Superbowl XXXIX: Break 13

"Hot Sauce Porn" | McIlhenny's Tabasco

Summary: A fetching lass in a bikini replete with Tabasco labels slinks from beach to beachhouse for a taste o' Tabasco. Upon tasting, she immediately gets a sunburn. She does a take to the camera upon discovering the burn; I'm not sure if the look is supposed to communicate "Me likey the hot sauce" or "Don't you wish you could fuck me, you fat, couch-ridin' Pats fan?"

High point: The bikini.

Low point: The soundtrack. "Disco Inferno" is too on the nose, and it's a Muzak version, to boot.

Will this ad help fight tyranny?: She's not wearing a bhurka, so this commercial doesn't help matters.

"The Poetry of Hank Stram" | NFL

Summary: Don Cheadle does an actorly monologue on the glory of the NFL. It is easily the most uninspiring speech I have ever heard. Cheadle works to conceal his embarassment.

High point: A quick glimpse of Vince Lombardi.

Low point: The pained expression on Don Cheadle's face.

"Cool dancing people, I think" | Olympus

Summary: A redux of the previous Olympus commercial, this one features a new cadre of grooving attractive and semi-attractive people. Some of them dance like the fat guy on the Hitch commercial. Except that they're supposed to be cool.

High Point: My dance style has been vindicated.

Low Point: I need more commercial society approval before I hit the floor.

"Duh duh DUH!" | Robots, the Movie

Summary: This ad is for a Pixar/Shrek rip off called Robots. The robots question how well we actually know the back of our hands. And a robot dog is threatened with castration. Also, robots perform "Hit Me Baby", showing that robots, like the Olympus people, favor my dance style.

High Point: These robots are less human than zombies, but more human than dogs. Leaning not scary.

Low: Robots are less human than talking dogs, but more human than chimps. Possibly Scary.

"This is a really expensive ad" | Fox, 24

Summary: Fox spends most of this ad telling us how expensive this ad is. Oh yeah, and the new 24's worth it.

High: All of the tsunami victims must be fully compensated, because Fox would never foist this crass celebration of their own wealth when there are people in need.

Low: Ha! We can spend huge amounts of money telling you that we have huge amounts of money to spend.