Superbowl XXXIX: Halftime
by Nicholas Coleman

The following is a reconstruction of a phone conversation between Super Bowl halftime show producer Don Mischer and outgoing FCC chairman Michael Powell:

DM: Hello, Don Mischer speaking.

MP: Good morning Mr. Mischer, this is FCC chairman Michael Powell, just checking up on the whole Super Bowl haftime show thing.

DM: Well, Mr. Chairman, with all due respect I must say I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with anything that will meet the stringent standards the FCC has given us.

MP: I understand that there's a lot of pressure on you Don, and I think I have the perfect solution. As you know I will be leaving the FCC this year. It just so happens that one of my colleagues, who is also leaving this year, is a recording artist.

DM: Um... OK. I'll bite, who is it?

MP: I'll give you a hint. "Let the eagle soarrrr..."

DM: Not ringing a bell.

MP: He's the attorney general...

DM: I'm sorry, I don't really follow politic,s Mr. Chairman.

MP: John Ashcroft.

(uncomfortable pause)

DM: I've heard of Richard Ashcroft...

MP: Look, he's been kind of depressed lately. He really got a kick out of being AG and his recording career could use a bit of a lift if you know what I mean. He had the statue of Justice covered up because it had an exposed breast. He's the anti-Janet. He'll be perfect.

DM: Where might I have heard him perform?

MP: Well, when he was on Letterman he confessed he was a big Paul McCartney fan, and he did a stirring rendition of "Can't Buy Me Love."

DM: Paul McCartney you say?

MP: Yes, they're both the same age and everything. He's a huge fan.

DM: Tell you what Mr. Chairman, how about I get Paul McCartney to play? That would really make Ashcroft's day, wouldn't it?

MP: That's a great idea! They could do a duet or something, John would love that!

DM: A duet... right... I'll keep that in mind. How about just McCartney, and we give Ashcroft free tickets or something?

MP: Well, I guess that would be OK. Just keep John in mind if McCartney falls through.

DM: Sure, I gotta go, Mr. Chairman. It was a pleasure.

(conversation ends)

How do you possibly follow last year's halftime show? With the much-too-much talked about wardrobe malfunction haunting the proceedings, what do you do to make the show safe enough for the red states and interesting enough for the blue states? Taking a page from the halftime show from two years ago, this year's show gets its lead act from across the pond. But unlike that tepid show which also featured MOR acts Shania Twain and No Doubt, this year's show was actually (GASP!) really good.

I must say they found the dullest possible sponsor for the show: Ameriquest Mortgage Company. It doesn't quite have the kick of AOL Topspeed, but I'll bet no one else would touch it. Paul is standing on a disco floor-like stage surrounded by his band on circular platforms and giant TV screens emmanating from the stage. Beyond this, there is the perfunctory crowd on the field, most of whom are probably young enough to be McCartney's grandchildren.

The first song is "Drive My Car." I wonder if Ford put him up to this one? I can't tell if the cars on the screens are Fords or not, so I guess we'll never know. Next up is "Get Back," which mentions leaving Tuscon, Ariz., for some California grass. That would be perfect if the Cardinals were playing the Niners in the Awful-Bowl but it doesn't quite work here. Paul is wearing a black jacket over a red shirt with a black star on it. Apparently he is now a communist.

ORANGE ALERT! ORANGE ALERT! HE IS REMOVING HIS JACKET! POSSIBLE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION DETECTED! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!

Whew. That was close, folks.

Paul clearly likes to live dangerously, and appropriately enough the next song is "Live and Let Die." Could this be a subtle commentary on the Bush administration's foreign policy? Could I still be bitter three months after the election? Nothing against McCartney, but I always liked Axl Rose's version better. Uh-oh, he said the word "hell." This won't go over well with the folks who had to change the Best Damn Sports Show to the Best Darn Sports Show. I always wince when he gets to the line "In this ever changing world in which we live in..."

Paul has now just said "Thank you, Super Bowl!"

OK, so "Hey Jude" just happens to be my favorite song in the world ever, so I don't think I can get the right critical distance on this one, but I'll try. There are weird blue circles emmanating from the state on the TV screens. Did somebody put on their screen saver by mistake? Now there's a guy in a space suit. They pull to a wide shot to reveal yet more upended TV screens on the outskirts. It's sort of like a reclining version of U2's Zoo TV tour. He's asked the crowd to sing along and we see that the people on the field all have lighters or glow sticks and the crowd in the stands have red white and blue panels spelling out "na na na." The last image on the TV screens is the Statue of Liberty. This could be seen as a lot of patriotic posturing — especially in a game pitting Patriots vs Eagles — but oddly enough it works.

The Super Bowl halftime show is a ridiculously easy target for derision. No one ever watches it. Other stations program alternatives to lure viewers away. But this year they finally managed to get it right. Despite his years, McCartney did write some of the greatest songs of the last century and his band single handedly (eight-handedly?) saved rock-n-roll from oblivion. There was no fast-paced-MTV-squeeze-as-may-acts-in-as-you-can nonsense, no list of names, no Shania. There was just really good music.

Paul's last words to the crowd: "You were great, you were great, you were really great!" No Paul, you were great. And in this ever changing world in which we live in, its nice to see talent trump spectacle for once.

— Nicholas Coleman (ncoleman@wesleyan.edu)

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)