Superbowl XXXIX: Break 16

"See If You Can Remember Which Beer to Drink" | Budweiser Select and/or Miller Lite

Summary: A Miller Lite bottle sits on a bar. Some words — presumably the bottle's thoughts — scroll vertically to its left. It is perturbed about the new thing that Anheiser-Busch introduced called "Budweiser Select." Why did they introduce it? The Miller Lite bottle doesn't know, but it certainly is intriguing. I'm going to try a delicious, mysterious Budweiser Select.

High Point: The thinking, talking beer bottle.

Low Point: All the reading. Too tired and drunk to read. Want explosions and/or bathing suits.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Is it doing anything but fighting tyranny?

"Funky Diva Time Machine | Ford

Summary: Yo, listening to this circa 1990 song by C+C Music Factory will make you realize that our riding suspension is superior to that of our competitors.

High Point: The juxtaposition of the 1950s "white man" voice with C+C's diva vocals.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: As it is clearly a product of the Clinton years, my answer would be yes.

"Lease? I thought you said leash! " | Toyota

Summary: A talking dog advises its owner that he can get a new "leash" on a Toyota Camry for only $199 a month. The owner corrects the dog. The dog should have said "lease." That's it. Really.

Low Point: If the dog can talk, why can't it tell the difference between a lease and a leash? Damned lazy talking dog.

Man, this commercial is nothing but a low point. Talking dogs are the last refuge of the incompetent.

"Ooh, I'm Miller and I think I'm all that" | Miller

Summary: Miller presents a scrolling screen of text to take a cheap shot at Anheuser Busch's new light beer...

Low Point: Watching the beer bottle sweat. As if I don't know this beverage intimately.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: No. Miller can't even win fans with a catchy slogan ("Good Call").

"Critical Acclaim" | "House"

Summary: More than 40 million viewers have made one show the cure for the ordinary medical drama. Guess what show it is? It is "House"! Lots of other Americans like "House," so you should, too! JUMP LEMMINGS, JUMP! JUMP STUPID AMERICAN VIEWERS! LOOK, A QUOTE FROM TV GUIDE!

Low Point: Assuming we're this vulnerable to mass psychology.

High Point: Telling us about this great new show — I guess if 40 million people like it, it can't be that bad. And it features the thinking man's Hugh Grant!

"Zeno's Paradox" | Toyota

Summary: I'm moving yet standing still? What does it mean, Toyota?

Low Point: When Toyota pronounces that it is heralding "good news for Planet Earth." What's next, Bible tracts?

High Point: You never plug this car in. Gee whiz!

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: This commercial helps fight the laws of thermodynamics. Cool.