Superbowl XXXIX: Break 14

"Pre-emptive War as a Chick Flick" | Anheuser Busch

Summary: It's an airport. People are tired and cranky. Cell phones are buzzing. Jet lag abounds. But wait! Could it be? The travelers rise one by one to clap at the sight of soldiers crossing the airport as the music swells.

High Point: The flight attendant shakes one soldier's hand. Pass the Kleenex.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Well, we know where Anheuser Busch stands on this one.

"Monkeys are Funny!" | CareerBuilder

Summary: Monkeys in smart casual place a whoopee cushion on Johnny's chair in the boardroom. Johnny Whitebread is not amused.

High Point: Imagining other forms of monkified fashion.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: You must first study your enemy before defeating him. An excellent example here.

"We Do Not Cost $10,000" | Napster

Summary: What seems to be Super Bowl coverage is interupted by a piece of cardboard that compares the $10,000 cost of iTunes with the $15 cost of Napster. Then: cut to crowd. Shirtless fat guys with N-A-P-S-T-E-R on their chests, one letter per fat guy. But can anyone deny that Napster has sold out to the Man? No.

High Point: First shirtless fat guys of the night.

Low Point: The implication that you want to buy 10,000 songs on iTunes, thereby making iTunes a $10,000 proposition. Can you name 10,000 songs? Really? Go.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: It will strike a blow for... Well, no. It won't even register on tyranny's radar screen. Tyranny uses LimeWire.

How Many Songs Have You Named?: Like, 26? Including the Beatles?

"Easy" | Staples

Summary: A giant, red button labeled "easy" appears by scenes of doctors performing surgery, a dad laboring over a dirty diaper, and a rodeo king gripping a bucking bronco.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Perhaps it could make tarts of the tyrants.

"Curiousity Covered the Cat in Spaghetti Sauce" | Ameriquest

Summary: A guy is cooking marinara sauce for the wife/girlfriend. He puts flowers on the table — something a real guy would never remember. He pulls out a huge, Crocodile Dundee-sized cooking knife, just as the cat spills sauce all over the place. He picks up the cat. So, here's the scene as the woman unlocks the door: dude holding cat, red saucey "blood" everywhere, dude also holding knife. YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS KILLED THE CAT WITH A KNIFE!

High Point: A macabre tableau of death in the kitchen.

Low Point: The knowledge that no mischievious cats were actually sacrificed to Baal during the making of this ad.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: What the hell does this have to do with Ameriquest, anyway? What is Ameriquest? Is it a weapons company? A mortuary? It's certainly got a death obsession that would make the Norwegians seem healthy by comparison.