Superbowl XL: Break 1

"Sticking It to the Man" | Budweiser

Summary: An asshole corporate type asks his underling to raise morale. They have a beer-soaked orgy of fighting the man.

High Point: Employees hiding beer in the walls, punching into the wall and pulling them out.

Low Point: The fact that people still drink Bud Light.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? Yes — beer solves all. Even if it's crappy beer.

"Whopperettes" | Burger King

Summary: Countless women dressed to resemble the potential ingredients of a cheeseburger dance and parade. Onion loops dangle, beef patties glisten and the mayonnaise girl has a white train of cholesterol. Eventually, the Burger King himself fires a cannon and all the women pile on each other to create a Brooke Burke topped Whopper.

High point: Someone said: "Sesame Seed Upskirt Action."

Low point: Whopperettes looks like Whore-ettes at first glance.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? How can the pornography of food not soothe America's disillusioned?

"Fake Beepy Magic Wand" | Sierra Mist

Summary: Kathy Griffin emits a small beeping noise from the side of her mouth as she takes a security wand to an airline passenger's 16 ounce plastic bottle of Sierra Mist.

High Point: Presumably, as a government agent of some sort, Kathy Griffin was carrying a firearm.

Low Point: Kathy Griffin doesn't violently subdue the owner of the soda.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? As a not-very-subtle critique of TSA passenger-pawing, no. This ad does not soothe.

"Rotating House" | Bud Light

Summary: Some yuppie guy can flip his kitchen around, much like a revolving bookcase that reveals a hidden room. His neighbors steal his beer while the fridge is turned inward into their apartment.

High Point: Praying to the magic refrigerator.

Low Point: Still the fact that people still drink Bud Light.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? You know, this beer may not actually solve all.

XVI Blocks | Warner Bros.

Summary: Bruce Willis, Mos Def and some other guys turn heads, bark and whisper. Then a bus drives through a thin alley at the camera. Sparks fly. There's some fire. Richard Donner directs.

High Point: Bus crash.

Low Point: Bruce Willis' moustache.

Will this commercial soothe the minds of scandal-weary Americans? I think I saw this one before. At the end, Bruce Willis crashes a helicopter, kicks a guy off a skyscraper, tears a big Saran Wrap S off his shirt to capture Zod, and then you find out he's actually dead!

Team Alpha