Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 10

"Creampuff" | Staples

Summary: Godfather of his basement office-supply domain, Randy and his stooge keep their coworkers living in fear … of the moment they run out of paperclips. The desktop don demands tributes of sugared baked goods from his "family:" A whimpering donut-bearer seeks a printer cartridge, a man in a neckbrace trades a late payment of muffins for a single paperclip. On and on it goes, until the bearer of half a danish receives half a file folder in trade — and decides to fight back. With help from Staples and a Sopranos hitman, the turncoat returns to demand a creampuff. "Monster," says Randy.

High Point: A desk drawer gloriously — or tragically? — piled with donuts.

Low Point: A spurned half-danish.

"Will You be Ready?" | Cialis

Summary: The, uh, "shootout" between anti-impotence drugs continues with a shot of two wrinkly people lounging surrealistically together in bathtubs installed on some improbably pristine country hillside. The question presented by the commercial: What if a relaxing moment turns into the "right" moment? Well, Cialis has the answer, despite "not being studied for multiple attempts per dose." That's right — this is an "untested" pill that can stoke your fires of relaxed tenderness into soaring infernos of passion. Sounds pretty good.

As a plot.

For a science fiction film.

Additionally, the fact that everything has to be read as a visual metaphor in these anti-impotency drug ads greatly complicates the commercial. OK: The couple is standing in front of a classy old convertible car with its hood up. Huh. Is the "car" "broken"? Is that symbolic? Is the "hood" "up"? Once you get more subtle than pumping a football through a tire swing — or, I suppose, ripping part of Janet Jackson's leather cover off — you enter a whole murky realm of subterranean symbolism.

High point: The spoken disclaimer that suggests you may get a four-hour-plus erection that will require medical attention.

Low point: Same.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? It's not entirely clear, but it seems as though this ad may be completely against Islam.

"I Feel Love" | Some company

Summary: The 1995 version of the Donna Summer hit "I Feel Love," remixed in a way that didn't detract too much from the ecstatic purity of the title lyric, is played over some sort of visual advertising some sort of good or service.

High point: "I Feel Love" got me through high school. Well, not specifically. Messiah sampled Donna Summer for its underground album of the same name. During my very-large-pants days, I couldn't get through a weekend without hearing the track. The lyric is so uplifting, the beat so relenting, the combination so compelling — years after my last rave, the track still echoes in my ears. What a song! Just great.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Even Saddam Hussein's cold heart can't help but melt when "I Feel Love" comes on. To the company that sponsored this ad: Kudos. I hope you sell a lot of your product, or whatever.

"Being Rich is Muy Bueno" | NFL Network

Summary: A dude throws a football. A voiceover declares "being rich is muy bueno." Wealthy football-throwing, Spanish-speaking people everywhere are now excited to tune into the NFL network.

Will this commercial help wealthy Spanish-speaking football throwers feel good about themselves? There is no doubt, man. Absolutely no doubt.