Superbowl XXXIX: Break 01

"The Beer of Death" | Bud Light

Summary: A skydiving instructor motivates a nervous student by throwing a six-pack of Bud Light out of the plane. The student doesn't have time to get to the beer, because the pilot — lacking a parachute — rushes out of the plane and dives after the beer, dying instantly upon hitting the ground.

High Point: The idea that suicide can be induced by throwing a six-pack of watery domestic lager out the door of a small plane.

Low Point: Pilot's death — and subsequent funeral, mourning relatives, settling of estate, etc. — cut for time.

Will this commercial fight tyranny? It may actually give terrorists ideas.

"Urban Noir" | 02 contact lenses

Summary: Creepy bubbles attempt to swallow pretty people headfirst. Narrator informs the viewer that one's eyes need oxygen.

High Point: The pretty people appear to be high on nitrous oxide.

Will this commercial fight tyranny? Only in an oxygen shortage.

"A New Film That Is Not The Matrix" | Mr. Constantine

Summary: Keanu Reeves drowns a woman in a bathtub, and then she is blasted through an office and out the window. Things blow around in slow motion. Scary dead dudes cavort and stack them selves into an Abu Ghraib-like pyramid. Or perhaps they're cheerleading.

High Point: The destruction of the hated cubicles. Everyone loves to see the office environment mussed up by supernatural forces.

Low Point: Keanu Reeves... is acting? Still? Why? Hasn't the studio heard?

Will this commercial fight tyranny? Not a chance in hell.

"Can I get a ride?" | Diet Pepsi

Summary: P. Diddy hitches a ride with a Diet Pepsi truck driver. Glamorous folk are fascinated by his ride. Par-tay.

Low Point: A diverse assortment of unrelated others are shown "raising the roof" in a Diet Pepsi truck.

Will this commercial fight tyranny? Gee, isn't that Will Smith's job?

"Questionable Gum" | Bubblicious

Summary: An ad for LeBron James' "Lightning Lemonade" Bubblicious gum. LeBron comes out and blows a very vaginal looking pink bubble that bursts on his face. The name of the gum is revealed. It is very alliterative.

Low Point: Goddamn you, Freud!

Will this commercial help fight tyranny: If the oppressed people of the world want Lebron's gum, perhaps they will overthrow their hated oppressors.

"I Dance Like Elaine from Seinfeld!" | Olympus mrobe multimedia device

Summary: Everybody's doing it: The elderly Asian tourist couple, the anklebiter with the fold-up scooter. Yup, Olympus makes them all want to flagellate.

High Point: Use of the word "groovy."

Will this commercial help fight tyranny? Totally. If it all comes down to a David Byrne-style dance-a-thon.

"The Ameriquest Mortage Superbowl Features Paul McCartney" | The Super Bowl

Summary: Paul McCartney plays a guitar for a while, then a mortage company recently famous for its deceptive, boiler-room tactics is displayed. The two are intermingled. You were a Beatle once, Paul! A BEATLE! GODAMMIT, A MOTHERFUCKING BEATLE!

[NEXT BREAK]

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com) and Jessica Steinhoff