which would mean the healthiest possible thing for your heart would be eating a bucket of heart-healthy fried chicken every day.

Will this commercial calm or inflame the Iraqi civil war? Well, that's not actually very clear. Pros: Keeping your heart healthy is something people of all religious convictions and political persuasions can get behind. Cons: It's all about forcing people into black vans and beating them up. This ad is a "push."

"Football Players Love Kids and Charity" | The United Way

Summary: With the sun setting and rising and basically giving you a bunch of golden-lighted Magic Hour for the entire thing, this commercial focuses on what football players do when they're not on the field: building homes for people, and helping kids climb up rope ladders to new beginnings.

High Point: Man, everyone looks BEAUTIFUL in that lighting.

Low Point: Where does that frickin' ladder go, anyway?

Will this commercial calm or inflame the Iraqi civil war? This commercial will make all the people of the world understand how beautiful NFLers actually are inside.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)