Superbowl XXXIX: Break 09

"Aarrghh!" | NASCAR

Summary: Two pirate ships are at sea, in high dudgeon, battling, in a storm, the waves buffeting the ships. Jeff Gordon appears, dressed as Russell Crowe in Master and Commander, and holds the pirates off with a shiny sword.

High point: Gordon's shiny sword.

Low point: It's unclear what the upcoming Daytona 500 has to do with pirates. Are there a disproportionate number of NASCAR drivers with eye patches?

Will this ad help fight tyranny?: The message is clear: Not only do we have the best-equipped, fastest, most talented armed forces on the globe, but even our NASCAR drivers can hold off evildoers with a single shiny sword. Fear us.

"Talking Dog!" | Toyota Camry

Summary: Holy smokes!!! Not only do I get the first Super Bowl commercial with monkeys, I also score the first talking dog spot! A talking dog and his owner, embroiled in a humorous misunderstanding!!!

High point: I get the monkeys and the talking dog?!?!! Jesus, I pick up Bonds and Albert Pujols!!!

Low point: The movement of the dog's mouth is not up to Babe standards.

Will this ad help fight tyranny?:Talking dogs, like monkeys, heal the wounds of the world, with mirth, and maybe a tear or two.