Super Bowl XXXVIII: Halftime
by Nicholas Coleman

Good god, where do I begin?

This year the the folks in charge of the Super Bowl halftime show must have taken a hint from Flak's reviews of the past two years and decided to revamp the show a little bit. Of course it can't hurt that CBS is a unit of Viacom, which also owns MTV. The show, officially the "AOL Topspeed" halftime show, is like an MTV retrospective of the past 5 years or so. Instead of a couple of high-profile acts (last year it was Shania, No Doubt and Sting) MTV has brought us six, count 'em, six superstar performers for this fast-paced halftime show. And by "fast-paced" I mean if you blink you'll miss an entire act. MTV has long been accused of reducing the attention span of the average teenager, but this show would frustate the most deficient of attentions. Each act gets about 30 seconds to get on the stage, spout a verse from a hit song (two songs if they're lucky) and get the hell out. If the goal was to dazzle the audience with stars galore and leave the viewer sputtering "Wha' happened?" — mission accomplished.

The show begings with a celebrity-ridden promo for MTV's Rock the Vote, whose new slogan is, get ready, "Choose to Vote!" A tear comes to the eye as Chris Rock, Julia Roberts and Frodo implore us to choose things to the ringing chords of U2's "Where the Streets Have No Name." I choose not to care.

All of a sudden Jessica Simpson appears out of nowhere to emphasize that the most important choice that can be made in a democratic society is to "choose to party!" I only hope that the Iraqi people are watching right now. True to her role as a second rate celeb, this is all that Jessica gets to do in the show. Surely she can comfort herself with the fact that P. Diddy doesn't have his own reality show … yet.

The party has started and the TSU marching band is on the field. For those who don't know (read: everyone), TSU stands for the Texas Southern University. I can only imagine the heartbreak of the Rice marching band, probably drinking themselves into oblivion right now.

Now the gigantic stage lights up and from behind a purple veil (a commentary on the role of women in muslim society? Almost certainly not) comes the visage of Janet Jackson, the no. 1 star in this-star studded affair. She comes down an elevator to deliver the first actual song of the show: "The Song That Samples The Change's 1980 Hit 'The Glow Of Love.'" I love that song.

Janet makes her exit and Bad Boy CEO P. Diddy (where has he been?) comes onstage to remind us that despite all evidence to the contrary, it is still "Bad Boy 4 Life." Mr. Diddy (do his friends call him P?) is sporting a fur-lined coat, essential to ward off the harsh Texas winter. Wait a minute, are they playing "Mickey", the 1982 hit by Toni Basil? No, its "The Song That Samples Toni Basil's 1982 Hit 'Mickey' But Substitutes 'Diddy' for 'Mickey'." I love that song.

Señor Diddy has been onstage far too long: Nearly a minute has passed without the appearance of a new artist. Enter the original St. Lunatic himself, Nelly. It's nice of him not to be wearing a Rams jersey — he's a good sport. He gets off a verse of "Hot in Herre," but given the time constraints he might have to cut out the second r in "herre." Is that Herr Diddy still on stage wearing a black jersey that says "Peeples?" Who the hell is Peeples? Is this some sort of gang sign?

Taking "Bad Boy 4 Life" somewhat literally, we get yet a third song from Monsieur Diddy. This time it's "The Song That Samples the 1980 Diana Ross Hit 'I'm Coming Out.'" I love that song, but I'm beginning to see a trend here. Finally Diddy-san makes his exit.

On comes the anti-Diddy, America's own Kid Rock (Where has he been?). Just to show how much of a "Patriot" he is, Rock gives us Fourth of July-style pyrotechnics and he's wearing a freaking flag! Doesn't it constitute desecration to cut a hole in the middle of an American flag, wear it like a poncho and sing "Bawitdaba"? Next up is "Cowboy," which is appropriate since we're in Texas and the Dallas Cowboys are in the Super Bowl. Wait a minute; no they're not. Oh, and he is apparently proud to be living in the USA. Thanks Kid Rock, but the flag thing kind of tipped me off.

Now that that long-haired hippie freak has left the stage there are a gaggle of dancers that look like Rollerball extras writhing around on the scaffolding. What could possibly top everything we've already seen in the last two minutes or so? It's Janet Jackson! Again. Now she's doing "The Song That Samples Janet Jackson's 1989 Hit 'Rhythm Nation.'" Actually it is "Rhythm Nation", and I can't believe that it came out 15 years ago. Thanks Janet, you've made me feel old. Since this is her socially conscious song, she shouts out bad things like "ignorance" and "illiteracy" and the crowd reads the giant sign spelling out "NO" in balloons. Nothing gets a crowd riled up like illiteracy. I wish I could read.

Somehow the ballon sign now spells "Justin" and our final halftime celeb, Justin Timberlake, takes the stage to duet with Janet. Oddly enough, the last words out of Justin's mouth as he's dry-humping Janet are "I'm gonna have you nekkid by the end of the song". And then ….

And that's the AOL Topspeed halftime show. True to its billing, it went by at top speed, spewing out celebrities like the recipient of a beer funnel spews out his last meal in record time. There's no question it was better than last year's snoozefest, and we have returned to the glory days of the 2001 halftime special. And my, how Justin has grown since his 'N Sync days. Still, the rapid pace was a bit disorienting and it's hard for the brain to process six popstars singing nine songs in about five minutes. It's quite inspiring, actually, so much so that this reviewer will now summarize the entire halftime show in a mere 1.5 words: "Wha' happened?"

— Nicholas Coleman (ncoleman@wesleyan.edu)

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)