Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 11

"Hot Actor on a Horse! Come and Get 'im, Gals!" | Hidalgo

Summary: An unshaven actor rides a horse across the Arabian Desert, fighting bad guys along the way. The actor looks surly, mysterious. A narrator says, "One man's journey will make him a hero." He does not say, "...and kill his horse."

But c'mon, no way the horse lives, right?

High Point: We first saw this preview, like, three Christmases ago. Clearly this movie ain't coming out. But somehow they've found a clever way to make money off the preview itself, and actually releasing the film would end the gravy train.

Low Point: Every time you see this ad, you think of Houston Astros outfielder Richard Hidalgo, don't you? And you're riding him around the desert?

Yeah ... ick.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No, most certainly not. This movie says, "We can come to the desert with an old horse and kick your ass, Iraqi." It inspires rebellion and mistrust.

"Shave Well, Get Laid" | Gillette Mach 3

Summary: All sorts of men — astronauts, bullfighters, accountants — shave themselves sensually. Women attack them. "It's like having an angel by your side," says a knowing voice. Then, "I never wanna lose that feeling."

High Point: We see a young Muhammad Ali briefly. Wasn't he featured in an IBM ad earlier? What product won't this aging hero sell? Oh wait …

Low Point: Thinking to yourself, "Why don't I get to review that Mike Ditka penis-pill ad?"

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No. At this point, we're really pushing the whole shave-your-hairy-self thing down the throat of the Muslim community. You hear that enough, you let the beard go, turn to false gods, etc.

"If You're Cruising the Arctic, Get a Sweet Ride" | Lexus

Summary: It's a Lexus SUV swooshing through the snow. "Baby It's Cold Outside" is playing. Nice touch, that song. But there is no road, just a car among the snow dunes. Is this a post-apocalyptic image? We cannot know, and they won't say.

"Fuck the bombs, let's get in our luxury car! Woo-hoo!"

Low Point: Thinking to yourself, "If any man was born to do a penis-pill ad, it's referee Ed Hochuli." Then saying it out loud. Then suffering an uneasy silence.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No. Unlike Eskimos, Iraqis have zero words for snow.