Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 13

"Back to the Future" | AOL 9.0 Optimized

Summary: The OC Chopper Crew are back. Haven't they figured this thing out yet? Anyway, they put AOL in their car, which speeds up and disappears Back to the Future style. Where did it go? To a Renaissance fair in 2002, apparently.

High Point: The car disappearing was pleasantly unexpected. Good show.

Low Point: Everybody knows that special effect should have involved lightning bolts and flaming skid marks. If you're going to spoof something, don't do it half-assed. That's like seeing Shasta show up in a commercial.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Well, the chopper guys could go back in time and tell the United States not to support Saddam in the … oh, never mind. The Butterfly Effect proved inescapably that that kind of thing doesn't work.

"Four Wheels Down" | Nextel

Summary: Dale Earnhardt Jr. gets called in via walkie-talkie to play football and does so in his race car. Tacklers get dragged behind as he makes a touchdown.

High Point: One, he does donuts in the end zone. Two, it makes NASCAR finally make sense as a sport.

Low Point: Walkie-talkies? Don't you mean drivey-wiveys? What do walkie-talkies have to do with driving over a defensive guard?

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? VROOOOOM. VROOOM. SCREEEEE. I'm sorry, what was your question?

"Tramps Can't Buy Beer on Their Own; They Need to Ask the Townie Standing Out Front" | Budweiser

Summary: Underage girls get dressed up all slutty in order to buy beer, but get discouraged by an 5" x 7" sign about carding. Just show the clerk your bra, ladies.

High Point: The store is actually called "Convenience Store."

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? VROOOOM. VROOOOM. SCREEEEE. I'm sorry, I'm drunk. And underage.

"Shards o' Glass" | truth

Summary: Perfect spoof of the tobacco company civic duty commercials. A factory owner warns that his Shards O' Glass popsicles may contain health risks, and the only way to avoid that is to not eat them.

High Point: Truth has finally gotten the stick out of its ass and made a commercial that isn't so preachy.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Not if the tobacco companies, which fund most of our government through campaign contributions and taxes, get hurt. How, then, would Iraq be funded?

"$1,000,000 Slam Dunk" | 7UP

Summary: A moving 7UP truck offers $1,000,000 to anyone who can slam dunk the hoop at its back. Two men try, only to miss and slam themselves into the truck and/or a lemonade stand.

High Point: No, wait. That was a cupcake stand.

Low Point: A cupcake stand? Whaaaa?

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Reach for your goals, people. Reach for your unattainable, violence-causing goals.

"Two and a Half Men" | CBS

Summary: A promo for a lame, lame show. Lame.

High Point: Twenty dollars says this kid is going to have a Where Are They Now segment on "Entertainment Tonight" in three years.

Low Point: Like John Cryer did.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. Wait, no.