Superbowl XL: Break 8

"Go Daddy Girl" | GoDaddy.com

Summary: Nerds talk to an old man. They show clips from their ad from last year and insinuate there was scandal involved. A woman with incredibly oversized breasts is in the ad. The geeks sneer, "We gotta send in the Go Daddy Dot Com Girl!" An old man worries that something will go wrong with the ad. Bra straps snap.

High Point: None? Is that even possible?

Low Point: What does this company sell? Why am I supposed to know who they are? What was the big scandal with their old ad, and why do they think anyone, other than themselves, would possibly remember that after a year? How many arms did they break in their offices last year by branding themselves with this fake, unremembered scandal?

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? No... because the ad actively courts scandal. Weary, year-old, unremembered scandal. Oh, and what does this company even sell?

Poseidon | Warner Bros.

Summary: Coming soon to a theater near you: Lots of boat-sinking, people-screaming action that goes by too quickly to really register.

High Point: "Pirates of Penzance"-style swinging across the sinking ship's decks.

Low Point: Cheesy movie trailer lines like "You stay here, you die."

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? Well, America does love a good shipwreck flick.

"The Miracle of Fusion" | Gillette

Summary: Holy fucking shit! Five Blades! The Gillette Fusion razor is concieved in a secret underground nuclear bunker (obtained through the AQ Khan network?) where enriched neon uranium spins around a giant nuclear roller rink, thus fueling the battery-powered FIVE FUCKING BLADES of the Gilette Fusion.

High Point: The topographical simulation of how the FIVE FUCKING BLADES create a smoother, more comfortable shave.

Low Point: The idea that Rumsfeld's military transformation has yielded the FIVE BLADED RAZOR, yet we remain quagmired in Iraq. Not to mention the knowledge that the Onion joked about this nearly two years ago.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? Hell yes. FIVE BLADES! Do the Chinese shave with five blades? I think not.

[NEXT BREAK]

Team Gamma