Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 04

"Memento, the Romantic Comedy" | 50 First Dates

Summary: Adam Sandler once again gets hit in various parts of his body — crotch included. This time, the hitter is Drew Barrymore, in a rather unimpressive combination of love and short-term memory loss.

High Point: The end of it. And a Sandler beating.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? It will definitely keep the Shiite-hothead asses in the theaters, that's for sure.

"Budweiser Presents: Marriage" | Budweiser

Summary: Further proof that women are the root of all evil. A referee, stoic in his resolve, takes abuse at home and at work. Posited: Female screaming is somewhat more jarring than coach screaming.

High Point: The cut to the wife screaming at the ref at home. Proof that all football coaches were once women, I guess.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Well, it gives the governing council some patience. I hear the ululating of those burqa broads is quite jarring.

"Can You Dig It?" | Monster.com

Summary: Old fart and young prick, both getting dressed, both getting to the office. One hires the other.

High Point: Their silhouetted handshake shows the kid's long hair; let's see how long that lasts in his new job.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? New contracts in Iraq will require more jobs for Iraqis, but the young punks are not the answer.

"Where's Wallace?" | Sierra Mist

Summary: Guys in kilts marching in a parade on a hot day. One of their number has a Marilyn Monroe fetish, and cools himself over a grate.

High Point: The point where guys in kilts first make their appearance because kilts are cool by nature.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Of course it helps. Anything to give Arabs a little relief under their robes.

"All I Nee-eed is You" | Miracle

Summary: In a nutshell, the United States beats the Soviet Union in hockey in the 1980 Winter Olympics. Period. Go USA.

High Point: The moment it started.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Any Iraqi who boos during Miracle should be shot on sight. Any American who boos is a godless commie.

"Showdown of the Jocks" | Levitra

Summary: Mike Ditka vs. erectile dysfunction: Ditka.

Ditka vs. baseball players: Ditka

Ditka vs. baseball players w/erectile dysfunction: Ditka.

High Point: Ditka. Ditka. Ditka.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Ditka vs. Iraq: Ditka.