Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 09

"Tomorrow" | The NFL

Summary: Various players and coaches representing NFL teams not in the Super Bowl join together in singing "Tomorrow," under the premise "As of tomorrow, we're all undefeated again."

High Point: The synthesis of a showtune and the NFL's reputation for kicking ass.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Do the Iraqis like showtunes? Do they have a bottom dollar to bet?

"Boring Car Commercial" | Acura MDX

Summary: There was this car. It drove about. Looks nice. Also, an interior shot. Looks cushy.

Low Point: Power and safety — which the car claims to bring into balance — are not diametrically opposed; ergo, having them live in harmony is just as boring as the rest of the commercial.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No, but the Iraqi oil needed for the MDX will help build a more stable and profitable Halliburton.

"Boring Car Commercial II: The Quickening" | Ford Escape

Summary: There was this car. It drove about. Looks nice. Also, an interior shot. Looks cushy.

Low Point: The roof rack is referred to as a "No Boundaries Rack System" — Ford's wanderlust-mad branding (Escape, Expedition, Excursion) ran amok.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Blah blah Halliburton blah. Zing!

"Drawing on Children" | Microsoft

Summary: As children frolic, Microsoft unleashes squiggly lines, revealing their future in horrible prophecy.

High Point: The little squiggles are a nice effect.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yeah. Just draw in a squiggly little infrastructure over rioters and suicide bombers. What could possibly go wrong?

"I Fit in a Carafe! And So Does My Dog!" | Sierra Mist

Summary: A man, desperate for relief from the intense heat, takes a Gollum-esque leap into a container of water. Which he fits into.

High Point: Everyone loves Italian restaraunts! That's hospitaliano! Bam! Etc.!

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Iraqi insurgents can relate to heat relief. But can they relate to terrible, terrible advertising? Only time will tell.

"Frickin' Clowns" | Expedia.com

Summary: A man, while planning his vacation with his wife, declines to be violated by clowns.

Low Point: Clowns.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. Without a doubt. If anyone in Iraq ever is able to afford Internet access, much less vacations that they can plan over the Internet, they'll be all over it. Plus: Clowns!