Superbowl XXXIX: Break 04

"Your Girlfriend is Going to Cheat on You While You are at the Game" | Bud Light

Summary: Cool, hip, approachable black dudes are at a sporting event, using their camera phone to get photo updates from all over the place. One of the dudes gets a camera photo from his best friend featuring Bud Light and his girlfriend. There is hanky-panky implied between the beer, girlfriend, and best friend, summoning up memories of Fatty Arbuckle.

High Point: The one dude tilting the phone to look at what we, the viewers, are led to believe is a photo of his girlfriend doing the horizontal mambo with his Judas-like pal.

High Point: "She sharing, alright."

Low Point: The idea that deep personal betrayal involving a serious friendship, a serious relationship, and a mediocre light beer is nothing to get particularly concerned about.

Will this ad fight tyranny?: I guess if your biggest problem is that your best friend is sending you photos of himself sleeping with your skank-ass girlfriend and the Bud Light, you're not really in terrible shape, vis-a-vis, say, landmines.

"Adam Sandler Attempts to Demonstrate His Masculinity" | The Longest Yard

Summary: Slo-mo shots of sweaty pigskins. Adam Sandler scratching his jock strap. Reminder that it will probably rain this Memorial Day, prompting a trip to the cineplex.

High Point: The backflipping linebacker almost sticks the landing!

Will this commercial help fight tyranny? Memorial Day is one wicked tyrant, man.

"Our Food is Sometimes Shaped in Fucked-up Ways" | McDonald's

Summary: A French fry that looks like Abraham Lincoln is discovered at a McDonald's. It becomes a national big deal. A Japanese Lincoln fetishist jumps into the act. The fry is sold on the Internet, and people start discovering other pieces of McDonald's food that looks like famous people.

High Point: McDonald's tacitly acknowledging that since it can't sell its food on flavor or health, and therefore must lean on the fact that it often looks all messed up.

Low Point: EBay shows up, turning one commercial into two commercials. Also, the concept of a Japanese Lincoln fetishist.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Yes, because it will teach everyone about American history. I, and the world's oppressed peoples, am lovin' it.

"A Simpsons Halftime" | "The Simpsons"

Summary: The Simpsons produce the Superbowl's halftime show.

High Point: When Homer says, "I wish I was a screen saver." Flying toasters included.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Flying toasters are fearless fighters for what is good and true.

"It Is Amusing to Mace People" | Ameriquest

Summary: A guy walks into an ill-lit convenience store, talking on an ear-implant cell phone to a friend who got "robbed." The storekeepers assume that he is robbing them, and mace him, hit him with a bat, and then bust out the Taser .

High Point: The dude getting maced. That's comedy!

Low Point: Doesn't seem to have anything to do with Ameriquest.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: Maybe. It makes Americans look violent and twitchy. Perhaps this will intimidate Iran and North Korea.

"Dopey Damsel" | Visa check card

Summary: A young woman whines that her Visa check card has been nabbed. A team of superheroes hurries to her rescue, only to provide inadequate comic relief.

Low Point: When Spiderman says, "Read my lips," to reveal that — ha! — he doesn't have lips. Ba-dum.

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: It couldn't fight a friggin' check card thief, how will it fight tyranny?

"Horny Baby" | Quiznos subs

Summary: A bouncing baby with a dirty-old-man voice flirts with the hottie by the pool.

Low Point: The hottie tells the baby he's looking hunky. Uh, Dr. Freud?

Will this commercial help fight tyranny?: No. This little boy needs to be weaned, pronto.