Superbowl XXXIX: Break 06

"Now Look What You've Started!" | Budweiser

Summary: A bunch of animals — a giraffe, some sheep and an elephant — approach a barn. The barn opens. It's the Budweiser Clydesdales, and their little mascot donkey, who made the team last year by being adorable and trying hard! Yaaay! Beer!

Low Point: The whole conceit, that we care so much about Budweiser ads that we can remember, much less give a damn about, the Little Donkey That Could. Insulting!

Will this ad fight tyranny?: It will. If all manner of different animals can aspire to join the Budweiser Clydesdales team, all manner of different people can aspire to join... team America? Actually, strike that. Probably won't fight tyranny.

"Eating Sandwiches or 'Eating' 'Sandwiches'?" | Subway

Summary: Cops on the beat find a steamed-up car. "Couple of lovebirds," one of them suggests. There are moans coming from the car. They rap on the car window with a flashlight, and the window comes down. It's two embarassed looking guys, in a full on 69-position! No, it's not, they're just eating Subway sandwiches.

High Point: The moaning noises. Really, they're pretty... suggestive.

Low Point: These are some scruffy looking dudes. They're not going to want to make you want to eat delicious brownies, let alone lowest-common-denominator grinders from Subway.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: No, but there's a good chance that it will confuse tyranny. And that's half the battle.

"Pulp Fiction Part II — But Your Parents Can Watch It!" | Be Cool

Summary: John Travolta is "Chili Palmer," a private eye, or gangster, or spy, or something. A bunch of gangsta-looking black dudes aren't really very effective at handling their guns, and one of them accidentally shoots someone's cousin which is, of course, funny. Again: No funeral or eulogy shown. Lack of time. Travolta and Uma Thurman dance around in a shameless, exploitive Pulp Fiction ripoff.

High Point: None.

Low Point: Travolta used his Pulp Fiction role as a comeback. How can he rip that off to try to make a comeback from his post-comeback film-related wallow of shame? Once you've made Battlefield Earth and Swordfish you need more than Pulp Fiction II: Electric Boogaloo to get back on the charts. Travolta, you putz! You putz! You had what it takes at one point!

Will this ad fight tyranny?: Only if the tyrants are aspiring male lead actors.

"Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'em" | Lays snack products

Summary: Kid hits ball over fence. Girl next door tells him that he should try Lays because "everybody loves Lays." The kid's dog is chucked over the fence by the team on the other side.

High Point: When MC Hammer flies over the fence.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: The real question: Will Hammer's reappearance spark the return of Zubaz?

"Blow It Out Your Hole, Pepsi" | Pepsi/iTunes

Summary: Dude, when you lift the cap of your Pepsi bottle, dope tunes come out! Now our band can lip synch ... because we suck!

High Point: Siphole DJs are so 2006.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: Expose your favorite tyrant to multiple performances of "Every Rose Has its Thorn." You know the answer.

"Wind-up Molesters" | Degree for Men Summary: After Barbie dumped Ken, he took up with his mom. Use Degree for Men, you schmo.

Low Point: Ken in a compromising position with Mom ... in a shopping cart.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: Barbie is bitch-queen of the world. Accept your place, Ken.