Superbowl XXXIX: Break 11

"Roses are Red, Garbage Disposals Are Red After You've Put the Roses Into Them" | "The O.C."

Summary: Many attractive actors and actresses from "The O.C." hit or talk or kiss one another. Someone puts some valentine roses into the garbage disposal.

Garbage disposal: RRRRRRR.

Roses: AAAAAUGH!

GD: RRRRRRRR.

Roses: Waaaaa-haaaaugh!

GD: Ha!

High Point: "Don't miss the last five minutes of last O.C." But the other, like, 55 minutes are cool to miss?

"Don't Fuck with House, He'll Cut You Up" | House

Summary: They call him arrogant, they call him rude, but when a life is on the line, they call him ... House?

Low Point: The intrigue is too much. I'm breaking out in hives. Save me, House, save me!

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: This commercial invented tyranny.

"Tomorrow" | The NFL Network

Summary: Players from defeated NFL teams lounge on the beach. The band plays a reggae version of "Tomorrow," from "Annie." Then the commercial inexplicably cuts to a bunch of mansions owned by other players, including a player whose male companion is a grotesquely obese viking holding a bag of what commentator Peter Norman described as "non-descript white powder."

High Point: The coked-up Viking.

Low Point: The reminder that reggae music still exists.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Yah, mon. Irie.

"A Man Loves His Dog" | An Airline? Who knows.

Summary: A phone rings at a house. Cut to a businessman, who is calling the house, over and over again, leaving a series of messages updating the seemingly empty house on where he is, on his trip home. Then: It's clear that the messages are for a dog who has been sitting on the couch in defiance of house rules. Cut to shot of airport gate reading: "Gate D-10: A GOOD FACE LICKING."

High Point/Low Point: A GOOD FACE LICKING.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: It will encourage tyrants to destroy the bestio-autocracy known as the United States.

"Hot Beef Injection / No Nissan" | Nissan

Summary: A man asks a woman if the little shit-jalopy parked in her garage is hers, and then fantasizes about it driving faster than 40 mph, weaving into and out of traffic as though it was an actual automobile. She says yes, but adds that they can't drive it on their first date. She then invites him in for coffee, the international phrase signifying an upcoming giving up of the cat.

High Point: The hilarious "Nissan driving fast" dream sequence.

Low Point: The tacit acknowledgement of how little sexual intercourse means to today's young people.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: It will embolden it, sir. I am afraid that it will merely embolden it.

"I Heart Mixed Metaphors and Street Drugs!!" | Some bank

Summary: An intense, lonely man wants to trade all day and talk your ear off all night. He wants to "swim in a sea of ATMs." He wants to do everything, now, dammit!

Low Point: This man wants to be your new best friend.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Our intense subject is too high on speed to look up "tyranny."

"Rain" | Cadillacs

Summary: An ugly, ugly Cadillac drives incredibly quickly while getting rained on by slo-mo, spittlesque raindrops. Every year, Cadillac tries to sell its terrible, boxy cars to drunken Super Bowl fans. Every year, the fans clearly reward the strategy enough to make it self-perpetuating.

Other comments: No. Cadillacs look terrible.