Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 07

"That's One Cold Beach" | VISA

Summary: The US Olympic women's volleyball team practices on a snow-covered beach. Oops, the ball goes into the water and somebody has to get it.

Low Point: Was that blood on a midriff? So, you have a Super Bowl commercial with attractive women in swimsuits, but you want to mitigate that sexism with a little "we're tough" blood? You can't have it both ways, kids.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No, but hopefully it will get them more into volleyball. They do already have all that great space for sand courts.

"You Don't Wanna Know" | Secret Window

Summary: The new Johnny Depp movie is about a writer whose story "is coming back to haunt him." It's Stephen King's "The Dark Half" meets … uh … Stephen King's "The Dark Half."

High Point: The silhouetted bad guy is wearing a hat. So we know that much. Hats: Watch out.

Low Point: Lights, lights, lights. Lights aren't scary unless it's a movie about aliens.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? They probably already know that things come back to haunt them. Like Bushes.

"I'd Swear that Kid's … " | Chevrolet

Summary: Kids sit with their mouths being washed out with soap. Why? Because the new Chevrolet convertible makes them a little foul-mouthed.

High Point: One of them is totally the Linux kid. That's some branding conflict for Linux. Are they saying Linux swears?

Low Point: Only one little girl. Sexist.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? It encourages corporal punishment, which is not so good.

"Lay Off My Chips" | Lays

Summary: An elderly (and apparently Italian from the music) couple trips each other to get their grandson's fallen chips. Too bad the winner lost his teeth.

High Point: In the end, neither gets the chips. Good. They were too violent to deserve them.

Low Point: Do you know how harsh potato chips would be between dentures? Ouch.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? If you want food, you're going to have to fight each other for it, Iraq. What do we look like? The people who took away your infrastructure for being able to get such things without fighting?

"Winners Play On, Players Win Lucrative Endorsements" | CBS March Madness

Summary: Samuel L. Jackson tells us how no one has been to Indiana, but there's still basketball there. Oh, and some Indianans, maybe. Whatever.

High Point: That "March Madness" font is crazy looking. Like some kind of crazy person drew it.

Low Point: Oh, sure. 'Cause it's "Madness." Mad means crazy.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? That depends. Do they have trash-talking there?