Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 05

"Move that Beer, Ass" | Budweiser

Summary: A donkey, aspiring to be a giant Budweiser Clydesdale, pulls a little cart with a six-pack in it. It is hella cute. He succeeds in landing a job interview to be one of the Clydesdales. During the interview, he brays at a team of giant Clydesdales, impressing them sufficiently to earn a spot on the team. But then, five seconds after the commercial ends — in my imagination — he dies of heart failure, moments after achieving his lifelong dream.

Low Point: The fact that I just made myself cry.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? ALL HE WANTED TO DO IS BE A CLYDESDALE! AND NOW HE'S DEAD! YOU KILLED HIM, BUDWEISER! YOU MONSTERS! YOU MONSTERS!

"The Commercial You Can't Remember" | Without a Trace

Summary: A bunch of faces flash past rapidly, accompanied by heavy portento music.

High Point: Wait … was that Mike Ditka?

Low Point: Oh, no. It wasn't. Blast.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? The stroboscopic assault of attractive American actors will send the Iraqi insurgency into a quiet, trancelike state. It can then be overcome. Super Nintendos for everybody, at that point.

"This Time, the Mexicans are Goin' Down!" | The Alamo

Summary: A trailer for the historical drama in which a ragtag bunch of Texans, including Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie, fend off some 2,000 members of the Mexican Army.

Quote of the night: "You think this war is
over? It hasn't even started yet!"

Will this commercial help build a more stable and
democratic Iraq? Maybe all it takes is 183 Texans to
win the war. After all, it only took one Texan to start
it.

"I Fought the Law" | Pepsi

Summary: To the strains of Green Day's cover of "I
Fought the Law," a series of prepubescent teen girls show
up in gloomy profile with labels like "Accused"
and "Indicted." Turns out, they're all defendants in
illegal music download cases. Undeterred, a gal with
braces and a devastating stutter proclaims she's not gonna
stop downloading tunes — thanks to Pepsi. What does
soda have to do with freedom of music thievery? Pepsi
and Apple's iTunes have teamed up to give away thousands
of legal downloads — coming soon under a bottlecap near
you.

High Point: The lisp.

Low Point: A tossup between the studied arrogance of the poor preteens who got roped into this and the glare off their braces.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and
democratic Iraq? If only Iraqis had time to worry
about such trivia.

"Mike Ditka Can Throw a Football Through a Tire Swing Over and Over Again, Symbolizing an Erect Penis Doing Its Penisy Thing a Lot, Thanks to Pharmaceuticals" | Levitra

Summary, etc.: (See title).

"See What Happens" | Mitsubishi Gallant

Summary: In what a title along the bottom of the screen announces is an "accident avoidance test," two sedans drive behind two trailers. Men in the trailers throw bowling balls, grills and other cars at the sedans, and the sedans swerve to avoid them. One car is a Mitsubishi Gallant; the other is a Toyota Camry. Which car will avoid a fiery collision?

High point: Rather than showing the audience what happens, the advertiser invites viewers to find out for themselves at "SeeWhatHappens.com." A mystery! An interactive mystery! Finally, the TV-Internet synergy dream over which so many advertisers have salivated comes true!

Low point: By the "see what happens" moment, the spot has not revealed its sponsor. This viewer is genuinely, tantalizingly in the dark about which car will explode and which will rule. But at the final second, the spot flashes a Mitsubishi logo. Damn it! We know the ending!

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? If Halliburton buys Mitsubishi cars, apparently, Iraq will enjoy the stability and handling that only a Gallant sedan can provide. But if it puts a Camry in every Iraqi garage, the remaining members of the Iraqi National Congress will be killed by bowling balls and airborne grills.