Superbowl XXXIX: Break 05

"Stayin' Alive" | Diet Pepsi

Summary: An Iglesias-style good-looking guy in a knit cap struts the cith streets, Diet Pepsi in hand, underscored by the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive." Every woman who sights him falls for him. They pause when he stops to take a drink. They lower their sunglasses to drink him in. Cindy Crawford appears among the admirers, and takes a good long look. Then, Carson Kressly (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) passes by, does a dropped-jaw double take, pivots, and follows him. This is a hot man with a cool drink, people.

High Point: The Kressly appearance — a nice surprise in an oft-used trope.

Low Point: "Stayin' Alive." This may be the first commercial to parody the opening scene of Saturday Night Fever, but it feels like the hundredth.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: It will not help combat tyranny, because tyrannical men, no matter how hot, do not like to be objectified by women and gay men.

"Midnight Train to Endorsements" | MBNA

Summary: A hard-fought rugby scrum between "England" and "Visitors" is advantage: England until the visiting team unveils a secret weapon: Gladys Knight, resplendent in a red sequin dress. "They both have a lot of hits, but what else do they have in common?" asks the ad. Answer: the MBNA Visa card.

High Point: Knight's dress, a true low-end cabaret bar horror.

Low Point: The commercial makes no sense whatsoever.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: Tyranny will not understand this commercial, and be angered. So, it's bad.

"Network plug" | 24

Summary: A look at what's coming up on "24" tomorrow night, 9 central. In short: "Six nuclear disasters are imminent!"

High Point: A fleeting look at the woman who got an Oscar nomination for "House of Sand and Fog." She rocked in that flick.

Low Point: Kiefer Sutherland's T-shirt: too tight.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: Apparently, the Arab family who figures heavily in this season's "24" has angered many Arab groups. This was a bad break for the clarion call of freedom.

"Will Smith Is Sexy...You Didn't Know?" | Movie

Summary: In 5 days, Will Smith will teach fat, uncoordinated white guys "dancing to sex." Or as said uncool white guy says, 'Start[ing] the fire and mak[ing] the pizza.'

High Point: More reparations for centuries of oppression.

Low Point: Unlikely to address the deep socioeconomic fissures in our country.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: America is still sorry in a completely ineffectual way for past crimes against humanity. Good practice for our future foreign policy.

"Trucks Are Manly!" | Tough Truck #01264030

Summary: A truck from some truck company (probably American) climbs over rocks.

High Point: There is still enough wilderness to film a wilderness truck commercial in.

Low Point: The ratio of TV images of trucks climbing over rocks to actual trucks climbing over rocks hits an all-time high.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: With these tough trucks, we can pull a Red Dawn on their asses.