Superbowl XXXIX: Break 08

"Fast-Moving Things that Largely do not Reflect Light Very Well" | Batman Begins

Summary: Bats in a well. A dude jumping. A hand... extending in silhouette. A guy with a bag on his head, presumably scary. A butler saying: "Master Wayne! Delightful to buttle your crumpets," or something similar to that. Batman, jumping all over the place. Uh-oh! The Dark Knight is back! For like the 50th time! And then Kofi Annan shows up.

High Point: The head of the United Nations appearing in what would otherwise be an ordinary commercial. Or was that Danny Glover? Or that guy from The Royal Tenenbaums?

Low Point: Bats, the only flying mammal, exploited for commercial purposes.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: No. The tyrants will rightfully assume we're out of ideas.

"My Name is Diana Pearl" | SileStone quartz bathroom products

Summary: A string of celebrity men claim to be Diana Pearl. But you're guys, you sillyheads! Then Dennis Rodman says he is Diana Pearl. This may be true, but the image of him in a bubblebath is just disturbing.

Low Point: Dennis Rodman with a loofah.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: We doubt Dennis sings "Kumbayah" in the shower.

"Smooth and Rich" | Michelob Amber Bock

Summary: A pansy-looking dude with a sweater around his neck and a fancy house dances around to accessible hip-hop beats to impress his date. She is not impressed. Then a different guy plays awesome music for his date — but it turns out he's playing it for her in a furniture store! Where he works! The first scenario: Rich, but not smooth. The second: Smooth, but not rich. If only some product would appear to bridge the chasm between the two aspects of this duality. Yes! It has appeared! Michelob Amber Bock!

High Point: The concept of this ad is the pinnacle of the Super Bowl's intellectualism thus far, with the exception of the "Declaration of Independence" high-school pageant during the pre-game show.

Low Point: Since when do sweaters tied around your neck denote being wealthy?

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Not a damn chance. The tyrants... they will not grasp its many subtle layers of meaning and nuance!

"Get Off Your Ass and Help Some Kids" | NFL and United Way

Summary: Soft-focus shots of football players. Grinning children. Sweating football players. Grinning children. Slightly disturbing.

Low Point: The guilt.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: The NFL and its viewers will surely spark reconciliation between underprivileged youth and white-collar criminals.